RWBY WATCHES HELLSING ULTIMATE ABRIDGED
by thegoldenboy2188
Summary: read the title
1. Prologue

**Hellsing belongs to Kouta Hirano and Studio MadHouse**

 **Hellsing Abridged was made by Takahata101 and TeamFourStar**

 **please support the official release**

 **Thoughts:'Thinking'**

 **Speaking: "Talking"**

 **Watching: Bold**

* * *

(Takes place after the Fight in the docks)

It was a bright, sunny day, the air was clear, the sun was shining and birds were chirping. On this

wonderful day, we look down at Beacon Academy, a school where hormonal teenagers with superpowers and big-ass weapons train to fight creatures of darkness called Grimm. Students hustling and bustling about going too there classes or just roaming the halls. At this moment we focus on a team of four girls also known as team RWBY, currently pushing through the hallways. At this time the girls were... well, they were "Booored" Ruby, the youngest of the group at 15 and their leader exclaimed in a stretched out voice.

"I just wish something crazy would just happen," Ruby said. "Don't say stuff like that" team RWBY's resident blonde brawler, Yang Xiao-Long, Ruby's older half-sister replied back "you'll just jinx us" Blake the silent ninja of the group nodded her head half-heartedly, listening in the conversation and making small talk, "But come on its a nice day outside and were stuck in here" Ruby said dejectedly putting her head down and kicking a peddle that hadn't been there before.

Suddenly doing a 180 her head whipped upwards showing the wide smile and stars in her eyes. "Maybe we can go shopping!" it was a question though it sounded more like a statement, throwing her arms in the air she replied "Oooh, we can go shopping, eat ice cream maybe buy Blake a new bow for her ears..." stopped when Blake glared at her.

Blake was a faunas, humans with animal traits she wore a bow in order to hide the fact that underneath that black bow of hers are to black cat ears. Her team didn't even know that fact until she revealed it during an argument with her and Wiess. "...Head-I mean head" she said with a shaky voice trying to hide the fact she slipped up. "Thank you but I don't think I need a new bow," Blake said kindly in a calm voice. "Besides, we still have one period left" a haughty yet sophisticated voice called out, this was Wiess Schnee the third member of team RWBY and heiress to the illustrious yet shady Schnee Dust Company "we have ...Dust Theory next" she said "Dust Theory?" Yang asked, "What's that?". "It's a special class once a semester, it discusses the applications, history, and combinations of dust" Weiss recited from her mind.

"So cool! I'll be able to make new rounds for Cresent Rose" she said putting her "Baby" in high regard. "Don't blow anything up this time" Wiess told her remembering what happened when they first met. "Oh come on that was like a million years ago" Ruby replied back making a hmph noise Weiss cross her arms together and said, "Come on we're going to be late". Behind the girls, a white light started to form and without warning, they were pulled through it.

* * *

Ruby awoke in a chair, not unlike one would find in an AMC Dine-in Theater

'what happened?' she thought she remembered walking to class and that was it. As she rose from the chair she surveyed her surroundings 'a movie theater?' she asked herself as she saw the numerous amount of chairs and the big curved screen in front of her she looked for any entrance or exit to leave and noticed something in the chair next to her. "Uncle Qrow!" Ruby yelled in excitement the said man woke up from his 'nap' "huh-oh hey Ruby" he said straightening himself up andhis clothes smelling like alcohol "Uncle Qrow did you miss me?!" she yelled Qrow smiled and said"nope". But that didn't deter Ruby "ooooh-I have so many things to tell you!" Ruby called out as Qrow patted her head "yeah-yeah I know you do but first where are we?" he was sure he was in a bar, partying but suddenly he ended up here in a movie theater. Ruby face turned confused "I don't know," she said, "I was just in Beacon and now I'm here". "Uh, what happened?" a new voice asked. Qrow and Ruby turned around to see Yang nursing her head "Yang!" Ruby exclaimed, "Uh, where are we?" she asked.

"It seems we were kidnapped" Headmaster Ozpin and his secretary Glynda Goodwitch sat side by side to each other.

"Headmaster Ozpin!, do you know where we are?" Yang asked. "We're in a movie theater" the Headmaster observed drinking coffee from a mug (Where'd he get that?) "well yeah we know that," Qrow said "and besides it seems we aren't the only ones here," Goodwitch said. As Ruby started to notice everyone "Weiss, Blake, Sun, Neptune, JNPR, CRDL, CFVY there all here!" Ruby yelled as they started to wake up mumbling and trying to get their bearings. Weiss woke up and saw someone she didn't think she'd see "Winter?" she asked "Wiess? where are we?" Winter asked, "I don't know?" Wiess answered. They then heard groaning beside them "General Ironwood!" Winter exclaimed, "Specialist Schnee where are we?" "It seems to be a... movie theater?" Winter replied. Blake looked to the side and saw two Faunus "Adam?, Sienna?" she asked incredulously, Adam looked at her "Blake?" he asked "Blaaake!" she heard someone yell she turned around and saw Yang waving at her with her left arm. "So you associate with these humans now?" Adam asked seething "wait" Blake put her arms up "I can explain". "Where are we?" Sienna Khan interrupted "a movie theater?" Blake said surprised. In the back, 6 people were looking around "where are we?" Cinder asked "A movie theater?" Emerald Sustrai a part of Cinder's group said, Cinder looked around as Mercury Black woke up he looked around and said "what the hell" when a new voice said, "don't get your panties in such a twist".

"Torchwick," Cinder said looking at the orange haired man "why are you here?" she asked "just like you, I was kidnapped," he said beside him was a weird looking girl that looked like she was themed after Neopolitan ice cream which was also her name.

On the other side, Jaune Arc woke up as he saw Ren and Pyrrha beside him "hey" he pushed Pyrrha's shoulder "Jau-Jaune?" she asked "yeah it's me" he said, "where are we?" Pyrrha asked looking around the unfamiliar surroundings. "OHMYGODRENWEREINAMOVIETHEATER!" a loud, hyperactive voice shouted out. Ren woke up with a gasp as everyone in theater looked at Nora. "Why are we in a movie theater?" he asked "I don't know," Nora said he looked at the rest of his team who shrugged. Then a voice behind said "Keep the volume down" the team looked back to the leader of team CFVY Coco Adel. "Why are in a movie theater?" Coco asked her team Yatsuhashi their friendly giant "We must have been kidnapped. "Ki-kidnapped?" a quiet voice stuttered the voice belonged to Velvet CFVY's rabbit faunus.

"Then I'll pummel whoever kidnapped us" everyone looked to the side a few chairs down to see a very angry team CRDL. "With what weapons?" Coco asked as everyone from beacon was in their school uniforms, Cardin the leader of team CRDL gritted his teeth and took out his scroll and tried to call his rocket locker to no avail. "Our scrolls don't work" Cardin observed Jaune sighed "great we're kidnapped and stuck in a movie theater without our weapons". "Maybe we can call the teachers," Pyrrha said Jaune then pointed at the front where the teachers and RWBY sat "oh-uh...sorry," Pyrrha said timidly. In the front, a blonde man started to wake, his name was Taiyang Xiao Long the first thing he saw was... "Ruby, Yang?" he asked he was back home at Patch and his children were in Beacon "Dad!" they both shouted and smothered him in a hug "aren't you two at Beacon?" he said. "Yeah about that..." he looked around and saw that he wasn't home or at Beacon but a theater.

He looked at his best friend Qrow who was drinking from a flask "Where are we?" he asked Qrow burped and said "a theater" throwing his hands up. "Yeah I know, why?" "we were kidnapped" Qrow answered, "Why?" **OH, THAT'S THE QUESTION ISN'T IT** everybody looked around trying to find where the voice from. **WHY** the screen started to ripple like water "what the hell?" Qrow asked standing and getting ready to fight as everyone equipped their weapons or raised their fists. The middle of the screen started to open from middle rippling, churning inside of it was white-hot flames. The flames started spill screen as everyone ducked in order avoid the flames. When they couldn't feel the heat they looked up the white flames formed a glowing white the orb started manifest a body.

The human-shaped thing started to glow as out of the light three people appeared the first was a woman wearing a white cloak, the second was a woman with black hair and looked exactly like Yang, the third was the weirdest she was wearing a black gown and her hair was in a bun but eye red with a black sclera and skin was white.

Everyone looked the new arrivals, the first was Taiyang who said "Summer" as the first women looked up, the second was Yang who looked at Raven and said "Mom?", and third was Ozpin who saw the third person, "Salem" he said his teeth gritted.

While everyone stared at the new arrivals **WELL SIT DOWN, RELAX** as everyone was forced into the recliners. Ironwood tried to get his gun but **THERE IS NO NEED FOR WEAPONS** everyone who had a weapon, said weapon disappeared.

"Who are you!" Adam shouted into the air **I AM WHAT YOU MORTALS CALL A GOD** "impossible" Ozpin said **OH IT IS QUITE POSSIBLE**. Taiyang and Ruby stared at Summer "mom is that you?" "yes it is, sweetie yes it is," Summer said as Ruby collapsed into her body sobbing Taiyang only looked at her "how-how?" he said shocked "the god somehow managed to bring me back" Summer replied looking at Ruby. "Why did you bring us here you so-called god" Ironwood yelled **TO WATCH** 'what' went to everybody's mind. **TELL ME ARE ANY OF YOU FAMILIAR OF THE MULTIVERSE THEORY,** Wiess said "the theory infinite possibilities exist". "What does that have to do with this?" Ozpin asked the god **IT ISN'T EVERYDAY THAT A GOD OFFERS YOU A GLIMPSE INTO ANOTHER DIMENSION IS IT**.

"Another dimension?," Ozpin said shocked **YES I AM SHOWING YOU ANOTHER UNIVERSE** "why?" Raven asked glaring at everyone including her own daughter who in return glared at her **MY REASONS ARE NOT OF YOU'RE CONCERN** "so when do we start watching?" Ruby asked **RIGHT NOW** and the started to flicker **.**


	2. Episode 1:Psych, Adam!

Hellsing belongs to Kouta Hirano and Studio MadHouse

Hellsing Abridged was made by Takahata101 and TeamFourStar

please support the official release

Thoughts:'Thinking'

Speaking: "Talking"

Watching: Bold

As the screen turned on different thoughts went through everyone's mind, some were scared, others were angry, some were excited, and then people who just didn't care. Ozpin stared at Salem the Grimm queen just looking at the screen with an apathetic look but he knew that wasn't true. He looked inside his mug rich brown coffee at the top, his magic still worked as he could summon his coffee mug but if he tried to summon a shield or his cane it wouldn't come. 'The god somehow managed to dampen my magic' Ozpin sighed and relaxed in the recliner if he couldn't use his magic then there was a chance Salem couldn't either and they were trapped here anyway so might as well watch what's on the screen beside he thought 'watching another universe would be quite the experience'. White, big words suddenly started to appear on the screen

 **THIS UNIVERSE IS NOT FOR THE FAINT OF HEART IT CONTAINS**

 **SWEARING, BLOOD, AND GORE, VIEWER DISCRETION IS ADVISED**

Ruby nervously chuckled, blood, gore she hated that kind of stuff. Summer looked at Ruby and saw her face "Ruby, you sure you want to watch this?" she asked. Ruby took a deep breath and said "I'm fifteen, mom I can handle this kind of stuff" she gave off a dazzling smile. "Okay, I just wanted to know," Summer said "thank's mom" "of course sweetie". They looked back up at the screen and it said

 **IF YOUR HUNGRY JUST THINK OF WHAT YOU WANT TO EAT AND IT WILL COME**

Yang looked at her table and thought 'Strawberry Sunrise' a margarita glass appeared with a yellow liquid and purple umbrella in the cupholder.

Yang picked it up and was about to take a sip but then Taiyang saw what she was about and yelled: "don't drink that!" "why not?" "because it has alcohol in it" he replied. "Oh, let the kid have a drink," Qrow told Taiyang "No, cause unlike you I don't give beer to minors". "So no drinking for you," Taiyang said sternly as the margarita in Yang's hand turned into a cup of coke, Yang pouted and looked at the coke in her hand sadly sipping it. The screen started flickering again as the screen started up.

 **[The scene starts with Monkey D. Luffy and Roranoa Zoro riding through the East Blue in their dinghy.]**

 **Narrator: This is the story about a world of adventure, a sea full of excitement and a man full of dreams and a passion that seeks to drive him to the top.**

'This doesn't look gory' Cinder thought, raising an eyebrow at the scene. 'Maybe it isn't as bad as I thought' Ruby said to herself

 **Monkey D. Luffy: My name is Monkey D. Luffy and I'm gonna be king of the...**

 **[The screen flickers with static to reveal a room full of bloody corpses and two vampires appearing to be cuddling.]**

"Oh god!" Ms. Goodwitch exclaimed shocked at the horrible scene Ruby felt herself going green as did many others in the theater. 'They were weak' Raven thought 'so they died'. Team JNPR and CRDL weren't much better, both teams were going green at the sight 'Oooh, I'm going to be sick' Jaune thought. The adults in the front were shivering in rage. Ozpin grasped his tightly his mouth set to a crisp line as he summoned all of his self-control to not break the screen. The villainous audience the back weren't affected as bad but they were curious about the two people cuddling in the middle of the bodies. Salem didn't take any interest in the scene it was like a human looking at ant did the human care about ant, no. Adam took joy in the scene, the humans, their oppressors dead, it brought a smile to his face. Blake in horror at the death, her face gaping. Sienna glared at the screen, while she hated humans she didn't want innocents to be killed, only the ones that wronged them.

 **Female Vampire: Oh, uh, oh yes! I love you, Edward.**

 **Edward: And I… love you… Bella.**

Salem could sense that these life forms weren't humans but she didn't care they were still lower life forms.

'disgusting' Ms. Goodwitch and Ozpin thought

 **[knocking on door]**

 **Edward: Hold on. Who is it?**

When they saw a barrage of bullets hit Edward their a few reactions "Holy shit!' "what the hell!". Then scene to outside they a tall man wearing a red trenchcoat and holding a gun, the man shades glowed in the dark, scraggly blonde hair could be seen underneath his hat. Even with his new look, the man was familiar, they knew him. The man was "Jaune?!" all the beacon students and shouted. The beacon professors look shocked. **ACTUALLY, HE GOES BY ALUCARD IN THIS WORLD** 'Alucard' everyone thought quite a fearsome name.

 **Alucard: Oh, you know... [shoots through the door, kills Edward, them withdraws his gun] ... a real fuckin' vampire**

Everything became eerily quiet as everyone blinked and looked at the screen. The one who broke the silence was Nora "fearless leader is..." she started real quiet, almost unhearable if the entire theater wasn't already silent "A VAMPIRE!" Nora shouted in the loudest voice she could muster. Just like that sound resumed in the theater "cool Jaune's a vampire!" Ruby yelled in excitement "Who's Jaune" Taiyang asked "he's my best friend" Ruby said cutely even tilting her head a dog. 'A friend?' Taiyang thought immediately the worst things came to his mind. Summer realizing the look on his face, she sighed. Back at team JNPR Jaune felt waves of fear shudder through his body 'what was that about' he thought. 'It seems this Jaune is very strong, and that accent' Pyrrha thought as she went red at the thought of her Jaune having that accent.

 **[Opening plays with Party Party Party by Andrew W.K. as the theme song]**

 **Alucard: [speaking through Telepathy, because Black Magic.] Hey, Police Girl, do you have the target?**

"Hey look it's me!" Ruby said, "but why did he call me police girl?" Ruby inquired. "It must be because you're a police girl in this world" Yang answered. "I'm telepathic?" Jaune inquired out loud.

 **Police Girl: OK, master, my name is Ruby. And yes, I have the target in sight.**

At the sight of Ruby's eyes going red "Ruby, your a vampire!" Yang screamed, "That's so cool!" Ruby yelled arms up in the airs "Ruby you a lot older in this" Blake said. "Let's hope she matured with it too," Weiss in pure Ice Queen fashion said.

 **Alucard: [through Telepathy, still!] Well, better take the shot, you're letting her get away.**

"Don't I sound bit,... Dickish in this?" Jaune asked " yeah you kinda do," Coco said.

 **Police Girl: If you just give me a second to concentrate, I could-**

 **Alucard: [appears standing behind Seras] She's getting away! She's running!**

 **Police Girl: [eyes glow red] I get it, I'm lining up the-**

 **Alucard: Going to miss it! Going to miss it!**

 **Police Girl: Just be quiet and let me-**

 **Alucard: Hey, Police Girl! Hey! Hey, Police Girl!**

 **Police Girl: [fires the sniper rifle and kills Bella] There! I took the fucking shot! She's dead, there's blood everywhere!**

Everybody started chuckling nervously at Ruby's outburst. "Is this how Jaune usually acts?" Summer asked "No, he's almost the complete opposite," Ruby said

 **Alucard: ...Oh, you are just a treat.**

 **[black screen with the caption "One Week Earlier"]**

 **Alucard: Now, I know what you're thinking: "How did all this come about?" Well, it all started on a midnight stroll through the woods. The air was clear, the moon was full. I was dying to sink my teeth into something. Get it? Because I'm a vampire. Mu-ha-ha-ha-ha-ha… It's funny. [reaches a field full of ghouls and a homicidal vampire priest holding Ruby hostage]**

"Well that was a funny joke," Yang said "are we forgetting that Ruby is a hostage," Blake asked.

 **Homicidal Priest: So, you came. Too bad you're far too late.**

 **Alucard: ...What?**

 **Homicidal Priest: Everyone else is already dead. Except this little tart. But trust me, I still plan to kill her.**

 **Alucard: Mm-hmm.**

 **Homicidal Priest: But first, I'm going to rape her!**

Everyone made a face of disgust and anger at that sentence.

 **Alucard: Neat.**

"Does he even care?!" Jaune yelled at... Himself?

 **Homicidal Priest: But before I can do any of that... I'm going to kill you!**

 **Alucard: Oh? See, that would be intimidating if you were… well, intimidating.**

Roman chuckled at the tone Alucard was using.

 **Homicidal Priest: Gr-r-r, are you mocking me?!**

 **Alucard: Oh, no, no, no, no, no… Pfft, yeah! [shoots Ruby and the Priest through the lung while the fraction "shot through the heart" from Bon Jovi's song "You Give Love a Bad Name" plays]**

"Holy shit!" everyone yelled except the villains, of course, Ruby protectively put her arms in front of her chest.

 **Alucard: Well, that should about wrap things up here.**

"What about me?!" Ruby yelled.

 **Police Girl: Guh… gah…**

 **Alucard: Oh, yeah. Forgot about you. Sorry about that whole "shooting you" thing, but I know if you look deep into your heart, which is currently all over that tree, you'll find a way to forgive me.**

 **Police Girl: [dying] Guh… gah…**

 **Alucard: Awww, geez, you look like a puppy. A redhead, eviscerated puppy.**

 **Police Girl: [still dying] Gah… *tear***

"She's still dying" Weiss shrieked.

 **Alucard: Christ! Fine! I'll help you! But only because you got nice tits**.

Ruby's face suddenly matched her cloak as she hid in it while Taiyang glared at the screen.

 **[Several minutes later, Alucard reports back to Sir Weiss Hellsing at the Hellsing mansion headquarters.]**

"It's me!" Weiss said, "It seems like you managed to attain a position of high importance," Winter said proudly looking at the Wiess on the screen.

 **Sir Wiess Hellsing: So, that's your field report?**

 **Alucard: Yup.**

 **Sir Weiss Hellsing: You went on a walk through the forest at midnight.**

 **Alucard: Yup.**

 **Sir Weiss Hellsing: You killed a homicidal vampire priest.**

 **Alucard: Dead.**

 **Sir Weiss Hellsing: And then you turned someone into a vampire, who happened to be a big tittied-**

 **Alucard: Big tittied police girl. Yes! It's like I didn't just get through explaining this. Now if you don't mind, I've got things to do.**

 **Sir Weiss Hellsing: What "things"? You don't do "things".**

 **Alucard: Yes, I do. I take enthusiastic walks through the woods.**

 **Sir Weiss Hellsing: And kill homicidal vampire priests?**

 **Alucard: Very enthusiastic walks.**

 **[black screen with the caption "One Week Later"]**

 **Sir Wiess Hellsing: So, that's your field report?**

 **Alucard: Yup.**

 **Sir Weiss Hellsing: So you broke into the house…**

 **Alucard: Yup.**

 **Sir Weiss Hellsing: …and you shot him thirty-six times?**

 **Alucard: Thirty-seven.**

 **Sir Wiess Hellsing: And took out his partner?**

 **Alucard: To be fair, that was the police girl… with the big titties.**

 **Sir Weiss Hellsing: ...You need to stop going on walks.**

 **Alucard: And you need to hurry up and hook up some god-damned DSL in here!**

 **Sir Weiss Hellsing: Ugh! Listen; you have an assignment in Ireland.**

 **Alucard: Ooooh… I've never hunted down a leprechaun before. Do you think if I shoot them with my gun Lucky Charms will explode everywhere?!**

 **Sir Weiss Hellsing: Sweet Christ! Just get to Ireland, kill the vampire who's taken over the hospital, and bring the police girl with you.**

 **Alucard: Awww, come on! I have to bring her everywhere!**

 **Sir Weiss Hellsing: Ah-ah-ah! None of the sass!**

 **Alucard: Yes, MOM.**

"He's like a child" Cinder said

 **[Italy]**

 **Cardin Winchester: So what can I do for you, Father O'Mally'O'Connel'O'Carrol'O'Reilly'O'Brian'O'Sullivan... ah-who is also Italian?**

"I'm a priest?" Cardin said "seems like it" Coco answered "and that guy's name was really long" Nora exclaimed.

 **Father O'Mally'O'Connel'O'Carrol'O'Reilly'O'Brian'O'Sullivan who is also Italian: [speaking in an Italian accent] Tell-a me, Winchester, what is your favorite thing to do?**

 **Cardin: Spreading the word and love of Jesus Christ to the many people of the world, teaching peace and love for all!**

 **Father O'Mally'O'Connel'O'Carrol'O'Reilly'O'Brian'O'Sullivan who is also Italian: And-a killing-a vampires?**

Seeing Cardin's smile taking a manic turn scared them a bit they turned to the Cardin sitting with them who had the same smile on his face.

 **Cardin: Oh, just try to fucking stop me!**

 **Father O'Mally'O'Connel'O'Carrol'O'Reilly'O'Brian'O'Sullivan: And what about… Protestants?**

 **Cardin: Second verse, same as the first. Now put me on a plane, so I can put'em in a hearse!**

Okay, now they were really worried about Cardin's mental health.

 **[cuts to an abandoned hospital in Ireland with Ruby sitting outside]**

 **Alucard: [shooting ghouls inside the hospital] Hey, Police Girl! Police Girl! This is awesome! You should totally join in! Seriously, there's like… forty zombies in here! Just one shot to the head and they explode! [gunshot] It's just like House of the Dead, only like… a hundred times more awesome!**

 **Police Girl: [bursts through the door] Fine! I'll shoot some of the rotten bastards! Can't be that much fun. [shoots a ghoul and her eyes glow red] Oh, fuck the hell, yes! [kills all the Ghouls while "Feel so Numb" by Rob Zombie plays]**

"Awesome!" Ruby yelled "Ruby I think you've been playing too many video games," Qrow said "I agree," Taiyang said gulping

 **Alucard: Sweet Black fucking Sabbath! If I wasn't holding out for that beast of a woman Weiss, I'd fuck the red right out of those eyes.**

 **s Ruby gets stabbed by holy sacred bayonets in the back] Well… kinda like that, only with less symbolism and more my penis in your vagina. [sniffs around] Huh?! Suddenly it reeks of hypocrisy in here. [Cardin walks in] Oh, if it isn't the Catholic Church! And what's this? No little Timmy glued to your crotch? Progress!**

Cardin gritted his teeth in anger while Yang screamed his name in anger all the while Ruby yelled in horror "Other me!".

 **Cardin: Ah, and look at what we have here? A bloody heathen!**

 **Alucard: Excuse me, but I'm a fuck-mothering vampire! I've killed a lot of people to get this title. I deserve to be called such!**

 **Cardin: Well then, mind if I ask you your name?**

 **Alucard: Only if you give yours first, papist.**

 **Cardin: Fine, I'll give you the courtesy. The name's…**

 **[cuts to the Hellsing]**

 **Ozpin** **: Cardin Winchester.**

 **Sir Weiss Hellsing: [briefly surprised] Oh, fuck all kinds of duck!**

"That isn't what I'd call Jaune vs Cardin Ms. Schnee," Glynda said

 **[cuts back to Ireland]**

 **Cardin: You have been chosen to reveal my existence to the world. You will witness what happens here today, and you will tell of it later… except you won't... 'cause I killed 'ya! Ha-ha-ha-ha-ha-ha-ha-ha-ha-ha-ha!**

Cardin smiled just because that runt was a vampire in this doesn't mean he's stronger.

 **Alucard: Oh, my, brilliant speech… and unoriginal. That's totally from Boondock Saints.**

 **Cardin: What?! No, it isn't! I came up with it a week ago.**

 **Alucard: Whatever. We're here for the vampire.**

 **Cardin: The only one left here is your sorry pale ass.**

 **Police Girl: [recovering from her attack] Ghhhhhh…**

 **Alucard: [to Ruby] Yeah, yeah, give me a minute. [to Cardin] So, what do you want, anyways? The nearest elementary school is at least ten kilometers away.**

 **Cardin: It is your corrupt I claim. It is your evil that will be sought by me with every breath…**

 **Alucard: Boondock... Saints. Seriously, you must watch that movie religiously. Huh-huh… get it?**

 **Cardin: OK, you know what? Fuck it. Knife.**

 **Alucard: Knife? [gets stabbed by two bayonets]**

 **Police Girl: Master!**

 **Alucard: Boom! [shoots Anderson in the head] Headshot. Well, now that that's over, how about we go back to my place for a bowl of my favorite cereal, Count Cho- [decapitated by Anderson while the word "Decapitation" is sung by Jack Black in Brutal Legend in the background]**

"Holy shit!" everyone said "how did he survive that," Emerald asked

 **Police Girl: Master…**

 **Cardin: Well, now that that's over, how about we go back to my place for a bowl of my favorite cereal Frankenbe… [notices that Seras ran away] Son of a Protestant whore! Well, you know what time it is! [draws two bayonets while the word "RAPE" appears on the screen in uppercase white letters]**

Taiyang and Everyone who knew Ruby seethed in rage at what Cardin said.

 **Police Girl: [walking away, bleeding and carrying Alucard's severed head] See... this kind of shit is why I stopped going to church.**

 **Alucard: [Thinking] Police girl… Poli-i-i-ice Girl, you are reading your master's mind. Put my head between your boobs!**

Ruby went red again as Taiyang glared at the screen.

 **Police Girl: [holds Alucard's head close to her chest] Now I'm all alone… The only one I had left was you.**

 **Alucard: [muffled in Seras' breasts] Very good! Now the next thing I want you to do is... put me between your legs! [A bayonet suddenly is wailed at Alucard's head, which impales it into a wall.] God damn it!**

Everyone didn't say anything already expecting something to happen Taiyang was actually happy about it.

 **Cardin: It's a shame for you lost your head. A careless vampire, who wound up dead. You wore your sin like it was some kind of prize. Too many lies… too many lies.**

 **Police Girl: What do I do? What do I do?! I… I could try seducing him… wait, no! I'm not an eight-year-old boy! SHIT!**

Ruby looked like she was about to faint.

 **Cardin: Say your prayers, wee lass!**

 **[Gunshots suddenly are fired and destroy Cardin's bayonets. They were revealed to be fired by Sir Weiss Hellsing.]**

"Weiss the rescue!" Ruby said as Weiss made a 'hmph' noise and looked proud of herself.

 **Sir Weiss Hellsing: That girl belongs to me!**

 **Cardin: Well, aren't you the naughty one?**

Yang fake gasped "That's my sister, Ice Queen" Weiss rolled her eyes "shut up"

 **Sir Weiss Hellsing: Don't make me shoot you in the fucking head!**

 **Sir Weiss Hellsing: What the hell do you want, you crazy protestant bastard?**

 **Sir Weiss Hellsing: I'm a woman.**

 **Sir Weiss Hellsing: Call yourself whatever you want, you crazy protestant bastard.**

 **Sir Weiss Hellsing: You do know this is a grave violation of our agreement.**

 **Cardin: And what part would that be?**

 **Sir Weiss Hellsing: The part where you're here… killing my men!**

 **[Cardin kills Sir Weiss's escorts before attacking her.]**

 **Escort 1: Hua!**

 **Escort 2: Walgh!**

 **Cardin: I have no idea what chou're on about. I'm just here doin' my job! Killin' vampires 'n' werewolves an' leprechauns. I never actually found one but do you think if I cut one open with my knife, it would spill out Lucky Charms?**

 **Sir Wiess Hellsing: Just shut up! Where the hell is Alucard?!**

 **Cardin: Oh, him? I killed him!**

 **Sir Weiss Hellsing: Killed him?**

 **Cardin: Cut off his bloody head!**

 **Sir Weiss Hellsing: Oh! Well, that's step one… what about two through ten?**

Everyone blinked owlishly at that sentence **.**

 **Cardin: Ah, Christ!**

 **[Alucard regenerates in a shot of splendor and magnificence. (read: Awesomeness)]**

"He's alive!" everyone yelled.

 **Alucard: You done goofed.**

 **Cardin: How the blood-soaked protestant hell did you do that?!**

 **Alucard: Fuck you, that's how.**

 **Cardin: [quickly opens a bible] You know what? I've had enough of this. To hell with all you dirty heathens! [uses the pages to teleport out of the hospital]**

 **Alucard: Eat me! Don't forget to write!**

 **Police Girl: Oh… oh, my God… We survived!**

 **Alucard: Sooo…**

 **Sir Weiss Hellsing: What?**

 **Alucard: Do I get to go after him?**

 **Sir Weiss Hellsing: No.**

 **Alucard: Aw, come on!**

 **Sir Weiss Hellsing: No, and that's final! We've got bigger things to worry about. Whoever's behind these vampire attacks... it has to be some kind of large organized group.**

 **Alucard: Like the White Fang?**

 **Sir Weiss Hellsing: That would be retarded.**

Sienna and Adam took offense to that why would they be retarded.

 **[Meanwhile...]**

 **The Major: Gentlemen… ve… are Vhite Fang!**

 **White Fang: Sieg Heil! Sieg Heil!**

 **The Major: Und ve… vill have var**

 **White Fang: Sieg Heil! Sieg Heil!**

 **The Major: Und ve… und ve… *sneeze***

 **White Fang: Gesundheit! Gesundheit!**

"You're right that is retarded," Qrow said

 **So how did you the first episode please comment and favorite and follow**


	3. Episode 2:Bullets From The Albains

**Cardin: The following is a fan-based parody. Hellsing Ultimate is owned by Kouta Hirano and Studio Madhouse, and licensed by Geneon, Madman Entertainment, Manga Entertainment, and Funimation. Please support the official release... ya Protestant fuckbucket.**

"Swear!" both Ruby and Summer yelled at the screen all of team STRQ except Raven and the professors chuckled at the action remembering the times when Summer was alive.

 **(** _ **Scene: Hellsing Mansion**_ **)**

 **Weiss: (** _ **answers phone**_ **) Hello, Alucard. How was your mission in Japan?**

 **ALUCARD: (** _ **intercom**_ **) Eh. I'd say ninety-nine...**

 **(** _ **Scene: "Highschool of the Dead"**_ **)**

 **...point nine percent done.**

When the scene showed up everyone looked at Jaune, seeing everyone looking at him he asked "What?" Nora then asked, "Why'd you do that?" pointing at the screen "Why'd I do what?" he replied tilting his head in curiosity "Keep that zombie alive?" she clarified "How am I supposed to know?" Jaune threw his hands over his heads in exclamation of his cluelessness.

"Well technically he's you" Pyrrha objected pointing at the screen "weelll..." he stopped to think for a bit "He probably did it for shits and giggles" Team JPR look at Nora "That's sound like something Nora would do" Pyrrha said Ren nodded as Nora looked at them curiously 'act-u-ally" a timid voice stuttered everyone looked behind them to see Velvet pointing at her team leader "th-that sounds like something Coco would do" she said head and ears down.

Coco put her hand over her heart in faux pain "Velvet you wound me, do you think I would actually do such a thing" she told her as everyone thought 'definitely'. Back in the Villain section Emerald was having a conversation with Mercury "That's is definitely something you would do Merc" "Thank you" he replied, she looked back at him "that wasn't a compliment".

In the front Weiss was huffing "so lazy, his mission was to kill all the zombies, but he couldn't kill the last one" Winter and Ironwood agreed with her nodding their heads in unison.

 **(** _ **Scene: Hellsing Mansion**_ **)**

 **'Sup, bitch?**

"Tch, he should talk with more respect" Weiss said out loud "My sister is not a bitch" Winter said glaring at the screen "well to be fair..." Yang started but then the combined glares of Weiss and Winter stopped her "You're very nice, warm and... huggable?" Yang finished with a nervous grin Weiss crossed her eyes and looked back at the screen.

 **Weiss: I need to talk to you about some important guests coming today.**

"Guests, I wonder who?" Ruby said to herself "Well they seem to be very important" Weiss answered focusing on the events on the screen

 **ALUCARD: Are they hookers?**

Weiss sighed "Of course he would ask that" Jaune somehow hearing her yelled "I would never ask that!" "Good, Mr. Arc I would hate to have to teach you proper speaking" she glared at him as tried to make himself smaller than he was.

 **Weiss: No.**

 **ALUCARD: And like that you've lost me.**

 **Weiss:** _ **They're our financial suppliers**_ **.**

All the teacher's and Ironwood groaned, Winter just sighed. Seeing their reaction Weiss asked, "What's wrong with financial suppliers" she asked "nothing, nothing" Winter told her "It's just... terribly boring" "Oh" Weiss said, "that doesn't sound great" "it isn't".

 **ALUCARD: Oh, man! They have to hate us!**

"Probably" Weiss said, "Oh no definitely" Yang answered

 **Weiss: They do. That's why they** _ **cancelled our budget**_ **.**

The teachers sucked their breaths like as if she just delivered a bad burn. "Ooh, that's bad. They need that, right? Mom, they need that, right?" Ruby Asked Summer "Yes; very important" she told Ruby "Thank you, Mom" "Of course, Ruby".

 **ALUCARD: Ooh, that's bad. We need that, right? Ozpin, we need that, right?**

 **Ozpin: Yes; very important.**

 **ALUCARD: Thank you, Ozpin.**

 **Ozpin: Of course, sir.**

"Hey!" Ruby said "They just copied our conversation" she pointed at the screen in mock anger, pouting. Taiyang inched close to Ruby and ruffled her hair "more like you copied theirs's" raised her hands and tried to get Taiyang's meaty palm off head Yang watched the bonding and couldn't help but feel envious she looked at own mother not even sparing a glance at her.

 **Weiss: Over the last couple of years, we've had some... expensive claims.**

Weiss sighed knowing she'll probably get a headache from these claims.

 **ALUCARD: Like what?**

 **Weiss: First off - property damage.**

 **(** _ **Scene: masses fleeing from burning buildings**_ **)**

 **(** _ **Scene: Hellsing Mansion**_ **)**

 **ALUCARD: Good times.**

"No!" Jaune yelled "Bad Times!"

 **Weiss: Dozens of noise complaints.**

 **ALUCARD: (** _ **shouting to the sound of loud heavy metal**_ **) Sorry! I can't hear you!**

"Lower the volume!" Jaune yelled "Wow" Nora said "he really hates Alucard doesn't he" Pyrrha nodded worrying for Jaune's health.

 **Weiss: Killing at least a** _ **dozen**_ **innocent people.**

Everyone blinked owlishly at that statement unable to come up with a sentence.

 **ALUCARD: Oh, so did Anthony Hopkins, and he got a fucking Oscar for it!**

Jaune was now angry his face was red, and he was gripping the seat grips hard. "That's because he's A MOVIE STAR!" Pyrrha looked at Jaune worryingly "Jaune, you might want to calm down" she said moving her hand up and down.

 **Weiss:** _ **And**_ **... all of the sexual harassment.**

Everybody blinked as her words processed through their minds Jaune was the first to speak "WHAT!" or yell.

 **ALUCARD: ...I'm not apologizing.**

Jaune was now like a raging bull "YOU SHOULD APOLOGIZE, APOLOGIZE DAMNIT!" it took the rest of team NPR to hold him down from charging at the screen. While team RWBY watched the display of aggression in the front "Wow, he sure is mad" Yang chuckled "He's even angrier than Yang when her hairs cut" Ruby noticed "Well, at least it shows that this Jaune has some decency" Weiss said.

 **Weiss: Listen, I know this is asking a lot, but...**

 **ALUCARD: Buuut...?**

 **Weiss: I want you to keep yourself locked in the basement until all of them are gone!**

"Yes, please" Weiss said she couldn't take any more of this nonsense.

 **ALUCARD: ...I get the distinct impression you're embarrassed of me.**

"Of course, she is!" Jaune said calmed down enough to speak but still huffing.

 **Weiss: Alucard...**

 **ALUCARD: I'm gonna go with nooo.**

"Oh, come on just listen to me!" Weiss said frustrated that Alucard wasn't listening to her wasn't he working under her, he should be following every command.

 **Weiss: This is important and I don't need you causing another scene!**

'Yes' Jaune and Weiss thought.

 **ALUCARD: I don't have to take this! I'm going for a walk.**

'Nononono' Weiss and Jaune thought at the same time.

 **Weiss:** _ **No, you don't**_ **!**

"Listen to her/me!" Weiss and Jaune yelled at the same time Winter looked at her sister in worry "Calm down" She said in a strict tone Weiss's voice lower a few octaves "but he's my subordinate shouldn't he be listening to me" Weiss told her her hands shaking "You have to remember this is another universe not ours" Winter told her Weiss raised her and said "Right!" in a chipper voice.

With Team JNPR Jaune was having a conversation with his teammates "Why do hate Alucard so much?" Pyrrha "I d-don't know" Jaune said "It's just that he's supposed to be me right, but he acts like the opposite of me" If Jaune was the Knight then Alucard was the Dragon, Where Jaune would drop in to fight Alucard would rather watch not caring and he hated that.

 **ALUCARD: Oh, what are you going to do? Grab that guy who can stop me? What was his name? Michael McDoesn'texist?**

 **Wiess: (** _ **sigh**_ **) ...What do you want?**

 **ALUCARD: What~?**

"I can't believe I'm doing this" Weiss said putting her head in her hands "Oh, Ice Princess going so low as to bribe people" Yang said "Shut it, you bimbo" Weiss answered before realizing something "Since when was I, Ice Princess I thought I was Ice Queen" "Yeah, but your sister is Ice Queen which makes you Ice Princess". When Winter heard that she gained a tick in her eye before sighing 'she's definitely Qrow's niece' she thought before she heard she looked at Qrow who was chuckling at Yang's explanation and she glared at him.

 **Weiss: What... do I need to give you... to keep you down here for the evening?**

 **ALUCARD: I'm going to need a new gun. Also one for the police girl.**

"Doesn't Ruby already have one?" Blake asked.

 **POLICE GIRL: (** _ **intercom**_ **) But I already have a gun.**

"See?" Blake said Ruby and Summer gasped in shock "You can't have just one gun!" both yelled at the same time. "But doesn't Cresent Rose also have only one gun" Yang rebutted "but it's also a scythe" Ruby answered crossing her arms and ending the conversation there.

 **ALUCARD: Get that bitch a cannon! Bitches love cannons.**

"Well he isn't wrong" Ruby answered Cresent Rose somehow appearing in her hand Yang lifted her arms Ember Celica locked and loaded. Taiyang was in thought "isn't that some sort of reference I heard it somewhere" surprisingly it was Ms. Goodwitch who answered "it's from a old tv show 'Send that bitch a smiley face, bitches love smiley faces'" team STQ look in shock that Glynda knew the reference.

 **Weiss: Anything else?**

 **ALUCARD: A 70-inch... plasma widescreen TV.**

"Really?" Weiss asked.

 **Weiss: Really?**

 **ALUCARD: With Netflix.**

 **Weiss: Should it also be 3-D?**

 **ALUCARD: NO! That's a stupid fucking gimmick and everyone knows it!**

Jaune nodded his head in agreement it was the one the one thing he could agree with Alucard.

 **(** _ **Title sequence**_ **)**

 **Weiss: Hello, gentlemen. Thank you very much for accepting my invitation.**

"What's going on?" Ruby asked a bit jarred from the scene change. "This seems to be the conference" Winter answered Ruby's question.

 **IRONWOOD: Well, considering the direness of your financial security, we thought it was the least we could do.**

 **Weiss: Now before we begin, I was under the impression our budget was handled directly by the Queen.**

Weiss's eyes widened at that "What?" she voiced out loud it had been since the Great War that kingdoms dropped Monarchy for a council but still it was a bit surprising to hear. "So, it seems that kingdoms in this world still go by a Monarchy" Ironwood replied, "and that the organization Weiss leads is handled by the Queen" Winter said "It must be very powerful" she finished Summer started to speak "Well it is an organization that kills monsters so it obviously is going to be powerful" everyone nodded agreeing with her sentiment.

 **Port: Oh, it is. However, we're having a distinctly difficult time justifying some of these expenses.**

Weiss sighed "Its Alucard isn't it?".

 **IRONWOOD: Most of them under the name... "Alucard"…**

"of course, I was right" Weiss steeled herself "What, afraid?" Yang asked, "no just steeling myself" Weiss replied

 **Weiss: (** _ **Takes a deep breath**_ **) ...Continue.**

 **Port: For example - some of them were frankly labeled, "Entertainment".**

"What would he do for entertainment?" Mercury asked himself Cinder and Emerald shrugged unable to come up with answer.

 **Weiss: "Entertainment"?**

 **OLD ARSEHOLE #3: Quite. Like in my report: £20,000 for a... "Candi".**

Ruby face adopted a look of confusion "Why would he spend that much money for some candy?" Qrow looked at her "I don't think it's the candy your thinking about" Summer gave him a distasteful look "Let her keep her innocence for a bit" Summer whispered into Qrow's ear, Qrow shrugged and took out a flask to drink from

 **OLD ARSEHOLE #4: That's "Candi" with an "I", by the way.**

"What?" Ruby inquired not getting the meaning "It's a stripper, Ruby" Weiss told her "Oh" she said before her cheeks went red realizing what Weiss just said "ooooh".

 **Weiss: I see.**

 **Port: Not to mention the priceless antique car. I believe the note on the claim was: "I thought I could paint it red, but I couldn't find enough goats. So I scrapped it."**

 **Weiss: So that's why we found my father's car covered in goat blood and rammed into a Dairy Queen.**

Weiss and Winter didn't know whether to get angry or happy on one hand it was their father's car and the second their father wasn't really that lovable. Adam and Sienna smiled at that destroying Jacques Schnee's priceless antique car why haven't they thought of that before.

 **IRONWOOD: Oh yes, and then there's also the Dairy Queen, sitting at about £95,000-**

Team RWBY and JNPR sighed this was boring where was the action?

 **Weiss: (** _ **simultaneously; thinking**_ **) I would do fucking** _ **anything**_ **right now to get out of this.**

Roman snickered "You know" raising his voice to be heard everyone looked at him forgetting that he was even there. "You shouldn't really tempt fate like that" Raven nodded in agreement to the criminal's words.

 **IRONWOOD: (** _ **simultaneously; in background**_ **) -in damages, not to mention a hospital for all those other customers of the-**

 **(** _ **Scene: outside Hellsing grounds**_ **)**

 **Fennec: ...And so half way through blowin' me, the fuckin' hooker OD's on heroin!**

"SWEAR!" Ruby and Summer yelled at him, Adam and Ilia's eyes widened at the two people 'that's the Albain Twins' Ilia thought before Adam yelled "What a minute, something's wrong!" "What?" Ilia asked, "Look at them don't realize something is missing!" Adam yelled Ilia squinted at the screen the screen before noticing what Adam found... or didn't find. "Where are there faunus traits?" Ilia rhetorically asked, "I take it that these two are part of White Fang?" Ironwood said mentally jotting down the name Albain in his head "Yes, but there supposed to be faunus unless their humans pretending to be faunus!" Adam yelled, **FAUNUS DON'T EXIST IN THIS WORLD** "What!" Adam screamed

 **Corsac: I really don't like discussing my ex-girlfriend with you.**

"Okay faunus don't exist in this boohoo now shut up we're missing the show" Roman said. Adam looked at the mastermind in anger.

 **Fennec: I mean I still** _ **finished**_ **, but what kind of shit is that?**

 **Corsac: For God sakes, Jan. Think of mother!**

 **Fennec: ...I ain't jerkin' off right now.**

Mostly everyone except for the villains recoiled in disgust "Who does that?" Sun yelled disgusted "This man is sick in head" Winter said her mouth in a thin line.

 **GUARD: Oi, you two. The grounds are currently closed.**

"That's not going to stop them" Ruby whispered.

 **Fennec: Aww, man! That totally** _ **sucks**_ **! And we came all the way out here with these foreign exchange students on a field trip through England.**

"So that's the place this takes place in I never heard of 'England'" Ilia said "probably, because it doesn't exist" Raven said

 **GUARD: Where from?**

 **(** _ **Guns emerge from bus**_ **)**

 **Fennec: Texas. (** _ **Snaps fingers**_ **)**

 **(** _ **Guards are shot to death**_ **)**

"OH MY GOD!" Ruby screamed Summer covered her eyes so she couldn't witness the deaths. "Well I guess Texas has a lot of guns" Roman deduced "My kind of place" he finished.

 **Aw, shit. Looks like we need more prayer in schools.**

 **Corsac: If you're quite finished, ready the ghouls. I'm going to find Alucard. You overrun the rest of the mansion.**

"Why is he going after Alucard?" Ruby said "he probably wants to kill him" Jaune said, in the front Salem smirked Ozpin's eyes widened at the gesture it was the most emotion shown by her throughout the entire viewing. She finally spoke "He won't be able to beat him" she stated Adam looked at her in distaste "I fate that my men even if they are...uh, human they'll be able to beat that man-child" Salem turned and looked at him curiously like as if she was studying him before sinking into her chair and watching.

 **Fennec: Alrighty. (** _ **To subordinates emerging from bus**_ **) Attention, all bitches! Off the bus and line up in order! I got a class assignment for all of y'all!**

Most of the students gulped at that statement this was one assignment they did not want to do.

 **(** _ **Scene: Hellsing Mansion**_ **)**

 **Port: ...And while the mime did survive, he'll never walk again.**

"Uh, I hate mimes" Cardin said Velvet nodded and said "yeah" while team CFY, RDL and JNPR looked in shock, awe and horror "did Cardin and Velvet just agree on something" Coco spoke unable to process what just happened "I think so" Ren spoke, just what is this theater doing to them?

 **(** _ **Lights flicker**_ **)**

 **IRONWOOD: That's funny; we weren't cutting the power just yet.**

"That's because it's a siege" Ironwood spoke.

 **Weiss: Oh, shit... (** _ **Calls front desk**_ **) Front desk, report. What's going on?**

 **FRONT DESK CLERK: (** _ **intercom**_ **) Oh hey, yeah. Hold on. Just give me a second. (** _ **footsteps**_ **) Whoa. (** _ **footsteps**_ **) Oh yeah, it's ghouls. Hmm, definitely, definitely-**

 **(** _ **Ghoul growls**_ **)**

"Run" Ruby/Weiss/Jaune shouted at the same time.

 **OH MY GOD-!**

 **(** _ **Squelch; dialtone**_ **)**

Ruby/Weiss/Jaune cringed at that.

 **IRONWOOD: Sir Integra,** _ **do something**_ **!**

 **Weiss: Calm down! We have over 100 trained guards at the premises at all times. We have everything under control.**

 **(** _ **Muffled explosion**_ **)**

"That doesn't sound like under control" Sun said. "What's the point of having guards if they all just die?" Weiss yelled.

 **IRONWOOD: ...What was that?**

 **Weiss: That was probably the escape chopper exploding. As I was saying, let me just contact communications and get an update. (** _ **Calls communications**_ **) Communications, come in. We need a full report.**

 **COMMS: (** _ **crying through intercom**_ **)**

Weiss knew something horrible was going happen she could feel it.

 **Fennec: (** _ **intercom**_ **) Read the fuckin' paper.**

 **COMMS: (** _ **crying**_ **) "H-h-hey there... Integra..."**

 **Fennec: READ IT FUCKIN' (** _ **slap**_ **)** _ **RIGHT**_ **, COCKHOLE!**

 **COMMS: "** _ **Hey there**_ **... you... fat, English... whore..."**

Adam smiled while the not Villainous audience could feel their anger rising.

 **Fennec: That's more like it. Now keep goin'.**

 **COMMS: "Me... and my big brother, Luke, are killing... all of your men... and turning them into ghouls... So... I-I... h-hope... you've made peace... with yourself... 'cuz when... I find you... I'm gonna-" ...O-oh God!**

 **Fennec:** _ **Keep reading**_ **, or I SHOOT THE OTHER TESTICLE!**

Everyone in the audience cringed nobody wanted to experience that.

 **COMMS: (** _ **sobbing**_ **) "'Cuz when I find you I'm gonna fuck every hole you've gooot...! And then I'm gonna just keep makin' more holes to fu-uck... until there's nothing left but your riddled corpse full of blood... and seme-hen..." Oh God, this is horrible...!**

 **Fennec: You ain't finished yet!**

 **COMMS: (** _ **sobbing**_ **) "So prepare your dried-up pussy... for my hu-huge vampire co-ho-hock...! Now pardon me, while I blow this faggot ginger's brains out-" OH GOD NO-!**

 **(** _ **gunshot**_ **)**

 **Fennec: Ha ha ha ha! Oh! His fuckin' face, man! Aha, fuck! Ha ha ha ha! Oh no, that shit is priceless! (** _ **hangs up**_ **)**

"I hope other me kills him" Weiss started strangely calm "Or I'll find a way get there and kill him myself" everyone nodded.

 **(** _ **dialtone**_ **)**

 **Weiss: (** _ **calls Alucard**_ **) Alucard,** _ **get up here now**_ **! I'm locked in with the committee on the third floor and-**

"Yay Alucard to the rescuuu..."

 **ALUCARD: (** _ **intercom**_ **) Okay, see, I'm going to have to stop you right there. You see, I'm under direct orders from my boss - who is a total bitch, by the way, (** _ **grunts**_ **) - that I am not to leave this room until such time as the committee has left the building. I was even bribed. Imagine that.**

"uuue?" Ruby finished hearing Alucard's explanation. "Help me/her danmit!" weiss and Jaune yelled at the same time.

 **Weiss: Alucard, you vampiric asshole, I will-!**

 **ALUCARD: Sounds great, but I'm gonna have to go now. I just queued up an episode of "Adventure Time" on Netflix. Byyye~**

 **(** _ **"Adventure Time" starts; Alucard hangs up**_ **)**

Weiss screamed in fustration, why was it when she needed help no one was there to help her.

 **INTEGRA: (calls Ozpin) Ozpin!**

"What will Ozpin do?" Ruby asked looking at him Ozpin didn't say anything instead took a nice, long drink from his mug.

 **(** _ **Scene change: Corsac kills several Hellsing guards**_ **)**

 **(** _ **Opera music ringtone**_ **)**

 **Corsac: (** _ **answers phone**_ **) Hello, Fennec.**

 **(** _ **dead guards collapse**_ **)**

 **Fennec: So, how's my favorite big brother doin'?**

 **Corsac: Oh, you know; just killed a group of guards.**

 **Fennec: Shit, bro. You too? What's your kill count at? Nah, don't tell me... (** _ **ghouls eating in background**_ **) I'm winnin'.**

"Oh God!" Winter seeing all the bodies everyone was horrified by the amount of carnage the room was filled with.

 **Corsac: They were guarding a secret passage way downstairs. Not really keeping it a secret if you keep a bunch of armed guards standing around it.**

'I should keep that in mind' Ironwood thought to himself.

 **Fennec: Well, you have fun with that, bro. I'm gonna go skullfuck that Hellsing bitch. And the old guys. Ah, fuck it. Skullfuckin' for everyone! Come 'ere, ghoul!**

Everyone's grip tightened oh how they want to kill this dude.

 **(** _ **ghoul groaning, squelch**_ **)**

 **Corsac: (** _ **hangs up**_ **) Well, you can choose your friends, but you can't choose your family.**  
Weiss sighed agreeing with him "Ah, how true"

 **(** _ **Scene change**_ **)**

 **Weiss: Alright. Ozpin and his assistant should be here any second now.**

 **IRONWOOD: But if there's no way to get upstairs, how are they going to- (** _ **hit by roof panel**_ **) Ah!**

 **(** _ **Police Girl falls on top of Ironwood**_ **)**

 **POLICE GIRL: (** _ **simultaneously**_ **) Ah! Whoa!**

 **IRONWOOD: (** _ **simultaneously**_ **) Ah!**

 **Ozpin: Talley-ho!**

 **Weiss: Good to see you, Ozpin.**

 **Ozpin: Of course, sir.**

Ruby giggled a little at the display.

 **Weiss: The first two floors have been entirely overrun. Communications with the outside have been cut off, we lost all our men, and Alucard is being...**

 **Ozpin: Alucard?**

 **Weiss: A total ass, yes. Now tell me, do you have any plans?**

 **Ozpin: Of course, sir. I shall do exactly as the butler does... and tidy up.**

After seeing everyone heard Yang sing "epic butler moment~".

 **(** _ **Scene change**_ **)**

 **Fennec: I don't give a shit, I don't give a fuck**

 **I don't give a shit! I don't give a fuck!**

 **Now if I give a shit, I might just give a fuck**

 **But I don't give a shit, so I don't give a-!**

 **(** _ **Subordinates instantly sliced to death**_ **)**

 **...Fuck was that?**

"GO Ozpin" Team RWBY yelled Ozpin smiled at the chant until Ms. Goodwitch threatened to give them detention if they don't be quiet.

 **Ozpin: Hello. My name is Ozpin C. Dornez, ex-vampire hunter and butler to the Hellsing Organization. I answer the door, I clean up the estate, and I take out the trash... and I also kill self-entitled little twats like yourself.**

"WooHoo!" Team RWBY yelled.

 **Fennec: Well, ain't you just the textbook fuckin' definition of classy! But guess what, Jeeves, (** _ **snaps fingers and armored subordinates emerge**_ **) that garrote wire won't do shit for dick against armor this thick! What's that, Alfred? "How thick is it?" Well, half as thick as mah dick! So thick enough that you need a fuckin' anti-tank rifle to pierce it, and I don't even see a piece on your wrinkly old ass.**

 **Ozpin: Police Girl, if you may.**

 **(** _ **view pans back to Police Girl with an anti-tank rifle**_ **)**

 **POLICE GIRL: Bitches love cannons! (** _ **fires at armored subordinates**_ **)**

"HELL YEAH!" Ruby and Yang yelled.

 **Fennec: Oh fuck, that's an anti-tank rifle... OH** _ **FUCK**_ **, THAT'S AN ANTI-TANK RIFLE!**

"Get Rekted Son!" Jaune prompting weird looks.

 **(** _ **Police Girl fires again**_ **)**

 **(** _ **Scene change**_ **)**

 **(** _ **Jake laughing on the TV, which is then destroyed when Corsac makes his entrance**_ **)**

"Hey" Jaune accused "That was a 70-inch plasma screen TV!". "He really likes that TV" Pyrrha told Nora

 **ALUCARD: ...That was a 70-inch... plasma screen TV. (** _ **deep breath**_ **) ...So, how can I help you?**

 **Corsac: You must be the great Alucard.**

 **ALUCARD: 'Suup.**

 **Corsac: I've heard quite a lot about you.**

 **ALUCARD: Oh really?**

 **Corsac: The night walker... who glides through oceans of blood. Beyond human. A monster whose power radiates with a darkness that casts a shadow on** _ **darkness itself**_ **!**

"Those are some title's" Ms. Goodwitch said.

 **ALUCARD: Oh, you dirty bitch, work the shaft!**

'What!' everyone thought.

 **Corsac: Ex...cuse you?**

 **ALUCARD: Oh I'm sorry, I, heh, I like to dirty talk when someone's** _ **sucking my dick**_ **!**

"Well, it's true" Roman said.

 **Corsac: Perhaps I should just skip to my point. My name is Corsac Albain.**

Ironwood mentally filed away the name of the White Fang soldier.

 **ALUCARD: And I'm Carmen Sandiego.** _ **Guess where I am**_ **!**

"That sounds like a cartoon character?" Taiyang said "don't know, her last name sound like a place" Summer spoke.

 **Corsac: I'm trying to have a serious conversation with you here.**

 **ALUCARD: Oh, so am I. And I'm failing. And I'm sorry for that. It's just that I'm so agitated, because this little shit strolled into my room, destroyed my** _ **70-inch plasma TV**_ **, and is trying to impress me like I'm his alcoholic father!**

Mercury sucked his breath that was a low blow right there.

 **(** _ **Corsac & Alucard aim their guns at each other**_ **)**

 **Be a sport and grab Daddy another beer, would you?**

Okay now he was just antagonizing the guy.

 **(** _ **gunshot; scene change**_ **)**

 **Fennec: (** _ **grunts**_ **)**

 **POLICE GIRL: Arm bars everywhere!**

"Go, me!" Ruby yelled while Weiss sighed.

 **Fennec: (** _ **simultaneously**_ **) Ah, let go of me, stupid bitch!**

Yang's eyes went red "my sister is not a bitch!" she yelled.

 **Ozpin: (** _ **simultaneously**_ **) That's quite impressive. Where did you learn that hold?**

 **POLICE GIRL: Oh wow, it's almost like I'm a** _ **police girl**_ **or something!**

 **Ozpin: Sarcasm is unbecoming of you.**

"It is unbecoming of you Miss. Rose" Ruby looked down bashfully "Sorry".

 **Fennec: Wow. Gee willikers, mister. I sure am sorry for slaughterin' all your guards and tearin' up your mansion. I promise I've learned my les-(** _ **Ozpin**_ _ **stomps on his hand**_ **) AH! Fuck! Take a joke, asshole!**

 **Ozpin: And everything you say just pisses me off! Now you're going to tell me everything I want to know.**

Everyone nodded Weiss mouthed kill him.

 **Fennec: Alright, alright. What you do... is you go down to the local pharmacy, ask for something called "Viagra", and it'll help ya GO FUCK YOURSELF!**

"Is every sentence he says vulgar" Winter said "yes" Yang answered.

 **Ozpin: (** _ **grunts**_ **)**

 **(** _ **Ghouls suddenly appear**_ **)**

"Oh no!" team RWBY.

 **Ozpin: (** _ **gasps**_ **)**

 **(** _ **Police Girl grunts as Fennec escapes her grasp**_ **)**

 **Fennec: And now for the upcoming company picnic. Unfortunately, all your douche bag coworkers are bringin' is their own rotten flesh. Still better than potato salad if you ask me. Now ifin you don't mind, I'ma go eat that Hellsing bitch!**

"Wait how is rotten flesh better than potato salad?" Ruby unable to get it "Maybe vampires have different taste buds" Jaune said. Ruby thought a bit before taking the explanation.

 **Ozpin: (** _ **throws garrote wire at Fennec's arm**_ **) I've got your arm!**

 **Fennec: (** _ **continues running despite his arm being cut in half**_ **) So shove it up your ass! Aha ha ha ha ha!**

"OH MY GOD!" everyone yelled 'how is still moving'?

 **(O** _ **pens door to meeting between Integra and financiers, only to find they all have guns trained on him**_ **)**

 **...Well that's not fair at all.**

 **Weiss: I'm sorry.** _ **We don't give a fuck**_ **.**

"I'm sorry. We don't give a fuck" Weiss said simultaneously before Winter glared at her.

 **(** _ **gunfire**_ **)**

 **Fennec: (** _ **multiple times**_ **) Fuck! (** _ **once**_ **) Motherfuckin' cunt with a fuckin' titty! Fuck! Fuck! Fuck! (** _ **slumps against the wall as gunfire ceases**_ **) Fuck! Ahg, where the fuck did my ghouls go?**

 **Ozpin: Oh, they've been dealt with.**

 **(** _ **flashback to Police Girl killing ghouls in a blood rage**_ **)**

"Whoa" Ruby said astonished at her own badassery "Go Ruby!" Yang cheered.

 **Fennec: Well, least I'm gonna die with a raging boner.**

 **Weiss:** _ **All right**_ **,** _ **shit-for-brains**_ **, you're going to spill every single thing you know or I'm going to have Walter here peel your dick** _ **like a banana**_ **!**

"Geeze, Dom much Weiss?" yang asked while Weiss hmphed and looked away.

 **Fennec: (** _ **giggles**_ **) I don't know what's fuckin' funnier: The fact that you think that your titless ass intimidates me, or that you think my boss would let me live if ya did.**

"I should look intimidating" Weiss said glaring until she heard stifling laughter.

 **(** _ **sets himself on fire**_ **)**

 **AND NOW I'M ON FUCKIN' FIRE! SO NOW IT'S FREE GAME! (** _ **flips the bird**_ **)** _ **The one who sent me**_ **...** _ **WAS**_ **...! ...** _ **White**_ _ **Faaang**_ **...!**

"Really now giving them information!" Adam yelled "can never trust humans" he told himself.

 **(** _ **Fennec dies and turns into a steaming pile of ash**_ **)**

 **Weiss: ...I heard George Lucas. Who else heard George Lucas?**

 **Ozpin: I heard Miami Heat.**

 **POLICE GIRL: I herd the Mötley Crüe with my vampire hearing.**

"What? But he said White Fang?" Ruby asked Ozpin replied, "It seems their brains can't handle it, so they hear something else".

 **Weiss: Wait a second... where's the big brother?**

"Now you're asking that?" Weiss told herself and facepalmed.

 **(** _ **Scene change: Corsac appears to have the upper hand in the shoot-out against Alucard**_ **)**

"Oh no! Alucard" Ruby yelled with worry uneasiness showed on everyone's face except Adam who was internally cheering 'see Corsac in beating him, take that Grimm Witch'.

 **Corsac: You can't touch me! I was** _ **hand-crafted**_ **to kill you! My speed, my stamina, my** _ **power**_ **all rival... nay, dwarf yours! In comparison to you, I am a** _ **demigod**_ **!**

"Okay, now he's just asking to die" Cinder said before rolling her eyes.

 **ALUCARD: (** _ **seemingly headless**_ **) Really? ...Really?**

 **Corsac: Really.**

 **ALUCARD: Really?!**

 **Corsac: Really!**

 **ALUCARD: (** _ **head re-emerges**_ **) REALLY?!**

 **Corsac: REALLY!**

"Really?" Ruby said unsure of what's going on.

 **ALUCARD: Release restraint to level one.**

 **Corsac: Level what?**

'Level what?' everyone thought.

 **(** _ **Alucard changes form and shoots Corsac in the leg**_ **)**

 **Agh! Agh! Fuck!**

 **DEMONIC!ALUCARD: You know they say that TV makes you violent. But I'd say not having my TV IS MAKING ME PRETTY FUCKING VIOLENT! (** _ **shoots Corsac in the other leg**_ **)**

Ruby could feel the dark malice and hatred through the screen "sca-ca-cary" Ruby stuttered as she tried to hide herself in her cloak. In another part of the theater some else was having very different thoughts Salem could feel the demonic aura around Alucard it was so _Hot~_ Salem felt her herself get wet a little.

 **Corsac: Aaaaggh! (** _ **falls next to the staircase**_ **) I'm near the stairs. Gotta get to the stairs. If I could just get up the stairs, I- (** _ **as view pans up the long staircase**_ **) ...** _ **Aaawwwwwwwww fuck**_ **.**

"Yep, you're fucked" Qrow told Corsac.

 **D!ALUCARD: Come on! You were talking all that good shit a second ago, then I blew your FUCKING legs off!**

 **Corsac: (** _ **terrified**_ **) But I... You...!** _ **What the fuck**_ **?!**

 **D!ALUCARD: What's wrong, "demigod"? Just grow back your legs! (** _ **crushes dead leg stump**_ **) Summon up your demons! HIT ME! FIGHT ME! Give me a hug!**

"What?" Ruby.

 **Corsac: ...Really?**

 **(** _ **Alucard grins before proceeding to eat Luke alive**_ **)**

 **Oh God no-!**

"See I told you he would win" Salem told Adam who was internally cursing her.

 **(** _ **Scene change: Integra and financiers are listening to the confrontation through the intercom**_ **)**

 **Corsac: (** _ **dying throughout the scene**_ **)**

 **D!ALUCARD: Hey, we're here on** _ **Epic Meal Time**_ **! I'm the Sauceboss! And tonight, we're eating this little wannabe demigod** _ **bitch**_ **!**

 **IRONWOOD: Who... is that exactly?**

"Oh, you know A REAL FUCKING VAMPIRE!" Yang yelled quoting the last showing.

 **Weiss: Oh, that's Alucard, the one we talked about earlier. This is what happens when he has to entertain himself. Oh, so what was that issue about funding?**

 **IRONWOOD: Issue?**

 **Port: What issue?**

 **PENWOOD: I don't see an issue.**

 **OLD ARSEHOLE #3: Shut up and take our money!**

Winter "Scaring your financial suppliers into dropping your budget issues" Weiss looked down scared of what she would "I approve" Winter finished "What?" Weiss asked while she looked up.

 **(** _ **Scene change**_ **)**

 **ALUCARD: (** _ **intercom**_ **) Ah, and just like that, everything turned out alright in the end.**

 **Weiss: Yes, everything turned out just fine... except that 90% of our staff were killed, turned into ghouls, then killed again by the police girl in a blood rage.**

 **POLICE GIRL: What's a blood rage? (** _ **intercom**_ **) And why don't I remember anything?**

"What's blood rage?" Ruby asked.

 **ALUCARD: That reminds me - for whatever reason, did we ever find out who sent them? (** _ **beat**_ **) ...It was the White Fang, wasn't it?**

 **Weiss: No.**

 **ALUCARD: Bet you I'm right.**

 **Weiss: Bet you you're wrong.**

 **ALUCARD: Bet you you're a** _ **skank**_ **.**

 **Weiss: Bet you you're an** _ **asshole**_ **!**

 **ALUCARD: BITCH I EAT PEOPLE!**

"So?" Weiss shrugged.

* * *

 **Im Tired**


	4. Episode 3:TheCrimsonFuckr

**I DO NOT OWN HELLSING ULTIMATE NOR HELLSING ULTIMATE ABRIDGED**

* * *

After the last episode ended everyone was talking about it. "Did you see what happened! Corsac shot like, PEW-PEW-PEW and then Alucard went I'm going to eat you, gobble-gobble-gobble!" Ruby spoke animatedly. "Yeah, I can't wait for the next episode!" Yang yelled pumping her fist up and down. **BEFORE WE BEGIN.** Everyone looked up and what was going to happen? Suddenly a gold orb pulled itself from the screen and positioned itself on one of the seats. The gold orb POPPED!

And fell out a young boy with dark skin wearing farmer's clothes. His body fell onto the seat and slumped down. A line of drool from flowing from his mouth signifying that he was out. Everyone looked at the boy curiously before his eyes start to open. He looked around and said "Oh, I'm here already" "you knew you were coming here?" Ozpin asked or more like stated.

Oscar nodded "The disembodied voice gave me all the information" he said "and what might your name be, young man?", "Oscar, Oscar Pines" Ozpin's eyes widened at that 'could he be...?' **WHILE I LIKE HEARING ABOUT OUR NEW GUEST THE EPISODE'S ABOUT TO BEGIN.** Everyone looked at the screen to see it was indeed starting up.

 **FENNEC: The following is a fan-based parody. Hellsing Ultimate is property of Kouta Hirano and Studio Madhouse...? The fuck is this?! You assholes brought me back from the dead to read this legal** _ **bullshit**_ **?! No no no no no no. FUCK. THAT! If I'm gonna come back to life to read a fucking line, then it's gonna be** _ **my**_ **kind of fucking line.**

"Oh god," Winter said pinching her nose in annoyance. "Why is this guy doing the disclaimer!" Weiss yelled.

 **(** _ **Clears throat**_ **)**

 **My THROBBING VAMPIRE DICK is a fan-based parody. Its SHAFT, BALLS and SCROTUM are property of me, FENNEC ALBAIN. And whatever bitch I happen to be giving it to at the time. Please support MY DICK by helping with its official** _ **release**_ **. You know you want to...**

"Uh, no I don't think so" Yang said in disgust "Why what did he say?" Ruby asked, she didn't hear because her father and mother were covering her ears and eyes with her cloak "You don't need to know" Summer said uncovering Ruby's head.

 **(** _ **flashback**_ **)**

"Whoa what is this place?" Nora asked looking at the setting. "It seems to be some type of war" Ironwood replied. "War?" Blake asked Ozpin nodded he knew the signs of a battlefield and this was one.

 **NICHOLAS HELLSING: Vampire king...**

"Grandpa Nick?!" Weiss and Winter shouted looking at the man who had Alucard by the collar. "Wait?" Yang looked at the screen to look at the man who defeated Alucard "That guy is your grandfather?" she yelled. "More importantly" Nora cut in "did you hear what he said?" Everyone looked at her "He called Fearless Leader, Vampire King!" Nora shouted "Which means Jauney's king of the castle, Jauney's king of the castle!" Nora sang. "Wait, look!" Ruby cut in, the screen showed Jaune bloody and bruised "It seems the Vampire king has been defeated" Weiss said with a smirk.

 **ALUCARD: (** _ **groaning**_ **)**

 **NICHOLAS HELLSING: You lay upon ze blood-soaked dirt of your ruined land. Castles plundered... dominions in ruin... servants destroyed - all to end ze hellfire wis which you sought to cover ze world. A bloody conquest having consumed hundreds of thousands, countless villages razed to ze ground, and over 20,000 impaled and prostrated by you and you alone to strike horror into the hearts of mortal men! Vhat say you, monster, demon, devil conceived by the bleakest womb?! WHAT SAY YOU** _ **NOW**_ **?!**

No one had words to describe the it was like his very presence oozed of superiority, his voice seemed to make the earth itself tremble "Holy shit" Yang whispered

 **ALUCARD: (** _ **Beat**_ **) ...The Aristocrats.**

The sound of facepalming can be heard in the audience "Of course he'd say that" Weiss muttered.

 **NICHOLAS HELLSING: Durgh! (** _ **he strikes Alucard, after which the flashback ends and Alucard wakes up in the Hellsing Mansion**_ **)**

Everyone exhaled "So it was a dream" Glynda said. "I hope I'm never in that position" Jaune said.

 **ALUCARD: Oh God... It's orientation day!**

"What does he mean by that?" everyone thought.

 **(** _ **Scene change**_ **)**

 **WEISS: Listen close. You've all been subcontracted as personal bodyguards to the Hellsing Organization. As you've heard, we deal with special interest targets: Terrorists, cultists, and individuals who believe themselves to be of... (** _ **titters**_ **)... a mystical persuasion.**

"So these are the men are supposed to compensate for the lack of security" Weiss thought out loud.

 **WILD GEESE: (** _ **laughing**_ **)**

"They seem less competent than the last guards" Weiss said with a twitching eye. "Wait a minute" Oscar cut in "That's me!"

 **OSCAR PINE: Well... is there anything else we should be informed about the facility?**

 **WEISS: Everything you need to know has already been covered in the briefing.**

 **ALUCARD: HEY-KIDS, WANNA-SEE-A-DEAD-BODY?!**

 **WILD GEESE: (** _ **screaming**_ **)**

Yang and Taiyang burst out in laughter "OH MY GOD!" Yang shouted wiping a tear from her face "That's hilarious!" Taiyang finished for her before he started coughing. Summer patted his back "Remember to breathe honey" Summer chastised Ruby did the same to Yang unbeknownst to them a certain tribe leader was glaring at them.

 **(** _ **Title sequence**_ **)**

 **WILD GEESE: (** _ **still screaming**_ **)**

 **WEISS: STOP SCREAMING!**

 **WILD GEESE: (** _ **whimpering like dogs**_ **)**

"Wow, playing the alpha female role are we?" Yang teased Weiss smirked "Of course, they need to know who's in charge after all".

 **ALUCARD: So what's up with the pride meeting?**

 **WEISS: They're a mercenary group contracted to replace all the soldiers we lost in the Valentine brothers'-**

"If they are, there making a bad impression they seem more like a gang than a military group" Ironwood didn't hide his distaste for mercenaries.

 **ALUCARD: Wait... are these guys French?**

"What so bad about being French?" Oscar exclaim bit miffed about Ironwood and Weiss's comments. "It seems that they aren't the most...reliable military force in this world" Ozpin inquired.

 **WEISS: We were forced to post mortality rates. They're the only ones who applied.**

 **ALUCARD: We are really scraping the bottom of the barrel here.**

 **OZPIN: Sir Integra, I apologize; I tried to stop him. But when I pleaded with him, he merely responded with, and mind my French, (** _ **to Oscar**_ **) no offense...**

 **OSCAR: Some taken.**

 **OZPIN: ..."Fuck the police". He then proceeded to tilt every painting he passed on the way here.**

 **ALUCARD: (** _ **maniacal laughter**_ **)**

 **WEISS: (** _ **sigh**_ **), Oh God. Walking through that hallway is going to give me such a headache now.**

Glynda rubbed her forehead "I sympathize with you, Ms. Schnee" remembering all the times she found a tilted painting, the perfectionist in her couldn't leave it be. "Finally someone agrees with me!" Weiss exclaimed

 **OZPIN: Speaking of headaches, a very curious letter arrived for you in the mail.**

 **WEISS: Russel Thrush? That filthy, slimy,** _ **arrogant**_ **,** _ **Italian PIECE OF SH**_ **-! (** _ **Scene change**_ **) Maxwell, oh it's been** _ **far**_ **too long.**

"Talk about mood change" Yang snickered, Weiss gave Yang a sweet smile and whispered something into her ear. Yang seemed to immediately turn to stone. Seeing her big sister's reaction Ruby asked her "What did Weiss tell you?" Yang looked and immediately said "Nothing" a bit too fast "Weiss, what did you tell Yang?" Ruby asked her best friend. "It's a girl secret" She replied giving Yang another sweet smile causing her to shiver. "But I'm a girl!" Ruby replied indignantly "Maybe your older" Weiss said.

 **RUSSEL: I agree. You're no longer that little girl I used to know. Look at all those lines on your face.**  
Everyone in the audience gasped, Adam and Torchwick burst out in laughter. A twitch mark appeared on Weiss's forehead while Russel smirked.

 **WEISS: And look at all the brown on your nose. How** _ **is**_ **the Pope doing?**

Weiss's words wiped Russel's smirk off his face. All Weiss had a victorious smile on her face.

 **RUSSEL: Better than your failing church.**

Weiss stopped smiling while the smirk appeared back on Russel's face.

 **WEISS: Well, not all of us can exploit illegals.**

Weiss smiled while Russel grit his teeth.

 **RUSSEL: But you don't waste time making money off Rupert Murdoch!**

Weiss grit her as well while glaring at Russel. Nora then yelled "Hey, look there's Allie!" using her new nickname for Alucard.

 **ALUCARD: Honestly, if you're going to have a dickfighting competition with a** _ **woman**_ **, you must have started off with the world's cruelest handicap. Which I'm sure benefits the 9 year-old boy you have chained up in your private Vatican jet. Which was paid for how? Oh right! Generous donations from your followers to spread the word of God...** _ **all over his back**_ **.**

"AAAOOOOH!" Everyone yelled at the burn, Russel gaped like a fish before a snapping noise was made. Everyone looked at the source of the sound to see Glynda with her riding crop and an ominous purple aura surrounding her "Everyone please be quiet, some people are trying to _watch_ " Glynda's glasses glinted from the screen light and untold promises of pain and trembling seem to quiet down the room.

 **RUSSEL: (** _ **crushes his glasses**_ **) WINCHESTEER!**

Everyone focused on the screen "Oh god, is insane Cardin coming back?!" Ruby yelled

 **CARDIN: Serve the Lord with fear and rejoice with trembling.**

"AHHH, ITS HIM ITS DEFINITELY HIM!" Ruby screamed before hiding her cloak let's just say she developed a fear after seeing herself nearly die to him.

 **ALUCARD: You got me a present?!**

Weiss gawked at him "How can he think of him as a present?!".

 **CARDIN: Kiss the son lest he be angry, and ye perish from the way... when his wrath is kindled but a little!**

 **(** _ **Alucard and Cardin laugh in a disturbing manner)**_

"Okay, are you two going to fight or fuck?" Nora interjected Jaune and Cardin looked at her gaping unable to convey words. "I think it's the same between them" Winter said.

 **POLICE GIRL: Right this way, group B! That's right! Right'n front'a everyone else! You're 80! You're used to it. We're going to look at art and paintings, which I believe are also art. I don't know! I'm Cockney! I'm uncultured!**

"it's okay as your best friend I'll help you" Weiss huffed in a determined tone, Ruby adopted a look of horror she turned to look at the rest of her family who turned a blind-eye to situation she then turned to Blake in a silent plea help, Blake didn't answer.

 **ALUCARD: Uhh. Welp, my boner's gone.**

"Oh, definitely" Roman said.

 **CARDIN: Aye. Kind of a mood killer.**

"I agree" Yang said not paying attention to Ruby who was currently burning holes through her back.

 **ALUCARD: Wanna try this again some other time?**

 **CARDIN: Of course! Kill you later, ya monstrous heathen.**

 **ALUCARD: You too, you Catholic sociopath. Whoops, tautology!**

 **RUSSEL: ...You want some coffee?**

 **WEISS: I'd love some.**

"Wow, Weiss talk about mood change" Yang taunted.

 **(** _ **Scene change**_ **)**

 **WEISS: So... the letter you sent never specified the purpose of this meeting.**

 **RUSSEL: Consider this a business transaction. I have two pieces of information that I wish to trade with you.**

"Information, what information would that be?" Weiss asked herself.

 **WEISS: And what would those be?**

 **RUSSEL: The true identity of The White Fang.**

Everyone's eyes widened as they looked at the White Fang compatriots in the audience. Adam grit his teeth in anger.

 **WEISS: Who?**

 **RUSSEL: The organization who assailed your compound.**

 **WEISS: Oh yeah; there was some debate over that.**

 **RUSSEL: And the whereabouts of said White Fang.**

"He knows there location?!" Weiss shouted. "He probably wants something exchange, there's no way giving that for free" Roman said.

 **WEISS: And what could you possibly want in exchange?**

 **RUSSEL: Oh, nothing major. Just two simple apologies from you and your subordinate known as "TheCrimson** _ **Fuckr**_ **"! Also known as Alucard.**

"An apology from Weiss?, would have more luck trying to get into her pants" Yang said. While Weiss sputtered.

 **WEISS: ...So you want an apology from me.**

 **RUSSEL: I figured, but didn't want to assume.**

 **WEISS: And, by chance, what would I have to apologize to the Iscariot Organization for?**

"Yes what do I need to apologize for?" Weiss snarked.

 **RUSSEL: Well, originally I'd ask you to apologize for being a** _ **scum-sucking,**_ _ **blaspheming**_ **,** _ **ignorant**_ **,** _ **Protestant pig sow**_ **! But in this case, the sins of your pet vampire are of greater concern.**

"What did he do this time?!" Weiss said "Shh, let's find out" Yang said hoping to calm her down.

 **WEISS: What did he do** _ **this**_ **time?**

 **RUSSEL: Over the last couple of years, he has sent no less than 200 death threats to the Pope. By carrier pigeon, no less! They just... fly right into the Vatican! The latest one read as** _ **such**_ **... (** _ **clears throat**_ **) "Dear Chief Replacement..."**

 **ALUCARD: (** _ **continues reading letter**_ **) "I wanted to send you this friendly little letter to inform you of your imminent demise. If you're curious about the frequency of which I've sent these letters, it is merely to instill as much fear as I can. As if basting a turkey. Which I will then proceed to have sex with."**

 **"That's right."**

 **"I'm going to FUCK the fear turkey."**

 **"Follow me on Twitter TheCrimsonFuckr!"**

 **RUSSEL: "Sincerely, Alucard".**

"I wonder if he's real?" Ruby told herself before whipping out her scroll "Holy shit, he is!". "Don't swear" Summer admonished "Sorry, but he's real!" Ruby said a few decibels lower.

 **WEISS: ...I can't help but ponder the frightful headway we'd make if he put that sort of energy into his job.**

"All the world's vampires would probably go extinct" Ozpin deduced

 **RUSSEL: Soo... that apology~?**

Yang picked up her scroll to record what was going to happen "I need to hear this" Yang explained.

 **WEISS: (** _ **sigh**_ **)... I'm sor- (** _ **Scene: Hellsing Mansion**_ **) So that's where they are.**

"Wow can't even say sorry, you really are Ice Queen's sister" Qrow said.

 **OZPIN: Interesting. But do you think Alucard will go?**

 **WEISS: Not as long as it's an order.**

 **OZPIN: I think I have an idea...**

"Oh, this backfire on us so bad isn't it," Glynda said. "Now, now have some faith in my counterpart" Ozpin Rebutted.

 **(** _ **Scene change**_ **)**

 **OZPIN: Did you know you have vacation days?**

 **ALUCARD: I have vacation days!? You mean I can leave anytime I want and** _ **not**_ **get yelled at over the phone? Because seriously, it's** _ **always**_ **over the phone! Mostly because I don't like to argue with her in person. I get a boner. It's super awkward.**

Weiss made a strangling noise in her mouth that sound like a kitten while everyone except Jaune burst out laughing.

 **OZPIN: Quite.**

 **ALUCARD: Well, that settles it. I'm going traveling!**

 **OZPIN: Yes, you can go anywhere you wish... except for Brazil. Sir Weiss was quite insistent that you** _ **never**_ **visit Brazil.**

"He's going to Brazil isn't he" Weiss said rhetorically "Of course its reverse psychology" Summer said.

 **(** _ **Beats**_ **)**

 **ALUCARD: Takin'-the-police-girl-and-the-Frenchman.**

 **(** _ **Scene: Hellsing private jet**_ **)**

 **OSCAR: So where is the police girl?**

 **ALUCARD: Oh you know, she's downstairs.**

 **OSCAR: Isn't that the cargo hold?**

"Why would I be in the cargo hold?" Ruby questioned.

 **POLICE GIRL: (** _ **muffled; weeping**_ **) I have a fear of flying, coffins, and tight place-heess...!**

"The why are you in all three?!" Weiss yelled not really getting the logic.

 **(** _ **Scene: Brazil**_ **)**

 **ALUCARD: Jesus wants a hug!**

Surprisingly it was Summer who spoke up "Hey you take that back!" she yelled at the screen "Wait you believe in God?" Ruby asked, "yep, I pray to Him every time you went on a mission," she said. Ruby's eyes widened as she learned something about her mom she didn't know before.

 **HOTEL CLERK: There we are - a regular two bedroom.**

 **ALUCARD: Hilarious. No, I want the penthouse.**

" He thinks he can get the penthouse by asking?" Winter said eyebrows raised, "He's probably got some neat trick up his sleeve," Ironwood said crossing his arms

 **HOTEL CLERK: I'm... sorry, sir. Mr. Chevy Chase currently has that room reserved.**

 **ALUCARD: (** _ **echo**_ **)** _ **I said**_ **... (** _ **normal voice**_ **) you want to give me the penthouse.**

 **HOTEL CLERK: I... want to give you the penthouse.**

"OH MY GOD, just how many powers he have?!" Weiss yelled, "HAX, I CALL HAX!" Sun said. "Well he is a vampire" Ruby "But, vampires don't that many powers!" Weiss told. "Silly Weiss" Nora interrupted "UH!?" "It's because he's the Vampire King".

 **ALUCARD: And you want to kick out Chevy Chase because he's an asshole.**

 **HOTEL CLERK: And I want to kick out Chevy Chase because he's an asshole.**

 **ALUCARD: See this, Frenchie? I can make him say whatever I want. (** _ **to clerk**_ **)** _ **White Chicks**_ **was amazing.**

 **HOTEL CLERK:** _ **White Chicks**_ **was amazing!**

 **ALUCARD: He believes it too!**

 **OSCAR: Eugh!**

"Eugh!" nearly all the audience went except Ruby who said, "I liked that movie," she said "That's why we don't ask you to pick movies," Blaske said.

 **(** _ **Scene change**_ **)**

 **SPY: Scarlet Tampon to Sticky Sock. TheCrimsonFuckr has checked in. I repeat: TheCrimsonFuckr has checked in. Also, I'm choosing the goddamn nicknames next time!**

Roman burst out laughing "HAHAHA, I'm going to have to name some thugs after that" he said wiping a tear from his face.

 **OSCAR: So, if zis doesn't sound weird... would you... maybe like to get a drink later? Hit up a club?**

 **ALUCARD: You're not my friend, you're my body guard. Make it past two weeks, I** _ **might**_ **learn your name. Until then, you're spare blood.**

"Hey!" Oscar yelled "I was trying to be nice!" he pouted.

 **OSCAR: Jeez, fine!**

 **ALUCARD: Also, tell that guy to stop spying on me; it's creepy!**

"HA, guess Scarlet Tampon was caught" Yang shrugged while Weiss made her disgust of that name clear with her facial expressions **.**

 **SPY:** _ **Shit**_ **-** _ **shit**_ **-** _ **shit**_ **!**

 **ALUCARD: Now that I'm all by myself... I can just kick back and reeeela-**

 **(** _ **Scene change; sirens and shouting heard on TV**_ **)**

 **REPORTER: Shots fired from the penthouse suite on the top floor.**

"What, he got in trouble again!" Weiss yelled exasperated.

 **OSCAR: (** _ **during broadcast**_ **) What?**

 **REPORTER: The initial SWAT team has not reported back, leading officials to fear the worst.**

 **(** _ **Oscar does a beer spittake**_ **)**

 **(** _ **Scene change**_ **)**

 **REPORTER: The terrorist duo inside is comprised of a young British woman, and some Ozzy Osbourne-looking motherfucker.**

 **CARDIN: (** _ **during broadcast**_ **) Ah ha ha, ah ha ha ha.**

 **(** _ **Scene: Hellsing Mansion**_ **)**

 **WEISS: On the phone. Get-him-on-the-phone! I-want-him-on-the-phone-RIGHT-NOW!**

 **(** _ **Scene change**_ **)**

 **(** _ **Ringtone**_ **)**

 **ALUCARD: Hold on a minute, I gotta take this.(** _ **answers phone**_ **) Yello~?**

 **WEISS: What. Did you do?**

 **ALUCARD: Alright. (** _ **beat**_ **) But you can't be mad at me.**

 **WEISS:** _ **What**_ **.** _ **Did you do**_ **?**

 **ALUCARD: Okay,** _ **first**_ **... I was** _ **minding my own business**_ **.**

 **WEISS: BULLSHIT!**

"BULLSHIT!" nearly everyone cried.

 **ALUCARD: I** _ **waaas**_ **!**

 **WEISS: And exactly** _ **what**_ **happened whilst you were "minding your own business"?**

" **Yes. Please tell us!?" Winter asked her patience waning.**

 **ALUCARD: So, I was just chillaxin' in my room like a baller, then all of a sudden these shmucks kicked in my door!**

 **(** _ **Flashback: SWAT team makes forced entry into Alucard's room**_ **)**

 **(** _ **present**_ **) One of them yelled out:**

 **SWAT GUY: (** _ **flashback**_ **) Get on your knees!**

 **ALUCARD: (** _ **present**_ **) And I responded with: (** _ **flashback**_ **) I'M NOT YOUR MOTHER LAST NIGHT! (** _ **present**_ **) ...And they took exception to that.**

 **SWAT GUY: (** _ **flashback**_ **) Aaargh!**

 **(** _ **SWAT team shoot Alucard down to a bloody pulp**_ **)**

The non-villainous group gulped while they knew he wasn't dead it still wasn't a pretty sight to see.

 **ALUCARD: (** _ **present**_ **) But, you know how that song and dance goes...**

 **SWAT GUY: (** _ **flashback**_ **) Huh?**

 **(** _ **Alucard decimates the team down to a man**_ **)**

 **ALUCARD: (** _ **present**_ **) ...Aaand I killed all but one of them.**

 **WEISS: What happened to the last one?**

 **(** _ **Flashback: Remaining operative whimpers in fear before firing a bullet in his own head**_ **)**

 **ALUCARD: (** _ **present**_ **) Pussed out like a** _ **bitch**_ **! Silver lining - I can cancel my room service!**

"So, he didn't actually do anything," Ruby said sticking up to her friend even in another universe.

 **(** _ **Scene change**_ **)**

 **(** _ **Sirens and shouting**_ **)**

 **OFFICER: So, we've sent like, 10 guys up there and we haven't heard back. Think everything's alright?**

 **DANDY MAN: Naturalmente, don't worry about it. Of course everything's fine.**

"Oooooh, I'm a vampire," Torchwick said "It seems you are the one who staged the attack" Winter glared at the criminal."

 **OFFICER: Well... no matter what we're still going to get our immortality, right?**

"Immortality?, wait did I bribe them with immortality?" Roman asked before bursting into laughter.

 **DANDY MAN: Buddy, my friend, do I look like the kinda guy who would go back on an agreement? By the way... you may want to send more men.**

"Yes", "definitely" chorused around the room while Roman pouted.

 **OFFICER: Well, that sounds reasonable.**

"And that shows how dumb these guys are," Jaune told.

 **(** _ **Scene change**_ **)**

 **ALUCARD: (** _ **in-between feeding on the SWAT team**_ **) You've been like, really quiet for like, five minutes. (** _ **feeding**_ **) Oh I know why you're angry! It's because I went to Brazil, isn't it?**

 **WEISS: Alucard... put the police girl on the phone.**

 **ALUCARD: Really? You want to talk to- ...Okay, fine. Whatever. (** _ **muffled; to Ruby**_ **) Take the fucking call.**

 **POLICE GIRL: (** _ **muffled**_ **) What does she want?**

 **ALUCARD: (** _ **muffled**_ **) I don't fucking know, she wanted to talk to you. I'm going for a walk. (** _ **closes door**_ **)**

 **POLICE GIRL: 'Ello?**

 **WEISS: Whatever you do, do not let Alucard leave that room, under** _ **any**_ **circumstance!**

 **POLICE GIRL: Actually, he just left. He said he was going for a walk.**

 **WEISS: NOOO!**

"NOOO!" Weiss yelled like her on screen-counterpart.

 **(** _ **Scene: Alucard walks into a hallway with multiple SWAT guns trained on him**_ **)**

 **ALUCARD: Hey guys, how's your health plan? (** _ **Operatives fire at will**_ **) APPARENTLY, IT'S GREAT! (** _ **proceeds to massacre operatives**_ **)**

 **WEISS: (** _ **in despair**_ **) Ozpin... be honest with me... What are we looking at in terms of collateral?**

 **OZPIN: Well... (** _ **Scene: Alucard exits full of dead operatives**_ **) ...the Alucard amount.**

"Oh, oh- my god" Glynda forced out as everyone looked at the amount of destruction that Alucard was causing in shock and fear.

 **(** _ **Bystanders scream as the massacre continues outside**_ **)**

 **DANDY MAN: I heard you know how to make an entrance. If I had known you were going to do all this, I'd have hung some Union Jacks for you.**

"How are you so calm about this!?" Ruby yelled at Torchwick "you tricked those guys and made go to their deaths" "not my fault there so dumb" Torchwick replied while Ruby glared at him.

 **ALUCARD: Hold on... did you put all this on for me? Who are you?**

 **DANDY MAN: I am Roman Torchwick, or the "Dandy Man". I may or may not have fed a lie to the local policia that in return for your capture, I would give them immortality.**

 **ALUCARD: And they fuckin' bought that?**

 **DANDY MAN: Like discount peixe.**

 **ALUCARD: (** _ **amused**_ **) You cheeky dick-waffle! So then, what's the deal?**

 **DANDY MAN: A cute choice of words. I wish to play a card game, vampiro.**

 **ALUCARD: What, we talking 52 Pickup?**

 **DANDY MAN: Noo; more like 52 CUTUP!**

"Cool, I can control cards" Torchwick exclaimed.

 **(** _ **Dandy Man and Alucard commence hostilities**_ **)**

 **ALUCARD: Hit mee~! Whoop!**

 **WEISS: (** _ **watching the TV**_ **) Oh my God, why are they doing this outside?! (** _ **battle continues**_ **) Well at least he's just dodging them. (** _ **Alucard continually fires bullets (which miss and kill the police instead) at DM**_ **)** _ **Oh come on**_ **,** _ **that was on purpose**_ **!**

Everbody gawked at the screen, no way would that have happened unless they purposely aimed.

 **(** _ **Alucard shoots the "Dandy Man", who turns out to be a clone made of cards**_ **)**

 **ALUCARD: So, he can make card clones.**

"That's awesome," Torchwick said.

 **(** _ **An explosion knocks him off his feet**_ **)**

 **DANDY MAN: You activated my trap card. (** _ **snaps fingers**_ **)**

"Ha, Yugioh reference," Roman said, "Wait, you watch Yugioh?" Nora "I DO TO!" she said.

 **ALUCARD: Oh boy! (** _ **caught in the subsequent explosion**_ **)**

 **DANDY MAN: (** _ **chuckles**_ **)**

 **ALUCARD: Hey, Dandy Dick! (** _ **beat**_ **) You missed! (** _ **as he runs up a building**_ **) Woop-Woop-Woop-Woop-Woop-Woop-Woop-Woop-Woop-Woop!**

"Is he even trying?" Glynda asked.

 **(** _ **Scene change**_ **)**

 **(** _ **General urgent chatter**_ **)**

 **OFFICER 2: Do you think Torchwick can take him?**

"Of, course I can," Torchwick said arrogantly "you really think you can win?" Cinder asked "well- uh, probably not," Torchwick said.

 **OFFICER: Calm down man, it's fine. I'm just focused on what I'm gonna do with my immortality.**

 **OFFICER 2: Joke's on you; I'm getting double immortality! Huh-?**

"They really believed that," Yang said shock Double immortality? Just how dumb are these people? **"**

 **(** _ **Oscar (disguised as a SWAT operative) shoots police in the tent**_ **)**

 **OSCAR: Un... Deux... Trois, Quatre, cinq...**

 **GUARD: No, no no no no-!**

 **(** _ **Bernadotte continue to shoot**_ **)**

 **OSCAR: Six, sept... (** _ **hums**_ **La Marseillaise** _ **as he casually walks out of the tent, then detonates the tent and exhales**_ **) ...Now let's see what he thinks about having zat drink with me...**

"SO AWESOME!" Ruby shouted shout shouting fast lines of gibberish and Oscar trying to calm her down.

 **(** _ **Scene: Alucard on his knees with a long trail of blood behind him**_ **)**

Everybody gasped, was Alucard being beaten?

 **ALUCARD: (** _ **winces**_ **)... Could use a drink right now. Not used to seeing this much of my own blood anymore. Guy's got magic cards... and magic hands.**

Wiess chuckled "Of, course he'd a joke".

 **DANDY MAN: Tell me, Alucard - are you a betting man?**

"No, not really," Jaune said.

 **ALUCARD: I believe that's your shtick.**

 **DANDY MAN: I'd like to make a little bet with you,** _ **vagabundo**_ **. I'll end your life... with one hand.**

"Cocky much," Emerald said "I wouldn't say that unless I got something up my sleeve" Torchwick replied. "That or your just arrogant" Cinder said.

 **ALUCARD: I'll take that bet. Now... HIT ME WITH YOUR BEST SHOT! (** _ **DM flings two cards at him, to no effect**_ **) Oh, shame for you...**

 **DEMONIC!ALUCARD: ...You activated my Alu-card.**

"Well I'm dead," Roman said looking at Alucard. "At least I was able to make him lift his restrictions".

 **DANDY MAN: What? (** _ **blocks gunshot**_ **) Que merda? (** _ **blocks more gunshots**_ **)**

 **POLICE GIRL: GET SOOOOOOME!**

"GOO MEEEE!" Ruby shouted into the air.

 **DANDY MAN: (** _ **still blocking gunshots**_ **) Guh!** _ **Putaaa**_ **!**

 **POLICE GIRL: Trump** _ **this**_ **! (** _ **fires another bullet, which DM slices in half with a card**_ **)**

 **DANDY MAN: I'm getting real tired of this** _ **shit**_ **!**

 **D!ALUCARD: You and me** _ **both**_ **. (** _ **breaks DM's left leg with a kick to the knee**_ **)**

 **DANDY MAN: (** _ **screaming**_ **)**

 **D!ALUCARD: Now show me your hand... DAAANDY MAAAAN!**

 **(** _ **Alucard carves DM's left arm in half lengthways with his hand**_ **)**

"HOLY SHIT!" everyone shouted. "Well, I guess he was 'Disarmed'" Yang said as everyone groaned from the bad pun. For some reason, Yang started to feel phantom pain in her right arm.

 **DANDY MAN: (** _ **screams in excruciating agony, then whimpers when Alucard grasps his face**_ **)**

 **ALUCARD: Hey, Dandy Man?**

 **DANDY MAN: Huh?**

 **ALUCARD: You lost.**

 **DANDY MAN: Uh-huh.**

 **ALUCARD: And now I have to read your mind...**

"He can do that?" Cinder asked.

 **DANDY MAN: Huh?**

 **ALUCARD: ...by drinking all of your blood.**

 **DANDY MAN: (** _ **whimpering/screaming**_ **)**

"That's possible?" Ruby asked, "how does he have so many powers?" Weiss yelled in frustration "He's the Vampire King~" Nora sang.

 **ALUCARD:** _ **Om nom nom nom**_ **! (** _ **Chomps DM on the neck, then enters his mind and sees a bunch of garish colors**_ **) The fuck is this...? The fuck is** _ **that**_ **...?** _ **The fuck are those**_ **?**

"Torchwick, what kind of drugs are you on?" Ironwood asked incredulously, Torchwick shrugged "All of them".

 **(** _ **Vision changes to the Adam with a White Fang flag behind him; Alucard starts laughing and clapping**_ **)**

 **POLICE GIRL: ...Master?**

 **ALUCARD: Hold on! I need to tweet about this.**

 **(** _ **Scene: Weiss accesses Alucard's Twitter page and sees a Tweet marked**_ **"IT'S WHITE FANG. #calledit #bitcheslovecannons #fuckmotheringvampire"** _ **, then sighs in disgust**_ **)**

"Really? he's a total manchild" Weiss exasperated.

 **OZPIN: Sir Weiss, is something the matter?**

 **WEISS: It's the** _ **fucking**_ **-!**

 **(** _ **Scene: Nazi HQ**_ **)**

 **ADAM** _ **: WHITE FAANG~!**_

"Whoa, quick scene change," Mercury noticed.

 **WATTS: I am so sorry, Major, for ze failure of ze Dandy Man**

 **ADAM: Ah, give it a rest, Herr Doctor. He was a Brazilian DOG who died feeding a much** _ **bigger**_ **beast a valuable piece of information.**

"Hey, I take offense to that, Bull" Roman said.

 **WATTS: But Major, now that they know of our plans-**

 **ADAM: Ahh~, Herr Doctor~, but that** _ **is**_ **the plan. Now zat zey know our plan, zey will plan around our plan, and so ve shall in turn plan around ze plan that zey are planning around our plan!**

Adam stared at the screen "Am I insane in that world" he said putting his head in his hands while Sienna stared at him"You just noticed" she said.

 **WATTS: Your brilliance knows no bounds!**

 **ADAM: And regardless... we have one advantage that zey sorely lack~... ZEPPELINS!**

"How is that an advantage, can't they shoot them out of the sky," Weiss said "Definitely" Winter answered.


	5. Episode 4:Trigger Warning

**DANDY MAN: The following is a fan-based parody, puta. Hellsing Ultimate is owned by Kouta Hirano and Studio Madhouse, and licensed by Geneon, Madman Entertainment, Manga Entertainment, and Funimation. Vá lamber o cu da sua mãe. It means, "Go suck your mother's cu-**

"Swear!" Ruby and Summer shouted while Torchwick just rolled his eyes.

 **(** _ **Scene: Weiss on the phone**_ **)**

 **ALUCARD: Say it!**

 **WEISS: Fuck you.**

 **ALUCARD: After you say it.**

 **WEISS: You're really going to force me on this?**

 **ALUCARD: I'm at half mast! I** _ **need**_ **to hear this!**

 **WEISS:** _ **Fine**_ **!** _ **You were right**_ **!**

Yang looked at the screen shocked "Holy shit" Wiess glared at her daring her to say something.

 **ALUCARD: Hnnn-nn-nn-nn-nng-nng-ngr-ngr-ngr...!**

Weiss made a disgusted face while the rest of RBY chuckled.

 **WEISS: Jump up your own ass and DIE!**

 **ALUCARD: Ahhhhh! Houston... we have** _ **nooo problems**_ **.**

 _ **(Cardin breaks into the Hellsing Mansion, audibly shocking Ruby and Oscar**_ **)**

"Oh no, Cardin!" Ruby yelled as the non-villainous students glared at the team "WHAT!" Cardin yelled in exasperation.

 **CARDIN: Raargh!**

 **ALUCARD: OK, dude, I just- I just finished, I'm gonna need like, five minutes over here to recharge-**

 **(** _ **Alucard and Cardin trade blows**_ **)**

 **Never mind, we're back in business!**

"Break his Legs Jaune!" Nora cheered.

 **RUBY: I've got him! (** _ **attempts to strike Cardin, who counters with a bayonet that almost hits her**_ **) OH! (** _ **trembles in fear**_ **)**

"Eep!" Ruby squealed before sighing in relief "I didn't die".

 **ALUCARD: Ah great, and now she's triggered. Could be all day with it...**

 **( _Ruby_** _ **turns catatonic**_ **)**

 **Ruby: The good Lord has handed down a blessing to ya** _ **filthy heathens**_ **as a sign of good will... A small private Vatican jet. Now, if you would be so very Christian-like to ship your sorry pale ass out! (** _ **Ruby remains catatonic**_ **) And take your trigger happy harlot with ya! And the woman!**

 **OSCAR: (** _ **after finishing his soft drink**_ **) ...Donc quoi?**

"I'm not a woman!" Oscar yelled at Cardin.

 **ALUCARD: Man, I don't know what I find funnier: The Catholic Church strong-arming you into helping us, or the fact that you obviously haven't seen what I did to the statue of Big J~!**

 **(** _ **beat; view changes to Christ the Redeemer adorned with a rainbow-colored flag labelled "420YOLOSWAG4JESUS")**_

Then all the Christians in the room started shouting expletives and curse words at Alucard.

 **CARDIN: AAAAAAAAAARGH...!**

 **(** _ **Title sequence**_ **)**

 **(** _ **Scene: London**_ **)**

 **RENALDO: Di banner won't-a come-a down. I think it's a constrictor knot.**

 **ALUCARD: (** _ **muffled**_ **) What- What do you mean, you "forgot the song"? Okay, screw- screw it, no screw it! Screw it! Just, t-take my phone and hit "Random". No, just hit "Random". Okay. Three, two...**

 **(** _ **Alucard, Ruby and Oscar enter the room to the sound of Alucard's ringtone**_ **)**

 **(** _ **normal**_ **) No, okay, turn it off, turn it off! (** _ **music cut-off**_ **) It didn't work.** _ **It did not work**_ **.**

"I think it did~" Yang said with a sly smile.

 **WEISS: Following your example?**

 **ALUCARD: Ooh, catty! Oh shit, is that Cindy?!**

Cinder's eyes widened "I'm here?".

 **BODYGUARD: Excuse me sir, you're going to have to-**

 **ALUCARD: Get out of my way!**

 **THE QUEEN: Well, well, well. If it isn't Allie. Your skin is still as smooth as the day I felt it on my own...**

Eyes widening again "I'm the Queen?" Cinder asked rhetorically before smirking while Salem rolled her eyes.

 **ALUCARD: You know it. Reminds me of when I'd keep your bed warm during the Blitz.**

Mercury's and Emerald eyes widened before looking back and forth from the and Cinder who's attention seemed to only be on the screen.

"I can see it" Mercury whispered into Emerald's ear. She blushed and pushed Mercury away thinking 'No she's mine!' with a small blush on her face.

 **THE QUEEN: Those were better days. I was younger, beautiful...**

 **ALUCARD: Oh shut up, you old hag! I'd still wreck you like Diana!**

 **THE QUEEN: Ha-ha-ha-ha-ha-ha! Oh, you know exactly what to say to moisten me up...**

"UH!" Torchwick and Mercury said before being shut up by Cinder and Emerald glare.

 **IRONWOOD: Gah, I can never have sex again!**

 **WEISS: Alucard... if you please.**

 **ALUCARD: You're right. Enough focusing on the past... Instead, let's focus on the past! Back in World War II, Ozpin and I were part of a top-secret government operation called "Operation Fang Control". Ozpin was fifteen, and I'm pretty sure if I'm remembering correctly, I was a** _ **girl**_ **...**

"Wait if he was a girl then that implies..." Emerald looked at Cinder who glared at her.

"Finish that sentence, I dare you" she said in a clipped tone "Eep!" Emerald squealed before looking away.

 **REGINALD: Wait a second; then that implies that the Queen-**

 **ALUCARD: INTERRUPT MY STORY AGAIN, REGGIE! SEE WHAT HAPPENS! (** _ **beat**_ **) But yeah, we were under orders to stick it sideways to a group of White Fang scientist whackjobs interested in creating a vampire army. And did we!**

"Well seems like he missed a spot" Weiss snarked.

 **WEISS: Seems you missed a spot.**

Weiss blushed while RBY chuckled "echo" said Yang.

 **ALUCARD: Are you g- Are you gonna do this right now? In front of everybody?**

 **WEISS: The point is, enough members have survived and are planning on finishing their mission. They've established a base in Brazil, and are using the name-**

 **BLAKE: "White Fang".**

 **(** _ **Weiss and Russel gasp; Coco and Oscar train their guns on Blake**_ **)**

 **Warten Sie! How do you say... "Do not shoot ze messenger".**

"Blake?"

"yes Ruby?"

"why are you a cat-boy?"

"I don't know" Blake answered while Yang laughed perversely in the background.

 **ALUCARD: Ah... the return of the Y-boner...** _ **with a vengeance**_ **!**

"Why does he have a boner anyway?" Blake asked herself.

 **WEISS: How did he get in here?**

 **OZPIN: We had over a dozen guards.**

 **ALUCARD: Those were ours? I mean oh my God, how did he get through the guuuardss-ss-ks?!**

"I shouldn't even expect anything less" Weiss said with a throbbing vein on her forehead.

 **BLAKE: (** _ **after placing a TV on the table**_ **) My commanding officer, Ze Major, would like to** _ **personally**_ **introduce himself... along with our vonderful organization. (** _ **tries to acquire video feed, to no avail**_ **) ...What? (** _ **tries again**_ **)**

"Oh my god" Sienna sighed seeing the tomfoolery on screen Adam grinded his teeth and was shaking in anger and embarrassment 'come on Blake your making White Fang look like fools'. All the while Blake shook her head with a blush one her face and Weiss and Jaune sweat dropped 'these are our enemies'.

 **ADAM: (** _ **audio only**_ **) Blake?**

 **BLAKE: It's not working, Major!**

 **ADAM: Did you click "TV" zen "Power"?**

 **BLAKE: Oh vait, I'm on Video 2.**

 **ADAM: Nein! Video 1!**

 **BLAKE: (** _ **acquires video feed**_ **) Got it!**

 **ADAM: Hellooo~!**

 **ALUCARD: He-ha-ha-ha-ha-ha-ha-ha-ha-ha-ha! Aha-ha-ha-ha-ha-ha-ha-ha-ha!** _ **He's still so fucking fat**_ **! (** _ **continues laughing**_ **) He's like a Nazi Louis C.K., ha-ha-ha-ha! Wait, wait! No, no; Jim Gaffigan! Jim Gaffigan...!**

"Gur-hrk!" Adam made a strangled noise as he looked in disgust at his body how was he was he supposed to strike fear in humans if he looked like that!

 **ADAM: Ah, if it isn't ze memorable Alucard... his provider, Sir Weiss... ze Bean Counters... und of course - very interesting to see, by ze vay - ze Vatican. How does it feel to vork vith your svorn enemies, Father Thrush?**

 **RUSSEL: Not as painful as your** _ **obnoxious**_ **voice.**

 **ADAM: Ah, come on! Ve used to be** _ **friends**_ **with ze Vatican! Remember how you aided us in our escape from Germany?**

Gasp! The entire audience turn around and looked at Russel who was being studied by his own team Cardin himself was gaping at him "You helped those animals?"

Cardin asked unaware at the glares being sent by the audience.

"Different universe?" Russel squeaked hoping to appease his leader's anger still angry Cardin pivoted his sight towards the screen and so did the audience.

 **RUSSEL: Gur-hrk!**

 **ADAM: Uh-oh, I guess they veren't supposed to know zat~!**

 **WEISS: So that's how you knew about them.**

 **RUSSEL:: Arrtf! (** _ **resigned sigh**_ **) ...Yes.**

 **ADAM: I'm sure you're chomping at the bit to find out vhat ve have in store for you, nein?**

 **WEISS: White Fang army.**

 **ADAM: ...Wow, just... kill all ze fun! Put ze fun in camps, vhy don't you?**

"Yeah, why don't you?" Adam shot at the humans people just sighed and ignored the stubborn bull.

 **ALUCARD: Yeah, you Fun-White Fang.**

 **WEISS:** _ **Get to the fucking point**_ **!**

 **ADAM: Vell, mind me if it seems a little too American for you, but... at some time, some place, somezing vill attack you. Maybe. Probably. Could be happening right noooow~!**

 **ALUCARD: Fingers crossed!**

 **ADAM: But rest assured, zis is no simple incursion... (** _ **in background**_ **) We have prepared studiously, und soon, ze fruits of our endless dedication will run** _ **wild**_ **. Und ze blood of Britain shall flow out the English Channel!**

 **-** _ **simultaneously with Adam speaking in background**_ **-**

 **BLAKE: Fräulein... Fräulein... Fräulein...! HEY, FRÄULEIN!**

 **RUBY: Oi!**

 **(** _ **beat**_ **)**

 **BLAKE: Ve would make beautiful children.**

"I-uh WHAT?" Ruby yelled somehow managing to change to the color of her cloak

"Blake" Yang said her eyes were red and her hair flaming

"what did you just say?".

Blake raised her hands in a placating manner "uh-ah different universe?"

Blake hoping that would work "oh yea why's your nose bleeding".

"Uh-ugh" was Blake's smart response.

sure enough a small trickle of red was pouring from her nostrils.

"You were thinking about "doing stuff" to my sister weren't you" Yang yelled enraged her ignored Blake's pleas as she punched her in her face. In the end of the row Adam watched seething. 'So this is how weak you've become, my love' he thought.

 **-** _ **background speech ends**_ **-**

 **RUBY: Uh...! (** _ **blushes**_ **)**

 **(** _ **Alucard shoots Blake in the face**_ **)**

 **ALUCARD: Was that boy/girl bugging you?**

Blake sighed in relief as she held her nose that had broken when Yang punched her "thank god" she muttered under breath.

 **ADAM: Und like zhat, ze var begins!**

 **ALUCARD: Whoops! Did I just accidentally a war?**

 **WEISS: Police Girl...**

 **(** _ **Ruby shoots the TV to pieces**_ **)**

 **RUBY: ...Huh. They would've looked rather nice, actually.**

"Wait-What!" Ruby said in surprise at her own action this started turning gears in RWBY's thoughts and they started to think about their leader and … you know what stopping there, nope!

 **WEISS: Alright now; Alucard, clean that u- (** _ **notices all traces of Blake have disappeared**_ **) ...o- ...oh (!)**

"Where did I go?"

"Maybe your like Cardin?" Ruby inferred.

"Maybe" Weiss said as they tried to wrap their head around Blake's disappearing act.

 **ALUCARD: Oh wow! Looks like he was self-cleaning! And/or magical.**

 **THE QUEEN: Weiss? Alucard?**

 **ALUCARD: Yes, sugarlips?**

 **THE QUEEN: When you find him, and when you kill him... I want you to record it, so I can fall asleep to it every night.**

Everyone sat together in shocked silence while Cinder's smile turned into a full on shit eating grin. 'That does sound like her' Roman thought looking at her.

 **ALUCARD:** _ **Jesus fucking CHRIST**_ **, I'VE MISSED YOU!**

"As i said before I can see it" Mercury said before being hit in the gut by Emerald.

 **RUSSEL: HEY!**

 **ALUCARD: Oh shut up.**

 **(** _ **Scene: White Fang HQ**_ **)**

 **DOCTOR MERLOT: Ah, Major, I think that vent vell.**

 **ADAM: You** _ **zhink**_ **it vent vell? Herr Doctor, I was there. Und much like our former boss... (** _ **flashback to Sienna being mauled by his subordinates**_ **) ...I killed it!**

"You killed me!" Sienna whirled around and said incredulously to Adam.

"Different universe!?" he yelled though he was already planning to kill her before watching this universe.

 **BLAKE: Let us hope ze Major does not end up ze same! We do not have ze freezer space to store all ze incidental leftovers!**

 **MAJOR: Ah, Doctor, usually it is a faux pas to give a pet as a gift... but** _ **I love him**_ **!**

"A pet?!" Blake said in rage growling at the Adam.

 **DOCTOR MERLOT: Major, I am so sorry for his disrespectful disposition!**

 **BLAKE: (** _ **chuckling**_ **)**

 **MAJOR: Ah, don't vorry. I much enjoy some playful cattiness in my staff.**

 **BLAKE: Nya!**

 **MAJOR: Nonezheless, it is time for phase** _ **two**_ **of our operation: Our fräulein's excursion to ze English Channel!**

 **(** _ **Scene change**_ **)**

 **SOLDIER: Sir! There's an inbound helicopter trying to land!**

 **OFFICER: That seems odd. Commander Violet, do you know-? (** _ **Violet emits an inhuman growl**_ **) ...OH GOD, THAT'S WHY YOU'RE** _ **PURPLE**_ **! (** _ **Violet kills the officer**_ **)**

 **(** _ **Scene change**_ **)**

 **NORA: Zhis is mein favorite kind of ship: Running wis blood und seamen.**

"Wait-what?" Nora stopped and looked at screen before yelling.

"I'M A VILLAIN!" at the top of her lungs forcing the rest the audience to cover their ears.

"Nora it's alright it's another universe" Ren said.

"But that means I have Jaune, I don't want to fight you fearless leader" Nora whined.

"Well think of it like this, we'll see who's stronger you or Jaune" the frown suddenly turned to a grin.

"Is no one going to comment on what Other-Nora said?" Yang asked.

"No" Weiss replied.

 **(** _ **beat**_ **)**

 **VIOLET: What?**

 **NORA: Ze game!**

 **VIOLET: What game?**

 **NORA: You lose! LOL, I'm so random!**

"That's definitely Nora" Jaune said suppressing a sigh.

 **(** _ **beat**_ **)**

 **VIOLET: Uh... so... The ship is now under your command, Miss Valkyrie.**

 **NORA: Ah~, danke schön~, Captain! Tell me, how did it feel slaughtering your kinsmen, turning zhem into ghouls, betraying your family und country... all for ze selfish desire to become an immortal vampire?**

Roman laughed "he must feel like a cunt" he said.

 **(** _ **beat**_ **)**

 **VIOLET: Wow, uh, when you put it like that, I feel like kind of a cunt!**

 **NORA: Oh, but you know what might make you feel better, Captain?**

 **VIOLET: Uh, what's that-?**

 **(** _ **Nora branndishes a shotgun in his face**_ **)**

 **NORA: ...** _ **Checking your privilege**_ **. (** _ **shoots Violet**_ **)**

"Ooh!" the audience said at the backstab did they feel sorry for him, not he was a cunt.

 **(** _ **Scene: London**_ **)**

 **ALUCARD: Ozpin... if I may confide in you...**

"He's going make a dick joke isn't he?" Glynda said.

 **OZPIN: I temper my sense of decency in expectation.**

 **ALUCARD: I am positively** _ **throbbing**_ **over these guys returning!**

"Knew it" Glynda muttered.

 **OZPIN: Well, if it lasts for more than four hours...**

 **ALUCARD: Walter, do you know my top three favorite things I've killed are? Third is the Turks... Second is White Fang... Can you guess the first?**

 **OZPIN: Your father?**

"WHAT!" the audience yelled as commotion sued.

 **ALUCARD: (** _ **claps**_ **) Nailed it!**

 **EVERYONE BE QUIET!** and the theater silent before Ruby "Why would Jaune kill his own father?!"

 **JAUNE'S DAD IN THIS WORLD MAKES RAVEN LOOK LIKE A GOOD PARENT** everyone's eyes widened Raven herself looked shocked.

 **(** _ **Scene change**_ **)**

 **CARDIN: I see! Now it's open season for these heathen swine!**

 **RUSSEL: (** _ **phone**_ **) Cardin, while I mirror your fervor to lay still upon the soulless jowls of the English Church... we have a much bigger foe knocking at our door.**

 **CARDIN: They knock at the door of Hellsing... and as the wolf huffs and puffs, we shall** _ **skewer**_ **these pigs ourselves!**

"Isn't it blow?" Ruby said innocently causing the entire audience to do spit takes.

"What?" Ruby said when everyone's eyes were on her Yang put a hand on her shoulder.

"You don't need to know" she said leaving Ruby.

 **RUSSEL: I do not know the metaphor on which you draw... but regardless, we must set aside the quarrels of our houses, and unite under the banner of God.**

 **CARDIN: Ah, I see! So this... is a** _ **crusade**_ **!**

 **RUSSEL: No, no, no-no-no-no! We don't say that anymore; we're calling it, ah... Damn, what do the American cows say?**

 **CARDIN: "Peacekeeping"?**

 **RUSSEL:** _ **Right**_ **...! Now... shall we,** _ **keep the peace**_ **?**

"I need to find out about "Americans"" Ironwood said something about that name felt weird but he didn't know why.

 **WHITE FANG GRUNTS: FOR WHITE FANG! (** _ **attempt to gun Cardin down, who skewers them all with bayonets**_ **)**

 **CARDIN: (** _ **to himself**_ **) Only until it's time to slide in the knife!**

"Well Cardin seems to be hyped up!" Yang said.

"I can't believe I am saying this, but White Fang should fear Cardin" Weiss said.

 **(** _ **Scene change**_ **)**

 **IRONWOOD: We lost communication with the vessel eighteen hours ago. Currently, it's resting in the Atlantic 300 kilometers off the coast of Pauling.**

 **WEISS: Have you acquired visual via satellite?**

 **OFFICER: Yes, and they've left a rather... cryptic message that we've yet to make any sense of.**

 **(** _ **Satellite picture shows a vessel with "THE CAKE IS A LIE" painted in blood**_ **)**

"Wait- wuh what does that mean?" Weiss said incredulously what type of message is that?

 **WEISS: ...I... I don't get this. I don't get it.**

 **IRONWOOD: None of us know what it means either!**

 **INTEGRA: Is it a reference or something?**

"I know it, it's Portal, it's a Portal reference" Jaune yelled excitedly with his hand pointing at the screen causing the entire room to look at him as he chuckled nervously.

 **OFFICER: Of course, there was one other shot we had, which looks to be someone sitting in the middle with a yellow parasol. Seems a tad random if you ask me.**

 **(** _ **Scene change**_ **)**

 **NORA: Rainbow! Tacos! Doctor Who! Homestuck!**

 **(** _ **Scene change**_ **)**

 **WEISS: This person looks like they're begging for attention...**

 **IRONWOOD: And they're about to** _ **get it**_ **! The Special Air Service has deployed two platoons via helicopter! They'll have visual any moment now.**

 **(** _ **beat**_ **)**

 **OZPIN: Ma'am?**

 **WEISS: Wait for it...**

"What, just because they have vampires mean my men are going to die" Ironwood said.

 **(** _ **beat**_ **)**

 **OPERATOR: We've lost both helis!**

Ironwood grit his teeth in anger how was his military so outmatched in this world.

 **OFFICERS: Hmm?! Oh?!**

 **OPERATOR: And that was Portal, by the way. That's Portal. That's... what it's from...**

 **IRONWOOD: (** _ **whimpering**_ **)**

 **WEISS: Well, this has been fun. Always nice playing audience to this menagerie you call a military... Since it seems like you've got this one on lockdown, I'll leave you to it.**

'My military isn't a menagerie" Ironwood thought.

 **IRONWOOD: Whoa, whoa-whoa-whoa-whoa-whoa-whoa-whoa! Uh, based on new information that has been presented to us, uh, we have decided we... require the Hellsing Organization and their services.**

 **WEISS: You know, it's amazing how much time and people we could save if you'd just ask us in the first place. Ozpin?**

 **(** _ **Ozpin chuckles as he and Weiss leave the room**_ **)**

 **OZPIN: We're talking a hefty game, Sir Weiss. Three hundred kilometers into the Atlantic and they seem to be able to annihilate anything we send at them.**

 **WEISS: And we can't send a submarine; it could be a depth charge showcase down there.**

 **OZPIN: Can't go at it from the sides, can't go at it from below...**

 **WEISS: So our only option is to hit that son of a bitch from above.**

Winter and Ironwood nodded at that statement it was a good strategy.

 **OZPIN: Well, we do have one option... However, it was decommissioned in 1998.**

 **ALUCARD: The Lockheed SR-71 Blackbird... An advanced long-range strategic reconnaissance aircraft capable of Mach 3 and an altitude of 85,000 feet!**

"The Blackbird what's that?" Ruby asked "An aircraft reaching Mach 3, that's impossible!" Winter said.

 **WEISS: You sure do seem to know a lot about it...**

 **ALUCARD: DO YOU EVEN** _ **READ**_ **MY CHRISTMAS LIST?!**

 **(** _ **Scene: Nora sings to the tune 'of**_ _ **"Never Gonna Give You Up" by Rick Astley**_ **)**

 **NORA: A full commitment's what I'm thinking of**

 **You wouldn't get zhis from any ozher guy**

 **(** _ **intercom**_ **) I~ just wanna tell you how I'm feeling**

 **(** _ **intercom**_ **) Gotta make you understand**

 **(** _ **intercom**_ **) Never gonna give you up**

 **-** _ **simutaneously with RvW intercom singing**_ **-**

 **WHITE FANG GRUNT: Ze hell is she singing now?**

"Oh god" Ren said putting his head in his hands.

"What, what's wrong?" Jaune "when Nora first heard this song she wouldn't stop singing it constantly, for a month".

 **WHITE FANG GRUNT: I have no idea; I think it was popular a couple years back.**

 **WHITE FANG GRUNT: At least she is no longer on about ze ponies, and ze friendship,and ze wrapping up of the winter!**

 **-** _ **intercom singing ends**_ **-**  
 **NORA: Never gonna let you down**

 **Never gonna run around and desert you**

 **Never gonna make you cry**

 **Never gonna say goodbye**

 **Never gonna tell a lie, and hurt you**

 **(** _ **music cut-off**_ **)**

 **(** _ **ragged horrified breathing**_ **) IT'S HIM! LIKE ZE MAJOR SAID!**

"Wa-what who's he?" Yang asked.

 **WHITE FANG OFFICER: Uh, mein fräulein Valkyrie, the- the song was nice, so you don't need to-|**

 **NORA: PREPARE FOR COMBAAAT! IT'S ALUCAAAAARD!**

"Oh," Yang said intelligently.

 **WHITE FANG OFFICER: Focus your fire! We are going to tear zhat aircraft apart!**

 **ALUCARD: (** _ **satisfied growl**_ **)**

 **(** _ **Alucard pilots the Blackbird through enemy fire without taking damage**_ **)**

 **NORA: (** _ **thinking**_ **) Zey say no man can kill you, Alucard? Zat's because you don't send a man to do a WOMAN'S job!**

"Oh, god she's one of those types of people" Torchwick said.

 **(** _ **Nora takes the Blackbird down (which explodes) with her shotgun, only for Alucard to immediately reform**_ **)**

 **NORA: VHAT?!**

 **(** _ **Alucard flies straight into the ship, killing all Nazis on-board (bar Nora) and setting the ship on fire; he then stands up in the inferno while a terrified Nora hides elsewhere**_ **)**

 **ALUCARD: So...**

 **NORA: AAH!**

 **(** _ **Both enemies come face-to-face**_ **)**

 **ALUCARD: ...Nice ship you got here.**

"Well I gotta give Allie points for the epic entrance and lines" Yang said.

 **NORA: I- ...I am Nora Valkyrie.. und I COMMAND YOUR RESPECT! (** _ **trains her shotgun on Alucard**_ **)**

 **ALUCARD: No.** _ **You demand my attention**_ **. (** _ **Nora starts firing bullets**_ **) Ow! Oof!**

 **NORA: I don't have to take zis from you...! You** _ **racist**_ **,** _ **cisgendered**_ **,** _ **patriarch-propagating**_ **,** _ **misogynistic**_ _ **PIG**_ **!**

 **(** _ **Alucard deliberately catches a bullet with his teeth, to Nora's shock**_ **)**

"Whoa, he caught it in his mouth!" Nora yelled.

"How strong do you have to be to do that" she asked.

"Really strong" Pyrrha said.

 **ALUCARD: (** _ **garbled**_ **) ...The funny thing is... (** _ **chomps bullet to dust; normal voice**_ **) ...in any other circumstance, you might have had a point there. Except my boss is a woman, I was a chick in the 40s,** _ **I hate everyone equally**_ **, and there's no one alive who could comprehend my sexual preference! So in other words, Miss Valkyrie... CH-CH-CH-CHECK YOUR PRIVILEGE!**

"Oooh, callback to Nora line's" Yang said.

" **(** _ **socks Nora in the jaw**_ **)**

 **NORA: AAH-guahh...! Owuh!**

 **(** _ **Alucard takes the shotgun, then grips Nora by the neck, causing her to choke**_ **)**

 **V-v-vait...! Vhat are you-?!**

 **ALUCARD: (** _ **as he pushes the barrel into Nora's chest**_ **) Oh? Haven't you heard the new sensation sweeping the nation?** _ **You bitches love cannons**_ **. (** _ **fires bullet, causing Nora to emit a blood-curdling scream**_ **)**

"Well-I mean not like that" Ruby stuttered.

 **(** _ **Scene: Lights come on in the White Fang HQ**_ **)**

 **ADAM: Gentlemen... Operation Valkyrie Bait is a rezounding success! Alucard is now** _ **exactly**_ **vhere ve need him to be so we can move forward viss our little...** _ **surprise**_ **.**

"I WAS BAIT!?" Nora yelled, she would of probably pummeled Adam with her fists if not for the rest of JPR trying to hold her down.

 **However, before ve begin our next phase, I vould like to take some time to address a rumor floating around ze fleet... Some of you have come to believe zat I... like... var. I vish to dash zese rumors! I do not** _ **like**_ **var...**

Most of the Audience sighed in relief at those words maybe Adam wasn't as insane as he seemed in this world.

 _ **I**_ **. (** _ **beat**_ **)** _ **Love**_ **. (** _ **beat**_ **)** _ **Var**_ **!**

And in an instant those hopes were dashed.

 **Through my life, I have discovered so** _ **many**_ **forms of war...**

 **You get up in ze morning, you get into your shitty car, und you see a rich CEO, who works half as hard as you do, drive down ze street in his Porsche. Class war!**

 **You make it to vork, und you find out zat ze annual drug test is today, und you** _ **just**_ **so happened to take a puff of your one-hitter a couple nights ago before dinner with your wife's** _ **awful parents**_ **! Drug war.**

 **But zen... you find out zat ze only ones being called in for testing are your black und Hispanic co-vorkers. Race war!**

 **Zen you try und post about it on your Facebook, but zen all your friends start arguing about vat's right und vat's wrong! Flame war.**

 **You finally get home, und you decide to relax by watching a program about: "Who gets ze box?" "What's in ze box?" "How much is vat's in ze box vorth?"** _ **Storage Wars**_ **. Hu-hu-hu-hu-hu... hmm...**

 **Vat I am telling you, my Nazi army of** _ **one sousand vampires**_ **, is that I am a purveyor of war. And wis your help over ze years, ve are now at the precipice of our true goal. You see, I vant a simple var... No class wars, no drug wars, no race wars, no flame wars, und CERTAINLY - no COLD WARS! Blueballed for forty years...**

 **Vat I vant is a var zat only ve can bring. A true... var! A GERMAN... var! The sequel you've all been vaiting for...!**

 **I! WANT! WORLD! WAR!** _ **THREEEE**_ **!**

"World War 3?" Ruby said fearfully Yang's eyes were red with anger while Blake and Weiss looked shocked.

"He said world war 3, just how bad were the other two wars." Winter said.

 **(** _ **Nazi soldiers perform the White Fang salute, then repeat "SIEG HEIL!" ten times**_ **)**

 **(** _ **Several protagonists are shown, with Alucard the last to appear**_ **)**

 **ALUCARD: Hu-hu-he-he-he-he-he-he-he-he-he-he-he-he-he! He-he-he-he-he-he-he-he-ha-ha-ha-ha-ha! AH-HA-HA-HA-HA-HA-HA-HA! AHH-HA-HA-HA-HA-HA-HAA...! (** _ **beat**_ **)** _ **I better not miss a damn thing**_ **.**

"WE BETTER NOT EITHER!" Nora yelled at the top of her lungs the audience agreeing with her.

* * *

 **So! here I am with a new chapter so the reason why i am so late is because i am rewatching the Fate series I just finished Fate Stay Night and now starting UBW so yeah that's the reason why i am so late if you want to please check out another of my stories called Custom Fate Servant Sheets. So please Favorite, follow and review and bye!**


	6. Episode 5:Lay Back and Think of Oblivion

**Nora Valkyrie: Ze following is a fan-based parody. Hellsing Ultimate is owned by Kouta Hirano und Studio Madhouse, und licensed by Geneon, Madman Entertainment, Manga Entertainment, und Funimation. Please support ze official release.**

"Whooo, I'm doing the disclaimer! ~" Nora sang.

"Why is there a disclaimer anyway?" Weiss questioned.

"Who's Kouta Hirano?" Ruby asked.

"I don't think the name relates to color" Pyrrha.

 **OKAY YOU GUYS ARE GOING WAY TO DEEP, MEMORY WIPE!**

Suddenly everyone's of the conversation was forgotten as they remember their objective was to watch the show.

 **MAN: Oh come on love, show us your tits! (gets slapped). Well, she declined. Now, let's get pissed.**

"Well that's sounds like almost every gang in TV" Sun said.

"It seems like no matter the universe, corruption always to seems to invade human hearts" Ozpin said before taking a long sip from his mug. Unbeknownst of him Salem had heard what he said.

'looking down from your tower' Salem thought annoyed.

 **MAN 2: Hey Mate. What's the last thing you thought you'd ever see in the night sky?**

 **MAN: Oh, that's... that's a deep question, man, I—-**

 **MAN 2: No, no, cause it's blimps.**

"The White Fang must making there move!" Ruby shouted.

All the while Adam smiled as the audience looked in growing horror 'Soon these humans will learn what it feels like to be treated as a slave' Adam thought.

 **ADAM: Gentlemen! Ve have made it!** _ **(the White Fang's all cheer)**_ **Alright! Achtung! Achtung!**

 **BANE: Woo-wooooo!**

 **MAJOR: Bane, Bane, bring it down a notch.**

Adam exhaled a sigh before smiling Bane was always excitable especially when talking about culling filthy humans.

 **BANE: Woooo.**

 **ADAM: Now: Herr Doktor, Captain, First Lieutenant, und our fabulous mascot; please, lead us off!**

"I AM NOT A MASCOT!" Blake shouted at Adam.

 **MERLOT: Of course. Everyone, thank-you for coming to the mandatory pre-war seminar. Please open your World War III pamphlets to page 3, as the first two pages merely contain a foreword from Nicholas Cage.**

"Who's Nicholas Cage?" Ruby asked.

"who knows, but if he's associated with the White Fang, he must be some sort of criminal" Weiss said.

 **ADAM: Ve have an exciting itinerary of ze evening events. Tonight, ve annihilate LONDON!**

Ironwood gulped "Just how many people live in London" he asked their host.

 **ABOUT 3,700,000 PEOPLE.**

Almost everyone gasped Adam was going to kill... all those people.

 **WHITE FANG GRUNT: Uh, ALL of London?**

 **ADAM: ALL of London! Buckingham Palace? Laid to vaste. Big Ben? Toppled to ze GROUND!**

 **WHITE FANG GRUNT: Ze House of Parliament?**

 **ADAM: Eradicated.**

 **NAZI GRUNT: Ze Tower of London?**

 **ADAM: OBLITERATED.**

 **MERLOT: Ze Holocaust Museum?**

 **ADAM: Leave zat be. No one vill deny vat ve did.**

"What did they do?" Summer asked.

 **HERE LET ME SHOW YOU**

Suddenly memories not their own flowed into their heads

"Oh, God" Glynda gasped.

Ozpin let go of his mug, shattering on the floor as he was left speechless. He believed humanity was redeemable it was the reason why he tried to bring humanity together with huntsman but now seeing this hell created by humans his ideals were questioned 'Were the Gods wrong to destroy humanity?' he thought.

Ruby had been shaken up by what she had seen. Ugly tears flew down her face as her family tried comforting her. Wiess had been shocked silent by the cruelty shown to humans and the worst part it was almost similar to what Faunus were going through in her Father's mines and that thought horrified even though she sympathized with them she never actually put herself in their shoes if the mines were like this could she really atone for the sins of her Father?

 **WHITE FANG GRUNT: Vat about London Bridge?**

 **ADAM: Ja, Ja, "London Bridge is falling down", ve all know ze song. Look, you be ze first to burn it down, you can go ahead and sing it. I don't care. Of course, speaking of music, ze accompaniment tonight has already been selected via survey! Und I hope you are excited as I aaamm. Ze song tonight is more appropriate for ironic reasons. Ze best reasons! But first... a toast... to ze answer of an age old question.**

 **(Scenes Of citizens being slaughtered by White Fang Grunts as** _ **Edwin Starr's War**_ **plays)**

 **MERLOT: Is it everything you hoped for, Major?**

 **ADAM: Yes, because it means ze destruction of innocent lives.**

"You monster" Weiss told Adam.

In response he started laughing "ahahahaAHAHAHAHA!".

It was bone-chilling more animalistic than human.

"I'm a monster?" he muttered yet his voice could be heard by all "I'M A MONSTER?!"

He shrieked out loud. Then Adam's fingers reach across his mask ever so lightly touching the dried blood of the first human he killed then in a swift motioned pulled it of allowing his eyes to finally be seen. The audience gasped in shocked no more so than Weiss.

"THIS IS WHAT YOU HUMANS DID TO ME!" he screamed pointing to his left eye which had been branded with the mark SDC.

"YOU CALL ME A MONSTER BUT LOOK AT YOU DID TO ME!" he yelled.

"Weiss?" Ruby asked looking at Adam's face.

"I did-didn't know" Weiss said in a shaky voice tears congregating on her eyelids ready to spill over.

"OH YEAH?!" suddenly a voice shouted from the back it was Cardin.

"WELL ANIMALS LIKE YOU DESERVE THAT!" pointing at Adam's eye.

Coco and everyone else growl in rage. Adam suddenly his hand going to his side before realizing he didn't have his blade.

"I'm going to kill you with my bare hands" Adam snarled.

"You want to try bull" Cardin blustered.

Suddenly a force took them both by surprise and force them back into their seats.

 **OKAY, OKAY EVERYONE CALM DOWN WE'RE NOT HERE TO TALK PHILOSPHICAL DUSCUSSIONS. WE'RE HERE TO WATCH A SHOW NOW** _ **WATCH.**_

At his last word a calming aura filled the room as everyone looked back at the and Weiss rubbed the liquid out of her eyes.

 **(Music continues)**

 **ADAM: Induction. Zen Destruction WHO VANTS TO DIE?!**

 **(Music continues over the title screen)**

 **(Scene cuts to the meeting between Weiss and her financial supporters)**

 **IRONWOOD: What do you mean, "He's stuck on the boat"?!**

"They must be talking about Alucard" Winter said.

"Don't they have the blackbird" Ruby asked.

"Remember Nora destroyed it" Jaune said.

" **WEISS: I mean he's stuck on the bloody boat! I need you idiots to send a helicopter after him and retrieve him.**

 **IRONWOOD: Can't he fly with his vampire powers?**

"Where did I get that idea?" Ironwood asked himself.

 **WEISS: What-? ...No- NO, he can't fly with his vampire powers!**

 **IRONWOOD: Then how did he get there?!**

 **WEISS: On the Blackbird we appropriated!**

 **IRONWOOD: You... STOLE the Blackbird?!**

"WHAT!" Weiss shouted.

"Oooh, never thought Ice Princess could steal" Roman said.

"Sh-Shut up!" she replied.

 **WEISS: WOULD YOU JUST SEND THE HELICOPTER?!**

 **IRONWOOD: WE CAN'T! OUR COMMUNICATION'S ARE DOWN!**

"WHAT!" Everyone yelled.

 **WEISS: What?**

 **IRONWOOD: They...have been for the past few hours.**

"Why didn't you say anything before" Weiss asked.

"It seems to me that this version of me isn't as competent as I thought" Ironwood said.

 **WEISS: So you're telling me that... as of this moment...**

 **We have no access to Alucard. Communications with our forces and the outside world are down, and the enemy could very well be KNOCKING AT OUR DOOR?!**

 **(** _ **Door to the room busts open with operatives.)**_

 **REGINALD: Or! Perhaps the enemy was sitting beside you on the round table the whole time!**

"WHAT!".

"TRAITOR!" Nora yelled pointing at the screen.

 **WIESS: Oh, Reggie, this** _ **is**_ **adorable.**

 **REGINALD: SIR! Reginald! Is my name. I have spent the last** _ **five**_ **years of my life, cleaning up after YOUR pet vampire! And now! It is time Sir Reginald is** _ **paid**_ **what he deserves.**

"You know... I get it now" Weiss chuckled.

"Weiss?" Yang said with worry.

"How Jaune feels, just a little bit" Weiss finished.

 **WEISS: (** _ **Amused laughter**_ **) You know... I get it now...**

 **(** _ **Weiss chuckling**_ **)**

 **REGINALD: Get what?**

 **WEISS: (** _ **deep breath**_ **) How Alucard FEELS!**

 **Just a little bit, anyway.**

Weiss blushed a bit when she heard her counterpart say the same thing.

"Oooh, Echo~" Yang said mischeviously.

 **(** _ **Reggie growls**_ **) But I must say, "Sir Reginald," it is QUITE impressive that despite how hilariously amateur this little "coup" of yours is, that you're still managing to hold that gun.**

 **REGINALD: Gurh...! (** _ **Screams of shock**_ **)**

 **OZPIN: Who wants daddy's** _ **belt?**_

"GO OZPIN!" Nora and Ruby shouted together.

"Kick their asses!" Yang hollered.

Ozpin took a long sip from his mug hiding a smile on his face.

 **(** _ **Operatives yell and open fire on**_ **Walter** _ **with no affect**_ **)**

 **IRONWOOD: (G** _ **runts in surprise**_ **)**

 **OZPIN: Now think about what you've done.**

 **(** _ **Conference in mixed groans of relief and shock**_ **)**

 **WEISS: So, Sir Ironwood, Are you alright?**

 **IRON: Well... Reginald was actually... my brother-in-law. So... Currently... Processing that...**

"Oh, oh" Ironwood realized.

"Do you have a brother-in-law named Reggie?" Winter asked

"No, I don't think so" Ironwood responded.

 **(** _ **Roar of alarms**_ **)**

 **OFFICER: Communications are back up! Everything is on fire!**

"ON FIRE!" Ironwood screamed.

"What's going on?" Pyrrha asked.

 **OFFICER2: London Bridge is falling down!**

 **IRONWOOD: Falling down?!**

 **OFFICER2: Falling down!**

 **IRONWOOD: London Bridge is falling down...! My fair lady! What should we do?!**

"You know for some reason that sounded like a rhyme" Emerald said.

"Didn't Adam say something about a rhyme?" Mercury.

"You two, shut up I want to watch" Cinder said.

 **WEISS: We have to evacuate immediately! Sir Ironwood, You could ride with me. The rest of you, carpool.**

 **IRONWODD: No. I'm not going anywhere. I know I'm... not much of a man. I've had a silver spoon in my mouth since the day I was born. This position... It's not suitable for a meek gentlemen like myself. But I'll be damned, I say, if I tuck my tail in between my legs at the first sign of peril! I THANK YOU FOR YOUR SERVICE SIR WEISS! BUT I-!**

 **WEISS: (** _ **Hands a gun**_ **) Here's a gun; there are twelve holy bullets. Save one for yourself. (** _ **Walks out of conference room with Ozpin**_ **)**

"Damn talk about cold, right Neo?" Torchwick said looking at his tiny partner in crime who nodded her head in agreement.

 **Ozpin?**

 **OZPIN: Yes, Sir Weiss?**

 **WEISS: Ready the car. We've got a war to win.**

"Go Weiss!" Ruby said cutely the show taking her mind off dark topics momentarily.

 **(** _ **General din of battle**_ **)**

 **ADAM: Ah, yes. Buckingham Palace is burning. Und so are my loins~!**

"YES!" Adam said in agreement before Sienna wacked his head "Shut up, you stupid bull" she said.

"Uh, too much information" Yang said disgusted.

 **ILIA: AHEM!**

 **ADAM: Ah! First Lieutenant former Olympic body builder Ilia Amolita. Sorry, I was understandably caught up in ze moment.**

Blake perked up 'Ilia was in this?'.

"You know the chick?" Qrow drawled.

"She's a... friend" Blake replied.

"Uh" was all Qrow said as he layed into his recliner.

 **ILIA: You finally have orders for me, Major?**

 **ADAM: Ah, indeed, my dear Ilia! You have a very SPECIFIC target.**

 **ILIA: Where shall my scythe be pointed?**

 **ADAM:** _ **Ze Hellsing Organization Headquarters.**_

"Oh no" Weiss muttered.

 **ILIA: Yes...!**

 **ADAM: Und you...**

 **ILIA: (** _ **Increased excitement**_ **) Yes~!**

 **ADAM: ...Shall provide reconnaissance.**

"Oooh, cockblocked" Coco said.

 **ILIA: (** _ **Drops cigarette in shock and screams in frustration)**_

 **ADAM: Okay, Ilia! Ilia! I need you to bring it back for me: take a deep breath... Contain... ze calamity... zat is your mammaries.**

"Really?" Winter asked rhetorically at the bad joke.

 **ILIA: (** _ **Poorly contained White Fang rage**_ **)**

 **ILIA:** _ **[Grunts furiously]**_

 **ADAM: There is no-vone more eager to see them bleed than I, but ve must be careful. Sir Integra Fairbrook Vingates Hellsing - any voman who commands the respect of a beast such as Alucard is not to be trifled vis. Fantasized of on a lonely Saturday night vis a bottle of Chardonnay - most certainly. But not trifled with.**

Wiess made haughty noise and straighten her back trying to look more imposing.

 **ILIA: But she is just vone voman!**

 **ADAM: Und a girl. A police girl. Ze only living vampire sired by Alucard himself. Vhy? Is it her skill? Her unpredictable nature, ze big titties? Maybe, who knows. But I do not gamble vis maybes. You vill act as ze vanguard and survey their forces, are ve clear?**

Ruby blushed and tried to hide in her cloak when she heard how Adam described her.

 **ILIA:** _ **[unenthusiastically]**_ **Transparently.**

"Hey, is your friend really this... bloodthirsty?" Yang asked Blake pausing to try find a good word to describe Ilia.

"No" Blake said flatly.

 **ADAM: Wunderbar! Now, speaking of vich-** _ **[over the radio]**_ **Sergeant Klaus - have you spotted Frau Hellsing?**

 **SARGE: Ja Major. Driving past Primrose Hill.**

 **ADAM: Is it on fire?**

 **SARGE: It could be more on fire.**

"Oh no Weiss please don't die!" Ruby yell as hugged her second best-friend.

"Ugh-I'm not died yet you dolt!" Wiess yelled back trying to escape Ruby's bearhug. The action brought a smile to family and friend.

 _ **[Ozpin and Sir Weiss drive down a street. Wiess surveys the butchered corpses outside]**_

 **WEISS: Ugh... UGH!**

"Ugh-that's disgusting!" Guess who said that.

 **IRONWOOD (over radio): Attention... anyone listening... I'm not sure if I'm using this correctly. [Ozpin adjusts the radio's tuning until Ironwood comes across clearer] It's been ten years since I've had to operate an analog radio. I am Sir Ironwood, Vice-Admiral of the British Security Council.**

"So, the reason for most of my incompetence is my age?" Ironwood said. It's kind of made he obviously wouldn't be good as he was now in ten years.

 _ **[Sir Ironwood sits in the blood-soaked remains of the Security Council room, speaking into the radio's microphone]**_

 **IRONWOOD: I know things seem bleak to those who are still alive, but stay on. We are still fighting; each and everyone one of us. We shall defend Queen and Country against this decades-old barbarism!**

"Excellent speech" Winter said courteously politely clapping at the performance.

"Thank you, Winter," Ironwood replied.

 _ **[Council Room door gets blasted open, and White Fang soldiers storm in]**_

 **CHURCH:** _ **[laughs]**_ **How valiant of you Sir Penwood, defending your post down to ze last man.**

 **IRONWOOD: Ah, but that's where I must rebuke you, because where you see one man, I see four...**

"See four?" most of the audience said not understanding until Ironwood shouted.

"C4!" he yelled eyes wide with recongnition.

 **CHURCH: "See four?" Ack!** _ **[looks around and sees dozens of C4 explosives planted around the room]**_ **Ahhhhhhh...**

 **IRONWOOD: When you get to hell, tell em' Ironwood sent you, and then apologize on behalf for the inconvenience.** _ **[Blows up the C4]**_

The audience looked in shock at Ironwood's sacrifice and epic one-liner. Ironwood himself raised his hand in a salute, Winter herself quickly followed her lead as the rest of the audience quickly followed. Even Torchwick took of his hat for him if only for that epic send-off.

 _ **[Radio gets cut off, Sir Weiss sits silently in the back]**_

 **WEISS: Ozpin?**

 **OZPIN: Yes Ma'am?**

 **WEISS: Sir Ironwood was a...** _ **[gets cut off by a collision with a ghoul]**_ _ **SON OF A BITCH!**_

"Really?" Ironwood he wasn't offended just weirded out by the sudden change in tone.

Winter however was giving Weiss a wolf glare promising pain and torment at her hands, utterly terrifying her and her compatriots.

 **OZPIN: Sir Weiss, we have a problem.**

 **WEISS: Oh my God, the road is on fire.**

 **OZPIN: Unfortunately, that's not the worst of it.**

 _ **[The Captain appears]**_

"Wait a minute?" Blake said recognizing the captain.

"Is that Sun?" she yelled.

 **OZPIN: If you will excuse me, I have to meet with an old friend. You need to take the car and make your way to the HQ on your own. I believe in you Ma'am.**

 **WEISS: Ozpin, there's something I want you to know.**

 **OZPIN: This is no time for goodbyes Sir Weiss.**

 **WEISS: No... I... I don't know how to drive. You have driven me literally everywhere since I was ten.**

"WHAT?!" RWBY yelled.

"You ruined a perfectly good moment with that?!" yang asked.

 **OZPIN: Oh? Well, perfect time to learn.**

 **WEISS: You come back to me... no matter what. Understood?**

 **OZPIN: Understood Ma'am** _ **[stretches glove]**_

 **WEISS: Now which one's the clu...** _ **[the car tears away, barely under control]**_ **OK, WE'RE DRIVING!**

"Weiss you're not supposed to press on the accelerator the hard" Winter told her.

 _ **[Both Ozpin and Sun exchange grunts. Ozpin attacks Sun with his strings, they are, however, caught by Sun]**_

 **OZPIN: Oh brilliant! You haven't aged a day!**

"I don't think that's supposed be good?" Ruby asked.

Yang sighed "It's sarcasm Ruby" she told her.

 _ **[The**_ **Deus Ex Machina** _ **flies overhead, broadcasting Adam over the loudspeakers]**_

 **ADAM: Ah yes, ve have aged like fine vine. You, on ze other hand, have aged like milk; spoilt, sour, und ruining my meal. But don't get me wrong, it's still splendid to see you! Let's have a heart to heart!**

 **WEISS:** _ **[Driving recklessly]**_ **Ah shit! Fuck! Ah SHIT!**

 **TUCKER:** _ **[Pursuing Weiss]**_ **There she is! Caboose, tell her to pull over!**

 _ **[Music plays in Sir Wiess's car]**_

 **CABOOSE: Guten Abend, could you please pull over?** _ **[Gets hit by the car]**_

"Did they actually think that would work?" Weiss said with a tick in her eye.

 **TUCKER: Vell, she declined. Panzerfaust!** _ **[Fires panzerfaust]**_

Yang giggled "Call back to the beginning" she exclaimed.

 **WEISS:** _ **[Continues driving while avoiding fire]**_ **YOU'VE! GOT! TO! BE! SHIT! -TING! ME!**

"Wow, I don't know if you're a really good driver or really bad one" Yang told Weiss.

 _ **[Car crashes into a wall]**_

"Welp, you're a really bad driver" Yang finished while Weiss looked bashful.

 **GRIF:** _ **[jumps onto the car]**_ **Whooo!** _ **[gets head sliced off by Weiss]**_

 **SIMMONS: Grif?! Nein! And he was having such a good day! He even got to burn down London Bridge! Sing the song. Everything!**

"Well then he got what he deserved" Oscar said.

 **WEISS: Congratulations.** _ **[Pulls out a cigarette and stomps on head]**_ **It took an entire squadron of inhuman, nigh-immortal, fake vampires to hunt down and corner a 22-year old woman.**

 **SARGE: Zat's a woman?**

 **FLOWERS: She's 22?**

Weiss felt her anger grow at those words just because she's flat doesn't mean she isn't a 'woman'.

 **WEISS:** _ **[blows smoke]**_ **I hope it's everything you dreamed of. So how about it then?** _ **[Pulls out sword]**_ **Come and get the first real fight you've had in 50 years, you dickless cowards!**

"GO WEISS" the teams cheered her on.

 **O'MALLEY: I'LL STAB YOU IN ZE FUCKING FA-** _ **[stabbed by a dozen bayonets and then explodes]**_

"Wait? are those bayonets?" Weiss yelled.

"Then that means" Ruby realized as her eyes widened.

 _ **[Bible pages fall to the ground and Cardin appears]**_

"CARDIN!" RWBY yelled.

"Never have I felt so happy Cardin appeared" Jaune said sighing in relief.

 **FANG: God's Assassin...**

 **ANOTHER FANG: Saint Guillotine...**

 **THIRD FANG: Ze Angel's Dust...**

 **FOURTH FANG: Judas Priest...**

 **FIFTH FANG: Wait, like ze band?**

 **SIXTH FANG: Zey ver named after him!**

"Wow, that's a lot of names" Yang said.

"How did he get a band named after him" Coco said with jealousy.

 **CARDIN: By Jove, you fucking hedder of a woman! Surrounded by fifty vampire Nazis armed literally to the teeth, and what do you do!? You get out of your fucking car, pull out your sword, cut off one of their heads and yell, "come at me, you kraut shits!" No wonder Alucard wants to plow that virgin soil. I'm thinking about growing some flowers myself! Ha, ha, ha, ha.**

"Ugh, never in your life" Weiss told disgusted.

 **WEISS: Cardin Winchester. To what do I owe the unexpected pleasure?**

 **CARDIN: Ah, you know, just out and about with me posse.**

"Posse?" the teams echoed.

 **WEISS: Posse?**

 _ **[Weiss looks up, seeing countless Iscariot agents on the roof above]**_

 **Anderson: And look! Y'know how your pet vampire has got his own pet vampire? Well, that got me thinking, so I acquired some learned youngsters m'self! Two of 'em! Which is twice as good! And here's the real kicker, one's Japanese, and the other one's fuckin' German! Ain't that topical?! I just need an Italian one and I've got me an axis of righteousness. Velvet! Say something in moonspeak!**

"What, why are we working with him?!" Coco pointed accusingly at the screen.

"What does he mean by axis of righteousness?" Ren asked rhetorically.

 **VELVET: Hai.**

 **CARDIN: Ha, ha! And the German's one, Coco. She shoots things; it's great.**

 **COCO: Pop-Pop, watchin' heathens drop.**

"Well, that does sound like you" Velvet told Coco.

Coco layed back in her recliner pouting.

 **FANG: Ze Iscariots? Ve're not scared of you! Look at you, you don't even know how to use a bayonet! It goes on ze gun, idiot!**

 **CARDIN: Now, if you'll excuse us, you English cow, it's time for the Iscariots to do your job for ya, and put these soulless bodies where they belong... In the ground, in case you didn't take-**

 _ **[A Fang rushes towards Cardin, but is swiftly cut down and killed]**_

 **CARDIN: ...In case you didn't take me meaning.**

"I AM NOT A COW!" Weiss yelled.

 **FAN: Kill zem!**

 _ **[The White Fang group begins their attack, rushing at the Iscariots as Dropkick Murphey's**_ **I'm Shipping Up To Boston** _ **begins to play]**_

 **CARDIN: Who are we!?**

 **ISCARIOTS: The necessary evil!**

 **CARDIN: Why are we necessary?!**

 **ISCARIOTS: To purge the world of evil worse than man!**

 **CARDIN: And why are we God's chosen few, ordained to undertake this unholy task!?**

 **ISCARIOTS: Because no one else will!**

 **CARDIN:** _ **[Crosses blades]**_ **AND BECAUSE IT'S FUCKIN' FUN!** _ **[Laughs maniacally]**_ **AMEN!**

"Okay I have to give credit that was a badass speech" Yang said.

"Not as good as Ironwood's" Winter rebutted

 _ **[The Iscariots and Cardin begin battle with the White Fang, before a large pool of blood splatters onto the wall, which then displays the logo for Hellsing Ultimate Abridged]**_

 _ **[Cut back to the burned out ruins of the HMS Eagle, after Alucard crashed onto the boat and killed Nora Valkyrie. He walks to the edge of the boat, and sniffs the air]**_  
"It''s Jauney!" Nora yelled excitedly even though she died by his hand.

 **Alucard: ...Something's burning.**

"... Pfhhh, way to state the obvious" Mercury said.

"What does that mean he smelled London burning down from the ship?" Russel said.

"Nah, the ship was burning too" Cardin replied.

"I'm surprised the thing is floating" Ironwood said.

* * *

 **This is a reupload since the last chapter was cut off**

 **Thank you: Morocko**

 **Zeroth17**

 **TheDistur6edGuy**

 **Ren Woods**

 **Kuroyuki-Kokuyoku**

 **for giving me the manuscripts for the rest of the episodes.**

 **Also regarding Anderson's comment about having an axis of righteousness he has Yumie and Heinkel but he also has Maxwell who is italian... I think, but that means he does have a axis of righteousness I wonder if it's a little easter egg Kouta Hirano and Teamfourstar put.**

 **Thank you for reading this and please favorite, follow and review and see you next time Bye!**


	7. Episode 6: Jour de Colère

**OSCAR: Ze following is a fan-based parody. Hellsing Ultimate is owned by Kouta Hirano and Studio Madhouse, and is licenced by Geneon, Madman Entertainment, Manga Entertainment, and Funimation. Please support ze official release.**

"Huh so I'm doing the disclaimer now" Oscar exclaimed.

 **FANG: Please, no! I'll worship your Go-**

 **CARDIN:** _ **[kills him with his bayonet]**_ **Ha...!**

"Cardin, I think you're having too much fun killing them" Yang said apprehensively.

 **COCO: I zhink zat was ze last one. Good zhing, too. I fear you're running out of bayonets.**

 **CARDIN: Care to correct yourself?**

 **COCO:** _ **[empties guns]**_ **S-sorry, sir! You have bayonets for days!**

 **CARDIN: Bayonets for days.**

"Oh, come on! How is he intimidating me!?" Coco roused.

"Probably because I'm a badass" Cardin replied.

Coco looked back at Cardin.

"You are not a badass" she said.

"This me is" He said pointing at the screen.

 **SKY LARK: Father Cardin, I believe I speak for all of us when I ask: Why did we go out of our way to save this...** _ **[camera points at Weiss]**_ **Erh...**

"Woman" Weiss said while Yang tried to hide her giggling to herself.

 **WEISS: Woman.**

 **SKY: I didn't want to assume.**

 **WEISS: I was actually wondering that myself. Alucard would have left Russel to die. Probably after putting a bullet in his leg.**

"That does sound like him" She said.

 **CARDIN: I am a man of three things: God, virtue, and disobeying that tramp Russel when it suits me! And if I'd let the woman die, I'd have been none of the three!**

"Oh god, that means... he's just like Jaune" Weiss said facepalming.

 **WEISS: Wait, so... you just defy your master's orders on a whim?**

 **CARDIN:** _ **[cheerfully]**_ **Aye!**

 **WEISS: ...Good God, it's strange to see this from the outside.**

"It really is" Weiss said answering her counterpart.

 _ **[series logo appears, behind it flies a zeppelin and a scene goes to the bridge/command center inside]**_

 **CAPTAIN: Lieutenant Ilia Amolita, ve are just outside ze Hellsing perimeter. Ve shall maintain zhis position as ve observe-** _ **[interrupted by Ilia]**_

 **ILIA: No! All hands to battle stations.**

 **CAPTAIN: But... Ma'am... Our orders-**

 **Zorin: I have been vaiting for zhis var for over fifty years. I have been given veapons, men, AND a target. I vill not be cockblocked to the point of entry by that little red toad! I... no, VE vill get vhat ve have coming to us. Now Captain, launch ze V-1s!**

"Wow, she really wants to fight" Yang said.

"Say the punch-happy girl" Blake snarked.

"Hey, I have limits" Yang told back offended.

 **CAPTAIN:** _ **[with a dramatic delay]**_ **Yes ma'am!** _ **[launches the V-1s]**_

 _ **[V-1s get shot and explode]**_

"Holy shit" Coco said.

"What happened?" Jaune asked

 **ILIA:** _ **[shocked, cigarette falls out of her mouth]**_ **Status report! ANYONE!**

 **HELMSMAN: Vell, uh, ze V-1s launched. And zhen zey blew up! But not vhere zhey were supposed to! Like, vay too soon!**

 **ILIA: I CAN SEE ZAT! VHY!?**

 **CAPTAIN: Reports say it's sniper fire!**

"That's impossible! No gun can shoot that far!" Winter shouted. "The only way they could shoot that far is if they had a cannon." Ironwood said.

 **ILIA: Kilometers avay? YOU ARE USELESS! GET ME A FUCKING VISUAL!**

 _ **[Searchlights shown over the Hellsing HQ and the zeppelin crew react shocked at the sight of Ruby and her Harkonnen II]**_

Ironwood stammered in disbelief as WBY stared in shocked silence while Ruby talked animately describing every part of the cannon.

 **ILIA:** _ **[lets out a frustration grunt]**_

 _ **[The camera changes to the Hellsing control room, where Oscar is sitting and smoking a cigarette]**_

 **OSCAR: Twenty four out of twenty four, ma chère. You must be a bane to clay pigeons everywhere.**

 **RUBY: Actually, if you wouldn't mind Mr. Pines, my name is Ruby Rose.**

 **RUBY: How peculiar! I was under ze impression by ze rest of ze staff zat your name was "** _ **Police Girl.**_ **"**

Ruby's face took on an interesting shade of red while Oscar stammered for an apology.

 **RUBY:** _ **[brief pause]**_ **You know what?** _ **[sighs]**_ **Fine, "Ma chère" it is. Just pay attention for any possible incoming-**

 **OSCAR: So, ma chère, tell me a little bit about yourself.**

 **RUBY: Y-You're serious...**

"There is a time for socializing, this isn't it" Winter admonished.

 **OSCAR: Come now, we know so** _ **little**_ **about one another. And let's be honest, zis may be ze last chance we get to share. So ma chère, what is it like growing up in England?**

 _ **[Ruby gets flashbacks of the brutal murder of her parents]**_

 **RUBY:** _ **[bluntly]**_ **I grew up in Leeds...** _ **Nothing**_ **happened.**

"What the hell! Something happened, what were those flashbacks" Taiyang yelled.

 **OSCAR: Sounds boring.**

 **RUBY: YES... it was.** _ **[sighs]**_ **How about you?**

 **OSCAR: Oh, ummm, in ze french countryside, with my-**

 _ **[Flashback to a cottage in the woods.]**_

 **YOUNG OSCAR: Grand-père... Is it true?** _ **[sobs]**_ **Is it true what the children in school say? Zat you are mercenary? Zat you** _ **kill**_ **people?**

"What? Is your grandfather really a mercenary?" Ironwood asked.

"No, at least I don't think so?" Oscar told him, unsure.

 **OSCAR'S GRAND-PERE: Oh, little Pip. It is much more zhan "killing people". It has many complicated facets. I once helped topple a fascist Souz African government in a week. I mean, it was replaced by anozer in two, but I still got paid.**

"Emerald, Mercury I want you two to find this man if he is a mercenary as good as this version of him, I want to see if we can get him to work with us" Cinder told her lackeys.

 **YOUNG OSCAR: But Grand-père! My fellow school children only taunt and bully me for it!**

"What, but he should be the coolest kid in school?" Yang asked, how is having a mercenary for a grandfather not cool?

 **GRAND-PERE: Wait, quoi? How are you not ze coolest kid in school? Who is it who dares to mock you? Is it zat son of ze butcher, Jean Paul? Perhaps zat little piggy shall find a grenade in his lunch box, so when he opens it, it pulls ze pin.**

"What! Don't go that far!" Weiss yelled.

"At least it shows he loves him" Ruby said sheepishly.

 **YOUNG OSCAR: Please do not kill my friends...**

 **GRAND-PERE: Oh, mon cher petit-fils~** _ **I'm**_ **not going to do it.**

"Oh my god!" Ruby yelled.

"He shouldn't have kids use grenades!" Ironwood yelled.

 **YOUNG OSCAR: ...Quoi?**

 _ **[Back to the present day,]**_

 **RUBY: Oh my god!**

"That's what I said" Ruby said.

 **OSCAR: Oh, relax! It was a flash bang! A little bit of tinnitus never hurt anyone. Now, how about** _ **zese**_ **Fang fucks?**

The audience sighed in relief at least he didn't actually kill the kid.

 **RUBY: Well, I've got a couple of grenades for them. They ain't flashbangs, though.**

 **OSCAR: Ah, but zey'll flash and zey'll bang, just how I like it. Now, give zem a proper Hellsing welcome.**

 **RUBY: So, a mountain of over-the-top violence, swearing and unnecessary screaming?**

"Yeah!" Yang and Nora yelled pumping their fists.

 **OSCAR: Exactement.**

 **RUBY: OUI FUCKING MONSIEUR!**

"GO RUBY!" team RWBY AND JNPR chanted together.

 _ **[Yuri Temirkanov's "Dies Irae" starts playing]**_

 **OSCAR: OPEN FIRE!**

 _ **[With a savage scream, Ruby peppers the zeppelin with AA rounds, killing several workers on board]**_

 **HELMSMAN: Ve are being shredded lieutenant!**

 **ILIA: Tell me somezhing new!**

 _ **[Ruby destroys two of the zeppelin's engines]**_

 **HELMSMAN: Vell, ve just lost two engines!**

"Oooh, well things are not looking good for them" Yang said with mock pity.

"Well they shouldn't have messed with me" Weiss said.

 **ILIA: CUNT!**

 **CAPTAIN: Ma'am, ve can't keep taking this kind of damage! We're going to crash!**

 **ILIA: Zen give me ramming speed captain,** _ **right**_ **into zat bitch!**

"HEY!" Ruby's family yelled including Ruby.

 **CAPTAIN:** _ **Vich**_ **bitch lieutenant?**

 **ILIA: Zat bitch with the** _ **CANNONS!**_

 _ **[The zeppelin heads straight at Ruby]**_

 **OSCAR: Alright ma chère, how bout you flash zem ze goods?**

The audience spit-taked at his words "WHAT!" Ruby covering her chest.

 _ **[Ruby lifts up her guns to show two grenades attached before firing them hitting the zeppelin, which then proceeds to fall out the air and crash]**_

"Oh, that's what he meant" Yang realized as Ruby excitedly shouted about.

 **ILIA:** _ **[Screaming in anger as the zeppelin crashes]**_ **CUNT!**

"That's what you you get bitch!" yang roared victoriously.

 **OSCAR: And zat, is how ze cookie fumbles.**

"Isn't it crumbles" Ruby asked.

 **RUBY: It's "crumbles".**

 **OSCAR: Oh~, like England.**

"That's insensitive!" Goodwitch yelled.

 **Police Girl: Can you...** _ **not**_ **right now?**

 **OSCAR: I am French, so... no.**

"What does race have to do with anything?" Ironwood asked.

 **MERCER: Holy shit, guys! I think we killed them all!**

 **HERBERT:** _ **[looking through binoculars]**_ **Hey Mercer, try not to choke on your fucking foot!**

 _ **[The White Fang Vampires are seen climbing out of the rubble led by Ilia]**_

 **OSCAR: Quick reminder to everyone on the ground floor... zese are vampires. Much like ma chère, zey won't go down zat easy. And a night on ze town and a little bit of wine won't woo zem over. You will have to show zem zat you care. Make zem feel like zey're ze only thing zat exists to you in zhis world. And zen, when zey finally open zeir legs... give zem** _ **everyzing**_ **, and leave** _ **nothing**_ **.**

Yang giggled perversely while Ruby gaped "Oh god he's Yang!".

"No... he's even worse" Weiss said with horror.

 **ILIA: Vat's our head count?!**

 **WHITE FANG SERGEANT: Eins, zwei, drei... a-a lot, a lot, zere's a lot.**

 **ILIA: Good. Zen your orders... are to SLAUGHTER THEM ALL!**

 _ **[The White Fang Vampires charge towards the Hellsing HQ.]**_

 **RUBY: Should I hold my position Mr. Pine?**

 **OSCAR: No ma chère, you've already been on top, now give us a turn.**

Yang let some more perverse giggling as Weiss rolled her eyes.

 _ **[The White Fang Vampires continue running towards Hellsing HQ when one of them steps on a landmine.]**_

 **WHITE FANG VAMPIRE 1: Oh, landmines...** _ **[beeping]**_ **Oh! LANDMI-** _ **[landmine explodes]**_

 _ **[Several other White Fang Vampires are blown up by landmines whilst screaming**_ **"Landmines!"** _ **]**_

"Wow you think they would stop after the first one exploded" Taiyang said.

"I don't think they can look how fast there moving" Summer.

 **WHITE FANG VAMPIRE 2: Holy Shit! They planted landmines!**

 **OSCAR: Oh, zey found the landmines.**

 **RUBY:** _ **[shocked]**_ **Oh my God, they planted landmines?! We walk our dogs out there!**

"WHAT!" Ruby yelled.

"Those poor dogs" Weiss said.

 **WHITE FANG VAMPIRE 2: Okay, ve have to stay calm!** _ **Nobody**_ **move a inch! Ve vait for Ilia, we'll pull back...**

 _ **[One of the Wild Geese presses of detonator, causing several planted explosives to detonate in slow motion with grapeshot.]**_

"Did they actually think that would work?" Ironwood asked.

"Well, they don't seem very smart" Winter said.

 **WHITE FANG VAMPIRE 2:** _ **[slowed down]**_ **And ve'll- OH SHI-!**

 _ **[Several more vampires get splattered by the grapeshot debris.]**_

 **OSCAR: Alright men, you know ze drill: If it moves, it dies. If it dies, you move on. Keep zose grenades coming, keep ze bullets raining, and most importantly... have fun. I'm going to have a smoke.** _ **[Pulls out a lighter.]**_

 **WILLINGHAM: No offence sir, but you're being awfully casual about this. I mean, as casual as** _ **usual**_ **, but aren't we dealing with Bram Stoker meets Castle Wolfenstein shit here?**

"That's true, it just seems am being a bit casual about this" Oscar said.

 **OSCAR: Honestly Willingham, we were prepared for a full-on tactical assault. Instead we got a volley of swastika-covered dipshits running dick-first into enemy territory.**

 **WILLINGHAM: Still kinda crazy thought, isn't it?**

 **OSCAR: Oh oui. If you told me two years ago when we were either starting or ending a war in ze Middle East, zat we'd end up fighting** _ **White Fang Vampires**_ **, I'd have kissed you full on ze mouth! But now, all I feel is robbed.** _ **[Closes lighter.]**_

 **WILLINGHAM: Well, if it make you feel any better, there's a giant woman outside.**

"What?" Qrow said thinking he drank too much beer.

 **OSCAR: ...Quoi?**

 _ **[Mega Ilia is seen materialising into a giant and laughing maniacally, while everyone inside the Hellsing mansion is frozen with fear, Oscar runs out of the control room to the hall.]**_

"HOLY SHIT!" Yang screamed.

"Can she do that in our world" Yang asked Blake

"NO!" Blake yelled eyes wide with fear and confusion.

 **OSCAR: SAINTE PUTAINE DE MERDE!**

 **MERCER: What?!**

 **RUBY: HOLY FUCKING SHIT!**

 **OSCAR: What she said!**

 **MEGA ILIA: Peekaboo~! I'LL KILL YOU~!**

 _ **[Ilia slices through the mansion with her scythe while everyone inside screams and runs in fear.]**_

 **OSCAR: I want to go back to ze Middle East...**

 _ **[Ilia slices once again through the mansion.]**_

"Oh my god" Ruby muttered staring at scene with wide eyes.

 **ERHOLTZ: SHE'S GONNA KILL US ALL!**

 **MERCER: FUCKING... DEMON... BITCH!**

 **HEBERT: Oh.. Tscch... I lost an arm...**

"How is he not screaming in pain?" Wiess asked.

"Probably adrenaline" Ironwood said.

 _ **[Ruby falls to her knees in utter despair.]**_

 **RUBY:** _ **[thinking]**_ **We're gonna die... To a giant German Nazi vampire woman with a scythe... That screaming homeless man on the train was right!**

"Wait, what" Yang and Ruby were taken aback.

 _ **[Cue in: The Crimson Fucker.]**_

"It's Jaune!" Nora yelled.

"Yeah, but how am I speaking with her" Jaune asked himself inquisitively.

"Using his vampire powers!" Nora answered him.

"B-but he has so many abilities already!" Weiss said.

 **ALUCARD: Hahahahaha! You're** _ **kidding**_ **me, right?! This basic bitch has you believing she's a giant.**

"Wa-what does he mean by that?" Ruby said.

In the back a green haired girl was deep in thought before realizing the answer.

"It's an illusion!" Emerald yelled out.

As shock and realization went through the audience Ironwood yelled "So that's why the man who got his hand cut off wasn't hurt!".

 **RUBY: Master? Where-**

 **ALUCARD: On a boat in the middle of, uh... The fucking, I don't know, Atlantic? Eh, fuck it, the ocean. Anyways, you need to whip out that third eye of yours and-**

"Third eye but I don't have a third eye?" Ruby said.

"In some religion's it thought that the third eye is the eye of the mind" Ozpin answered sipping his mug.

 **RUBY: But... Master, I-I only have two eyes.**

 **ALUCARD: No, you have** _ **three**_ **eyes. You're a vampire.**

 **RUBY: Do** _ **you**_ **have three eyes?**

 **ALUCARD: Sweetheart, I've got** _ **so**_ **many eyes. Eyes for days.**

 **RUBY: Eyes for days?**

"Heh, callback to Cardin's lines" Yang said.

"Only now am realizing the similarities with this Cardin and Jaune" Blake said.

 **ALUCARD: Eyes for days. Now, look past your own self...**

 **RUBY: Eh.. How, eh...**

 **ALUCARD: OH MY GOD, GO CROSSEYED, JESUS!**

 _ **[Ruby follows orders and escapes Ilia's illusion.]**_

"Hehehe, Oh my god Ruby your face and the derpy sound hahaha!" Yang Luaghed while Ruby looked bashfully from underneath her cloak.

 **ERHOLTZ: PLEASE DON'T STICK ME IN YOUR GIANT VAGINA!**

"What the fuck!?" Yang said as Taiyang and Summer glared at her.

 **MERCER: DUDE, WHAT THE FUCK?!**

 **HEBERT: Welp, high-fives are gonna suck now...** _ **[grunts]**_

 **RUBY:** _ **[looking at everyone still hypnotised]**_ **Hold on... Did she- Aw, come on!**

Emerald had to give this Ilia credit creating such a life-like illusion against multiple people was something even she couldn't do.

 **OSCAR: Open ze doors of hell for me, Grand-père. I'm coming home.**

"Aren't you being a bit dramatic Oscar?" Pyrrha asked the boy.

"Well, I don't know this is an illusion" Oscar replied.

 **RUBY:** _ **[whilst taking her rifle off the floor]**_ **Oh for Christ's sake.**

 _ **[Ruby points the rifle out a window and uses her vampire vision to shoot the real Ilia, grazing her cheek.]**_

 **ILIA: Augh! My face, you CUNT!**

 **RUBY: You** _ **cunt**_ **touch this!**

"Okay, that was a good joke" Yang congratulated Ruby.

 **MEGA ILIA:** _ **[lets out an angry growl as she disappears]**_

 _ **[The Wild Geese slowly come out of the illusion and get a hold on themselves... Kinda.]**_

 **HEBERT: Holy shit, my arm's back!**

 **ERHOLTZ: Oh, thank God! I thought she was going to crush me... With her giant vagina!**

"On god, what does his internet history look like?!" Yang said disgusted.

 **MERCER: Okay, what does your Internet history look like?!**

 **RUBY:** _ **[shaking Oscar]**_ **Mister Pine! It was just an illusion, like push-up bras or stilettos!**

 **OSCAR: Wait! You wear a push-up bra?**

"Out of that entire sentence that's what he focuses on?" Weiss said haughtily.

 **RUBY: I don't wear a bra.**

There was a momentary silence before yang broke it "Ooohhh my God".

"What?" Ruby said naively not understanding the implications of what she said.

 _ **[momentary silence]**_

 **WILD GEESE MEMBER: ...Ooohhh my God.**

 _ **[A White Fang Vampire bursts in through the window.]**_

 **ERHOLTZ: They figured out the landmines!**

 **OSCAR: I fucking noticed!** _ **[One of the vampires bites another Wild Goose on the neck.]**_

 **RUBY:** _ **[As she sticks the barrel of her riffle into the vampire's mouth]**_ **Eat schnitzel in hell!** _ **[pulls the trigger, blowing his head off.]**_

"Aw, come on Ruby! And you were doing so good!" Yang whined. Ruby didn't know what Yang meant without context.

 **OSCAR: "Eat schnitzel in hell"?**

 **RUBY: Oh, my apologies! What would** _ **you**_ **have said?**

 **OSCAR: Don't be so sauer, kraut!** _ **[Everyone begins laughing.]**_

"See Ruby that's a good joke" Yang said knowingly she was willing to help and educate her younger sister on how to make good jokes as she drowned out the groaning of her teammates.

 **ERHOLTZ: Ninety-nine** _ **dead**_ **balloons.**

 **ANDRANDE: Hasta l'auf wiedersehen!**

 **RUBY:** _ **[giggling and struggling to think of a joke]**_ **You've... been...** _ **autobahned! [The laughter stops.]**_ **Like the- like the autoba-**

"Oh god!" Yang yelled.

"Okay that was worse than Yang" Jaune told Ruby while she sulked.

 **OSCAR: Ve should get a move on!**

 **RUBY: Oh, choke on a baguette of dicks!**

 **OSCAR: Now listen ma chère, we are in ze zhick of it! Zey are getting close, and we cannot pull out now. We shall continue to hold zem off as long as we can, but we need you to flank zem and-**

"I'm 99 … .9 percent sure this is a reach around joke" Qrow told Taiyang.

 **RUBY: This is a reach-around joke, innit?**

 **OSCAR: Bon Dieu! I'm becoming predictable. Whatever, listen! If the British are good at anything, it's hunting, and you are hunting ze deadliest game of all.**

 **RUBY: White Fang vampires.**

"Aaaaw, that used to sound kinda cool" Nora said.

Pyrrha looked at quizzically "I don't think that ever sounded cool" she broke to her.

Nora shrugged indifferently "It was to me".

 **OSCAR: Dammit, that used to sound so cool! But zen you say it so much and "White Fang vampires" just sounds stupid!**

 **RUBY: Oh, right? Maybe we'll find something else, like maybe a White Fang werewolf.**

"That sounds worse" Oscar said.

 **OSCAR: Merde, zat sounds** _ **so much worse! [Missiles explode against the side of the mansion.]**_ **Oh right, World War Trois. Ma chère! Like a high-class escort, make zhem pay for every inch.**

 **RUBY: I can't believe I find you attractive.** _ **[She turns and runs down the hall.]**_

"Wait, what!" Oscar yelled.

 **OSCAR: Pardon quoi?** _ **[realisation]**_ **Wait,** _ **what?!**_

 **WILLIINGHAM: Uh, so sir, what's the over/under on us finishing this mission alive?**

 **OSCAR: About as good as any of us actually getting laid tonight.**

"Which means zero" Yang clarified.

 **WILLINGHAM: I dunno, those vampires do look kinda rapey.**

The audience revolted in disgust at those words.

 **HEBERT: Holy shit, dude!**

 **WILLINGHAM: Oh, who the fuck am I offending? The White Fang?!**

 **[** _ **Cut to Father Russel lying on a deck chair with a newspaper over his face.]**_

"What are you doing Russel?" Cardin asked his teammate.

 **RIEGEL: Uh, Bishop Russel?**

 **RUSSEL: Ah, shit. I fell asleep waiting. You'd think watching London turn into a literal hell-scape would keep you riveted** _ **,**_ **but once the screams died down...** _ **[He looks across the English Channel, where the glow from London's fires can be seen on the horizon.]**_ **So, what did I miss?**

Most of the audience looked revolted at Russel

 **RIEGEL: Well, according to the reports, America is imploding.**

'That country again, I wonder why it sounds so significant' Ironwood thought.

 **RUSSEL: So, White Fang has infiltrated them as well.**

 **RIEGEL: No... actually.**

"So, they destroyed themselves?" Winter asked.

 **RUSSEL: Okay** _ **...**_ **Well, have the Papal Knights arrived yet?**

 **RIEGEL: Actually, we were unable to conscribe them into our efforts.**

 **RUSSEL:** _ **What?!**_

 **RIEGEL: Ah- but do not worry, Bishop Russel! We were able to get some...** _ **Eager**_ **volunteers.**

 **RUSSEL: Volunteers?**

"Volunteers?" Ruby echoed.

 _ **[The camera pans into different shots of the volunteers in their Klassic Krusader Knights outfit.]**_

 **ANDREA: From Italia, I am brother Andrea Marco Francesco Luco Mateo Alhandro Lozendro Fredrico-**

"Wow, that's a long name" Yang said.

 **RUSSEL: Yes, yes. And your order?**

 **ANDREA: I bring with me the Pure Noble Ordine della Rossa del Corna di Resa San Bartironmeto, alla Serieta del Segni Torre Derise del Sito** _ **[this name is yet to be confirmed]**_ **…**

"And that's even longer" Weiss said.

 _ **[Russel grunts in frustration]**_

 **ANDREA: Divisione Ricettazione. We bring 510 paladins of the order.**

 **RUSSEL:** _ **[Sigh]**_ **Grazie. And you?**

 **DIEGO: From Mexico, Don Diego de la Vega! I bring: The Mexican Inquisition.**

 **RUSSEL: I did not expect you.**

 **DIEGO: No one ever does! We bring 888 conquistador inquisitors!**

 **BARTLOMIEJ: Shalom! Bartłomiej Jeleniak from Poland! I bring the sacred order of the Temple Beth Zion!**

 **RUSSEL: Oh, I've... not heard of your order. You're...** _ **sure**_ **you're Catholic?**

 **BARTLOMIEJ: Eh... Of course!**

 **RUSSEL: You worship the Lord Jesus Christ?**

 **BARTLOMIEJ: Hey, if we're killing White Fang, I'll worship a side of bacon. We bring 447 mënschen.**

 **PUISERS: Hey bud, Abbot Puiser from Canada, bud. I bring the crusaders of the Salvation Army. Fuck bro, let's kill us some gays!**

"What do they have against gay people?!" Ruby screamed.

 **RUSSEL: White Fang.**

 **PUISERS: Yeah, sorry, whatever. We bring 509 holy hosers, eh?**

 **RUSSEL: Glad to have you, now let's-**

 **JED: Now I gotta say, I'm a little uncomfortable killin' Fangs. Some of my best friends are Neo Fangs! Then again, these are those classic-type Fangs, so...**

"He's friends with White Fang?" Blake asked.

 **RUSSEL: Mi scusi. And you are...?**

 **JED: Jed Forrest, from the South Carolina Baptist Confederate Congregation! I got me here some 300 n' change good ol' boys from the Knights of the Hangin' Noose.**

 **RUSSEL: Wow, alright, okay! Thank you for...** _ **swinging by**_ **... Oh God!**

Everyone in the audience groaned at the unintentional pun.

"Wow, I didn't think you knew how to make puns" Yang told Russel.

"I don't" Russel said.

 **JED: No worries. Now I noticed y'all brought some crosses to burn. If ya run out, don't worry, 'cause Jim brought more in his truck!**

 **RUSSEL: That's uh... really not necessary-**

 **JED: Jim, how many more crosses we got in that truck!?**

 **JIM: 'Bout a few!**

 **JED: 'Bout a few.**

 **RUSSEL: This is going to be a** _ **long**_ **crusade. Listen up! Those who have come to serve the unyielding Word of our Almighty God. We've come together this night, under the glow of the London inferno in the eyes of our Lord for one divine reason...** _ **[drapes an extravagant stole around his shoulders]**_ **FUCK THE NEW POPE!**

"WHAT!" Summer screamed.

 _ **[Everyone begins cheering. Scenes of Pope Francis in real life are seen as Russel talks.]**_

 **RUSSEL: That Argentinian windbag has** _ **ruined**_ **us! Prattling on and on about the** _ **poor!**_ **We are the house of God, not a fucking** _ **soup kitchen!**_

 **ANDREA: Thank you! Even** _ **we're**_ **sick of feeding people, and we're** _ **Italian!**_

"What does race have to do with anything?" Qrow sad.

 **RUSSEL: And what does he do with the golden throne? Replaces it with a** _ **wooden chair**_ **! Probably carved by more** _ **poor**_ **people!**

 **DIEGO: Jesus was a king first, carpenter second!**

 **RUSSEL: And do not start me on the homosexuals! Oh, if you love them so much, why don't you fucking** _ **marry**_ **them?! You seem so okay with the concept!**

 **PUISER: Yeah, fuck bro! It's Adam and Eve, not Adam and another dude and they're havin' sex!**

"There's nothing wrong with being gay!" Ruby defended.

 **RUSSEL: And he has the gall to renounce the Old Testament as mere stories! "We should be more like Jesus and congregate with whores, and homosexuals, and** _ **poor**_ **people!"**

 **BARTLOMIEJ: Yeah! Perhaps we can all just agree that,** _ **maybe,**_ **Jesus WASN'T the son of God!**

"Okay, What!" Summer screamed again.

 **RUSSEL: We are the congregation of a wrathful God. We shall begin a new Papal succession, and I shall lead us in a Ninth Crusade, for** _ **I**_ **am your leader... THE NEW POPE! And after we are finished purging England of its demons and heathens, WE... WILL...**

 **JED: ROUND UP ALL THOSE DIRTY NI-**

 **RUSSEL: Okay,** _ **you**_ **need to chill!**

 _ **[Series logo appears.]**_

"What was Jed about to say?" Ruby asked.

"I don't know?" Yang shrugged.

"Probably something racist" Blake said.

* * *

 **I can't believe nobody is commenting about me replacing the name's of the ghouls that attacked Integra to Red and Blue characters**


	8. Episode 7: A Scythe For Sore Eyes

**[INTRO]**

 **RUBY: The following is a fan-based parody! Hellsing Ultimate is owned by Kouta Hirano and Studio Madhouse, and licensed by Geneon, Madman Entertainment, Manga Entertainment, and Funimation! Please support the official release!**

 **[open on White Fang vampires snacking on corpses]**

"Those damn monsters" Yang cursed out watching the gory scene.

Ruby's face was pale as she desperately tried to keep her lunch in.

 **FANG GRUNT: Gruber?**

 **GRUBER: Hmm?**

 **FANG GRUNT: ..Are we bad people?**

Weiss jaw-dropped at that question "ar-are they really asking that?!" Weiss said incredously.

"Well we already knew these guys weren't the smartest of the bunch" Roman said, "this is just proof."

"Of course, your bad people!" Ruby said childishly.

 **GRUBER: [swallows] It's a matter of perspective, really.**

 **FANG GRUNT: From these men's perspective?**

 **GRUBER: Oh, absolutely! But, to be fair.. I think we kind of tipped that Jenga tower by being Fangs in the first place.**

"Oh, yeah, definitely" Yang said.

 **FANG GRUNT: Ya, ya.. I guess the whole 'eating them' is just.. salt on the wound.**

 **GRUBER: Agh, don't say 'salt' to me! These mercs are so bland! They could use- [Ruby opens gunfire on them]**

 **RUBY: How's THAT for some SALT?! [silence] ..UGH! God D**N it! What's the point of comin' up with all these one-liners if'n they're all dead when I say 'em?!**

"It wasn't a really good one-liner to begin with" Yang told Ruby who started pouting.

"But it's okay Big Sister Yang will teach you how to make good puns". she said before cuddling Ruby who tried to get out of her sister's vice like grip. While the rest of the team smiled at Yang's and Ruby's childish behavior.

 **FANG GRUNT: [outside] To be fair, it wasn't really that funny to begin with!**

 **RUBY: [shoots through the offending grunt] It's a matter of perspective, really.**

"That's gonna be a running gag this episode isn't it?" Qrow asked Taiyang.

"Sounds like it" Taiyang answered.

 **[OPENING TITLECARD]**

 **OSCAR: B Wing! What's your location?**

 **MILLER: HR department!**

 **OSCAR: And your status?**

 **MILLER: You ever been fisted up to the elbow before?**

 **OSCAR: ..Jaffe, I could use your expertise!**

"Okay, what the hell does that guy's search history look like?" Yang said.

"Why do you want to know?" Weiss asked.

"Well it would be an explanation for the guy's weird taste!" Yang said.

 **JAFFE: Hey, FUCK YOU, man!**

 **OSCAR: Read the room! [to Miller] So.. I'm guessing you're in some shit!**

 **MILLER: I just saw a man's FACE get eaten! One** _ **bite**_ **, like that asshole owl with the fuckin' Tootsie Pop, man!**

"Oh God" Goodwitch said.

"That mustn't have been a good sight to see" Ironwood said.

 **DYING MERC: How many licks did it take? [laughs and coughs]**

"That wasn't a very funny joke" Ruby muttered before being hugged by her mother.

 **OSCAR: Just hold out! The police girl is on her way!**

"Where are you by the way?" Blake asked.

"Don't I have super-speed in this?" Ruby asked rhetorically.

"Well I mean there are a lot of vampires around the mansion" Weiss said.

 **MILLER: Sir.. I'm not gonna lie to you; we're pinned here, all my men are dead or dying, and I'm runnin' out of bullets.**

"N-no" Ruby whispered looking at the screen falling deeper into her mother's embrace.

 **OSCAR: Miller.. it was an honor serving with you.**

Ironwood saluted Miller while Qrow toasted him.

 **MILLER: ..What the FUCK?!**

"What?!" Ironwood said rhetorically.

 **OSCAR: What?**

 **MILLER: What's THAT cheap shit?! You're not gonna to tell me to fall back or fight through?!**

"Why would he?" Winter asked.

 **OSCAR: Well.. I-I mean, can you?**

 **MILLER: Of fucking COURSE not!**

"So then why?!" Ironwood and Winter yelled at the same time.

 **OSCAR: Well, then, why the FUCK would I say it?!**

 **MILLER: It's a cliché,** _ **dammit!**_ **And a good god d**n one, at that!**

"Really, a cliché" Ironwood and Winter deadpanned .

"Well people love clichés" Qrow said and shrugged.

 **OSCAR: Fine, fine, whatever! Okay, sure! ..Don't you FUCKING give me that, Miller! Fall back and make it-**

 **MILLER: No, no.. it's-it's ruined. It's disingenuous.**

"Wouldn't it always be disingenuous?" Oscar asked

 **OSCAR: It was ALWAYS going to be disingenuous!**

 **MILLER: Well, SO IS WHAT'S COMIN' NEXT!**

 **OSCAR: Wait, no, Miller, choose life..**

"That's disingenuous" Weiss commented.

 **MILLER: COME AND GET ME, YOU BLOOD-CHUGGIN' COCKHOLES! [Zorin's magic creates an illusion] ..What the** _ **fuck?**_

 _ **LITTLE GIRL: Daddy!**_ **It's me, daddy! Welcome home!**

Emerald knew what this was an illusion to drop the man's guard and then stab him in the back.

 **MILLER: You're not my daughter..**

 **LITTLE GIRL: Of course I am, daddy! I-**

 **MILLER: No, seriously; I got a vasectomy right out of high school.**

"Oof, that sucks" Mercury said knowing how Emerald felt when one of her illusions go wrong.

 **LITTLE GIRL: ..I meant.. I'm your niece!**

 **MILLER: Nope.. I'm an only child.**

 **[little girl transforms into Sonic the Hedgehog with a foot-long erection]**

"What the hell!?" Yang yelled seeing Sonic with an erection.

"W-what is that?" Ruby said in a small voice utterly terrified.

 **SONIC: ..I've been waiting for you, Miller! [hugs the Sonic and is split in two for his trouble]**

"Why did he hug that thing?!" Weiss asked disgusted, let's chalk it up as one of life's great mysteries moving on.

 **ILIA: Real quick.. does anyone want to explain what we just witnessed?**

The audience anxiously awaited the reason to witness such a horrible thing.

 **WHITE FANG GRUNT: Uh, I think that was Sonic the Hedgehog from the Sonic the Hedgehog franchise by Sega.**

 **ILIA: Okay, but.. why did it have a foot-long erection?**

 **WHITE FANG GRUNT: The fanbase is.. diverse.**

 **ILIA: You mean, fucking** _ **weird!**_

"Ilia's right" Sienna said.

 _ **WHITE FANG GRUNT: It's a matter of perspective, really.**_

 _ **[cut to the mercenaries]**_

 _ **JAFFE: No one else is gonna say it?! Fine! I fuckin' will! I wish Alucard was here! Yeah!**_

 _ **GRUNT: Really, Jaffe?**_

 _ **JAFFE: Yes, REALLY! Because when he was around, shit wasn't so scary! If anything, it was fuckin' hilarious! But ever since he left, everything's so god d**n serious!**_ **Like there's something MISSING!**

"That's true" Jaune said.

 **GRUNT: Hey, we're doin' pretty okay without him! It's.. our time to shine, you know?**

"And by shine they mean be killed" Roman said flamboyantly while Neo raised a sign said BURN!

 **JAFFE: DUDE! Let's face it, we fucking SUCK and no one likes us!**

 **OSCAR: So, okay! Let's grab some kneepads, a stiff drink, and gobble his COCK! You want to sit back and whimper like the little pre-school bitch you are? Go ahead! But Alucard isn't here; he's on a FUCKING boat, and there's not a GOD D**N thing we can do about it! So do some FUCKING soul-searching, or locate the shattered remains of your testicles, and hope - like always - that the girl comes first, before** _ **that**_ **barricade gives way, and YOU'RE made into the world's** _ **whiniest Lunchable!**_

"That's a great speech" Ironwood applauded.

"Bit too crass in my opinion" Winter said.

 _ **JAFFE: Oh! Oh, right! The police girl! Where the metaphorical fuck is SHE?!**_

 _ **[cut to Ruby]**_

 _ **RUBY: Welp!**_ **Looks like Human Resources has been.. PROCESSED.. I'd feel worse about that if they ever did ANYTHING about all the sexual harassment! Yet you'd think Alucard was the worst offender..**

"What?" Yang and Ruby said aloud.

 **[flashback]**

 **WEISS: Hello..** _ **Police Girl...**_

 _ **RUBY: ..Sir?**_

Ruby and Weiss stared at Weiss's other version unable to stop their gaping maw's.

"What the hell are you doing to my sister Weiss?!" Yang yelled while Weiss shouted excuses to save herself.

 _ **[present]**_

 _ **WILLINGHAM: Not like you to have a girl clean up your mess, sir.**_

 _ **OSCAR: Heh! You're not wrong, Willingham! But even with all these men, this isn't the kind of load we can handle on our own. Hopefully, those ASSHOLES are out of rockets...**_

"Aaaand they just jinxed themselves" Qrow said.

"You would know" Raven shot back.

 _ **[outside]**_

 _ **WHITE FANG GRUNT: Ma'am, we have an ABUNDANCE of rockets! Shall we bombard them?**_

"Yep, knew it" Qrow muttered

 _ **ILIA: Oh, nein! I want to see how this.. "Panzers" out?**_

"Was… that a pun?" Sienna asked Adam.

"I think sooo…" he trailed of he had never heard Ilia make puns before.

 _ **WHITE FANG GRUNT: Oh? OH!**_

 _ **ILIA: Oh?**_

 _ **FANG GRUNT: OH! [laughs and sighs] And they say we Germans can't be funny! [fires into the conference room]**_

"Oh no! Oscar!" Ruby shouted with worry as she saw the rocket enter the room.

 _ **GRUNT: [in background] C'mon, move it! Move it!**_

 _ **OSCAR: [grunts] The least those FUCKERS could do is give us some warning before they pull it out and blow it all over our backsides! [grunts in pain] And now this wood is going to give me a limp! Like usual.. Willingham! Can you take care of this for me? [gasps]**_

 _ **WILLINGHAM: [severely injured] C-can you.. bring it over here?**_

"Holy shit!" Yang screamed as Summer covered Ruby's eyes.

 _ **OSCAR: Willingham! Oh.. SHIT! Uh..**_

 _ **WILLINGHAM: How's it look?**_

 _ **OSCAR: ..Probably how it feels.**_

 _ **WILLINGHAM: I'm imagining crushed raspberries..**_

"How is he still alive!" Weiss screamed.

 _ **OSCAR: Yeah.. that about right.**_

 _ **WILLINGHAM: Captain.. listen: there's one thing I need to say before I die..**_

 _ **OSCAR: What is it, Willingham? My friend! My brother!**_

 _ **WILLINGHAM: You fuckin' SUCK at pickin' our contracts! [dies]**_

"Is everyone going to die like cop-outs?" Taiyang asked Qrow.

He shrugged, "probably" Qrow answered.

 _ **OSCAR: Au revoir.. mon cul préféré! [Goodbye.. my favorite asshole!]**_

 _ **TONY: Hey, God? It's me! Tony! If only one of us makes it out of here alive.. PLEASE let it be ME!**_

 _ **ANDY: Hey, God? It's Tony's friend, Andy. Fuck Tony!**_

"Why are they arguing about who's too die, aren't they friends?!" Ruby screamed.

"They aren't true friends" Yang told Ruby.

 _ **[outside]**_

 _ **FANG GRUNT: I think I'm going to fire this one at.. Tony!**_

 _ **ILIA: YES! FUCK. THEM. ALL!**_

 _ **FANG GRUNT: [tries to fire, but the gun jams] You're kidding me! It's jammed! Oh.. this is embarrassing-**_

"Looks like God decided to spare both of them" Qrow said drunkenly.

 _ **[Ruby appears and begins taking out the Fangs]**_

 _ **OSCAR: Throw your hands up, gentlemen! The cavalry has arrived!**_

"Yay!" Nora and Ruby yelled.

 _ **MERCS: Yay..!**_

 _ **DYING FANG: Oh, GOD, she shot me in the ASS!**_

"Phtfff!" Yang went before bursting into laughter "OhmygodRuby!" Yang said before bursting into another bout of laughter. Ruby on the other was hand was deciding whether her cloak was a good living place.

 _ **ILIA: Well, well, well! If it isn't the loyal police girl!**_

"Why does everyone keep calling me that?" Ruby muttered.

 _ **RUBY: All right, you know GOD D**N well what my name is!**_

 _ **ILIA: You're right, I do.. but there's so much more I want to LEARN! [digs into Ruby's memories]**_

 _ **POLICE GIRL: I see.. so you're looking to become a police officer? Not surprising, given what happened to your family..**_

"What? What happened to us?" Taiyang asked.

 _ **ILIA: Ah, I see! Did something happen to Mommy and Daddy? [laughs] Let's take a look!**_

 _ **HEADMASTER: The sister here says you stabbed the boy in the eye with a PENCIL!**_

"WHAT!?" Yang yelled shocked her sister would never do that.

 _ **YOUNG RUBY: [thinking] I'll stab your mother in the CUNT!**_

"Damn Ruby chill out" Yang said seeing her sister's anger.

 _ **HEADMASTER: Young lady, how**_ **do you expect to be adopted if you continue this behavior?**

"But why would she be up for adoption?! What happened to us?!" Taiyang cried.

 **YOUNG RUBY: [thinking] I don't want to be adopted, I WANT YOUR MOTHER'S CUNT!**

 **ILIA: An orphanage..? OH, this is getting** _ **even better!**_ **Let's just dig into those repressed memories, and perhaps we'll-**

 **[comes across a memory of Ruby licking blood from Weiss's finger]**

"WHHY!?" Weiss cried at her misfortune as she felt Yang glare burning into the side of her head.

 **ILIA: Umm.. this.. needs context. Let's keep moving!**

 **SUMMER: Ruby, hide in here! And absolutely do NOT come out!**

 **[gunshots and screaming sound from outside]**

"What's happening" Summer screamed.

 **SIGMUND: Now look what you gone and done! You skipped the process!**

 **FREUD: What process?**

 **SIGMUND: The standard process o' breakin' and enterin'! You're supposed to shoot the husband, rape the wife, then shoot the wife! You gone and shot the husband, then shot the wife!**

"WHAT!" The entire Rose family screamed.

 **FREUD: Don't mean nothin'!**

 **SIGMUND: 'Course it does! Now we can't rape her!**

"WHAT!" the entire Rose family screamed again. "MOM!" Ruby yelled hugging Summer.

 **FREUD: I beg to differ! Body's still warm!**

"Oh god" Weiss said feeling her lunch in her throat.

 **SIGMUND: Come on now, mate; gotta have standards! I know we're shootin' an' rapin', but necrophilia's a step too far!**

"Those bastards, I'll kill em!" Taiyang shouted.

 **FREUD: If you're such a bugger about procedure, why didn't you perform a 5-point room scan? [is stabbed by little Ruby] BUGGER ALL!**

"Go Ruby!" Yang cheered.

 **SIGMUND: Right! [shoots little Seras] My fault; I'll take responsibility for that one! That is what happens when you do not perform a 5-point room scan!**

"Oh no Ruby!" Yang yelled in worry before Blake put her hand on Yang's shoulder to calm her down. " This isn't our Ruby" she said.

 **FREUD: Yeah, alright.. so you get to the 5-point room scan, and I'll get to the rapin'!**

 **SIGMUND: Steady on!**

 **[present]**

 **ILIA: Aww, the poor little police girl has such a BURDEN on her shoulder! Let me help you take some of the weight off! [cuts off her arm and Ruby screams] You're not even a decent guard dog! [stabs Ruby and she screams again] You're just the pet of a pet! A stupid, big-tittied POLICE GIRL! [cuts her eyes and Ruby screams in agony] Then again.. it's a matter of perspective, really! [laughs]**

"Ruby!" "Where the hell is Jaune!?" "Someone save her!' the audience filled up with the sound of angry people vying to save this Ruby.

 **OSCAR: VA TE FAIRE FOUTRE! [attacks Ilia] It's French for 'FUCK OFF!' [shoots her away from Ruby]**

"Go other me!" "Go Oscar!" Team RWBY, JNPR and Oscar yelled.

 **GRUNT 1: Captain, let's** _ **move!**_

 _ **GRUNT 2: Grab the girl and go!**_

 _ **OSCAR: Sure! Leave the 130 pound body to the guy with the GUT WOUND! [in French] I am girt by idiots..**_

"Yes, someone should at least help him." Ironwood said.

 _ **RUBY: [shakily] A-after the arm, I-I think it's about.. 105..**_

 _ **OSCAR: And the blood loss! Ugh, something I could use a lot less of right now! [internally] All right, Oscar! Keep it together.. one foot in front of the other! You've got the girl.. you've got your men.. you've got a way out of this living hell-**_ **\- [gets stabbed from behind and falls]**

"No other me!" "Oscar!" Oscar and Ruby yelled with worry.

 **ILIA: Wait your** _ **turn;**_ **I wasn't done PLAYING with that yet!**

 **JAFFE: Holy shit! CAPTAIN, THAT GERMAN BITCH IS STILL ALIVE!**

"We can see that!" Yang yelled angry at the events onscreen.

 **GRUNT 2: Jaffe, why the FUCK do I have to die with you?**

 **RUBY: [shakily] Cap'n Pines.. w-what was that.. stabbing noise? A-an' that blood-drippin' noise? An' that body-hittin'-the wall noise? I'm blind, so I could really use a play-by-play..**

 **OSCAR: I'm sorry, mon cher! It's not like me to leave a girl unsatisfied.. but it seems I just didn't have it in me this time..**

"No Oscar don't die!" Ruby yelled "It's okay it's just another version of me" Oscar said.

 **RUBY: [shakily] Don't worry! I-it happens to guys all the time! Heh..**

 **OSCAR: But I can at least tell you, mon cher.. it was.. good for me.**

 **RUBY: ..Mr. Pines..? Oscar? OSCAR?! [they kiss]**

Cinder snorted and looked away some the scene it was so sickly sweet she could get diabetes.

 **JAFFE: Aww!**

 **GRUNT 2: That's sweet..**

"Those guys just had to ruin the mood" Yang muttered.

 **OSCAR: Next time, maybe I'll get past first base! [laughs and coughs up blood] Ah, fat chance.. You're far too fine a wine.. for a lout like me.. [passes away]**

"No... Oscar" Ruby muttered silently "it's not me" Oscar said reminding Ruby that it wasn't real.

 **RUBY: ..Oscar? Oscar? Please get up.. No! C-come on! No, come on! I-I-I can't do this alone! Master? Master, I need you here! I'm too weak for this! I'm too** _ **stupid**_ **for this! I-I can't handle this! I-I'm not a real vampire! I'm barely even a HUMAN! Master! WHAT DO I DO?!** _ **WHAT DO I DO?!**_ **[finds herself in a different room] Uh..**

 **ALUCARD: You rang?**

"Fearless Leader here! Now he'll fix everything up!" Nora yelled.

 **RUBY: Master? Everything's fallin' apart!**

 **ALUCARD: Shit, you're right! You should REALLY get on that!**

"That bastard!" Jaune yelled "does he even care!".

 **RUBY: Oscar.. Oscar's dead.. because of me! Everyone's** _ **dead..**_ **because I wasn't strong enough!**

 **ALUCARD: OH, so this is MY fault, then?**

"What's he talking about?!" Sun said shocked.

 **RUBY: What? N.. n-no!**

 **ALUCARD:** _ **Everything**_ **is my fault, apparently! Ate the last Spotted Dick pudding in the fridge? My fault! Crashed a car into the world's first British Dairy Queen?** _ **My**_ **fault! Unknowingly shot Archduke Ferdinand and blamed it on some other guy? Oh, MY fault!**

 **RUBY: It's NOT your FAULT! Ilia, Oscar, the Flying Geese? They were MY responsibility!**

 **ALUCARD: But I chose** _ **you!**_ **Are you saying I made the wrong choice? Because I don't make wrong choices.. I make** _ **investments.**_

 _ **RUBY: I'm sayin' I failed**_ **you! I failed EVERYONE!**

Yang suddenly grasped Ruby by the shoulder "You didn't fail anyone okay!?" Yang yelled.

"O-kay" Ruby said shakily her ears hurting at the sound of Yang's yell.

 **ALUCARD: The only way you** _ **fail**_ **is by giving up.**

 **RUBY: I give UP, because I'm not STRONG ENOUGH-**

 **ALUCARD: LISTEN TO ME, DRACULINA! You are SO MUCH stronger than you let yourself be!**

"YEAH! Listen to Fearless Leader Ruby!" Nora yelled.

 **RUBY: HOW DO YOU KNOW?!**

 **ALUCARD: Because behind those eyes, I saw something I lost long ago: the will to live! Now.. stop running from who you are! Confront it! EMBRACE it.. and go for its fucking throat! Like a REAL FUCKING VAMPIRE!**

 **[Ruby drinks Oscar's blood and becomes a true vampire, healing her injuries]**

 **ILIA: That look.. HOW!? I cut out your eyes! How can you LOOK AT ME LIKE THAT?!**

"Fuck you, that's how!" Yang yelled.

 **RUBY:** _ **Fuck you,**_ **that's how! ..Ilia, was it? L-listen, Ilia.. this whole fuckin' place.. is** _ **my house;**_ **you ain't the queen vampire bitch 'ere!** _ **I AM!**_ **And you know what we Brits always say: God. Save. The Queen!**

"GO RUBY, KICK THEIR ASSES!" the teams yelled while Ruby blushed embarrassed at the at the attention she was getting but still had a smile on her face, nonetheless.

 **[Ruby rips through the Fangs like a tornado]**

 **ILIA: She's like a fuckin'** _ **blender,**_ **turning my men into paste! A German Bloody Mary! Why didn't we know about this?! Why didn't ANYONE do proper reconnaissance?! [Ruby grabs her by the face] Aw, fick mich!**

"Wasn't she supposed to do recon?" Sienna asked Adam.

"Yes" was his short, clipped reply but hint of rage could be heard simmering underneath his mask.

 **RUBY: SAY MY NAME, YOU NAZI BITCH! [groans and screams as Ruby bites off her hand] I SAID, SAY MY FUCKING NAME! SAY IT!** _ **SAY IT!**_

"Okay, Ruby don't you think you're going a bit too far" Weiss asked seeing Ruby literally grate Ilia's head on a wall.

"I think so" Ruby said going green in the cheeks

"Eh, she deserves it" Yang said shrugging uncaringly.

 _ **ILIA: RUBY ROSE!**_

 _ **[Ruby kills Ilia]**_

 _ **RUBY: ..And don't you FUCKIN' forget it!**_

"Yeah!" Ruby hollered for no reason she just felt like doing that.

 _ **[THE END]**_


	9. Episode 8: Deus Ex Cardin

**[INTRO]**

 **Cardin: The following is a fan-based parody! Hellsing Ultimate is owned by Kouta Hirano and Studio Madhouse, and is licensed by Geneon, Madman Entertainment, Manga Entertainment, and Funimation! Please, support the official release! Piracy's a sin! And ya know how I hate that!**

 **[open on Russel happily abusing his new power and position]**

 **Russel: For ye are the temple of the living God! As God hath said, "I will dwell in them, and walk in them, and I will be their God, and they shall be my people. Wherefore come out from among them and be ye separate," sayeth the Lord. "And touch not the unclean thing, and I will receive you!"**

What does that mean?" Ruby asked.

"There quotes from the bible... I think" Summer told her.

 **Boy: Mommy? What's that man talking about?**

 **Russel: Yes, my poor Christians, we have come to save you!**

"Maybe they aren't actually evil?" Ruby said.

"Then what was with the ending to episode 6?" Yang asked.

"We could have interpreted it wrong" Ruby answered.

" **Man: Hooray, it's the Catholic Church!**

 **Russel: FROM YOURSELVES!**

 **Man: Oh,** _ **no,**_ **it's the Catholic Church..**

"Nope, sorry Ruby you were wrong" Yang told her.

"Aaaaw" Ruby whined at her mistake.

 **[Iscariot forces begin assaulting London]**

 **Russel: Yes! Cleanse the Earth of these sinners! May the Lord have mercy, for I. HAVE. NONE!**

"Wow, he's gone batshit crazy" Qrow noticed.

 **[cut to Weiss and company witnessing this]**

 **Weiss: You know, I think your boy Russel's letting his new authority get to his head a little.. you should probably have a talk with him.**

"Yes you should" Weiss said agreeing with her other self.

 **Coco: He's.. he's just under a lot of pressure!**

"Why am I defending that bastard?" Coco asked rhetorically.

 **Russel: You do not deserve God's MERCY! If He will not turn you to the afterlife, THEN I WILL!**

 **Coco: I mean, words only have as much meaning as we give them!**

"Yes cause that's open to interpretation" Weiss said.

 **Russel: Sinners will be allowed no quarter! Kill them all! LET GOD SORT THEM OUT!**

"Okay Russ your becoming pretty terrifying here" Sky told his friend unnerved by his insanity.

 **Weiss: You're right! A** _ **lot**_ **open to interpretation there.**

"See, other me agrees!" Weiss told herself rhetorically.

 **Coco: Perhaps one of us** _ **should**_ **have a talk with him..**

 **Russel: I SHALL BE THE NEW GOD OF THIS WORLD!**

"Wow, such a Kira wannabe" Nora said.

"What are you talking about?" Ren asked curious about this Kira.

"I... don't know?" Nora said perplexed at her own words before forgetting about it.

 **Cardin: Aye, let me go have a wee chat.**

 **Weiss: Oh,** _ **I**_ **have an idea!**

"Oooh, what she going to say?" Ruby asked with anticipation.

 **Cardin: ..Woman!**

 **Weiss: Why not write down a formal protest?**

 **Cardin: Don't you dare!**

 **Weiss: You can nail it to his door..**

 **Cardin: Don't you fuckin' dare!**

 **Weiss: Like a** _ **Protestant!**_

"Oomph, way to put salt on the wound" Yang told Weiss.

 **[the Iscariots point their guns at Weiss, only to be blown back by Ruby upon her arrival]**

"Yay, I'm here now!" Ruby said. "Seems like you got over that traumatic experience quickly her sister noticed.

"Well whenever something bad happens you should look at at the good side of things" Ruby told Yang.

"And what's the good side?" Yang asked quizzically raising an eyebrow.

"I'm a badass now! And I have a cool new arm!" She said.

"Ooookay" Yang replied swiveling her head.

 **Cardin: Well, if it isn't Alucard's sidekick! Back for more of what I gave ya last time?**

 **Ruby: Why don't you try sticking it in me again? I might like it this time.**

"Whoa, Ruby didn't you were a masochist" Blake said teasing her leader.

"I'm not!" Ruby squeaked, blushing rose red.

 **Coco: Father Winchester!**

 **Cardin: Context, Coco!**

"Wow never thought I'd seen the day where Cardin preached about context" Velvet said.

 **Weiss: Ruby, report! And.. e-explain!**

 **Ruby: Base is secure! Everyone's dead. Ate Oscar; full-fledged vampire now!**

 **Cardin: And you're going to** _ **die**_ **a full-fledged vampire! It's a shame your blood sugar daddy won't be here to see it!**

Ruby and Jaune stuttered and blushed red at Father Winchester's words.

 **[Ready to Die by Andrew W. K. plays from Alucard's ship as it sails into the harbor]**

"Whoa epic entrance Jaune!" "This music's awesome!" "Go fearless leader!" people shouting encouragement and praises to Jaune on-screen counter-part.

 **Alucard: Well, well, well.. I leave for a day and.. the Catholics are crusading, while the White Fang are invading! Cardin! It's been only two days, but it feels like** _ **years!**_ **And you, uhm.. how are.. I wanna say.. Logan? Cardin, what's this guy's name?**

"Hey, My name's Sun not Logan!" Sun yelled angry at Alucard's mistake.

 **Sun: (Growl)**

 **Alucard: Oh, better watch out for "Hmm-hmm!"**

 **Weiss: ALUCARD!**

 **Alucard: WHAT?!**

 **Weiss: Release restraint level!**

"Wait there's another restraint level!" Weiss shouted.

"Just when we think he couldn't get more powerful" Winter said in shock.

 **Jed Forest: Now, hold your horses! I don't know who y'all think ya are, but my name's Jed Forest of the South Carolina Baptist Conf-**

"Can someone please shut him up" Blake said with a twitch in her eye.

 **Alucard: Shh-shh-shh-shhhh.. do you hear that?**

 **Jed Forest: Do I hear wha-?**

 **[gunshot]**

 **Alucard: Hmm, must have just been the wind.**

"Thank you" Blake said courteously even though the characters on screen couldn't hear her.

 **Weiss: Fuck it; dropping the formalities! Alucard! ...** _ **Go for a walk.**_

"Ooooh" Yang exhaled in anticipation something good had happen!

 **Alucard: [exhales] When hope is gone, undo this lock... and send me forth.. for a moonlit walk! Release restraint level..** _ **Zero.**_

"Of course, his chanting would be about walking" Weiss said chuckling.

"Well if he didn't take midnight walks the entire series wouldn't have begun" Ruby said before Yang interrupted.

"Shut up! Something is about happen and I won't have people speaking over it!" she cried.

 **[Ready to Die begins playing again before transitioning into Party Party Party]**

"The opening theme's playing!" Nora shouted.

"Things are getting good!" Coco yelled.

"SHUTUP" Yang yelled again.

 **Father Andrea Marco: Guys, I, uh, don't want to jinx it.. but I think we got him- [gets beheaded] AAHHHH!**

"Get Dunked On!" Nora shouted.

"I feel like she stole that line from somewhere?" Ren muttered to himself.

 **Adam: And this boot has finally** _ **dropped!**_

 **Weiss: I think it's worth noting that this is the first time he's ever followed my orders without any back-sass! It's simultaneously satisfying.. and disappointing.**

"How is disappointing?" Weiss asked too herself.

"You'll get if you ever get your own subordinates" Winter told her.

 **Russel: S-send in the reinforcements! Send in the Mexican Inquisition!**

 **Don Diego De La Vega: They expected us.. they expected all of us! DIOS MIO! [they scream as they're overrun]**

"That's what you get for being the bad guys!" Ruby yelled.

 **Russel: ..Send in the Salvation Army!**

 **Abbot Puiser: Holy fuck, bros! This is what we get for sticking our necks out! [they're overrun as well]**

 **Russel: Send in the forces of the Temple Beth Zion!**

 **Man:** _ **They fucked off before the battle even STARTED!**_

"Well they were smart" Coco said.

 **Bartłomiej Jeleniak** **: Seriously! I can't believe they thought we were going to help them! [they laugh] That's for the Rhineland Massacres, you schmuck!**

 **Russel:** _ **JEWS!**_

 **Adam: It's kind of hilarious in a mundane way, isn't it?**

"What is?" Ruby asked.

 **Russel: NO, NO, NO, NO, NO!**

 **Dr. Merlot: What is, Herr Major?**

 **Russel: NO, NO, NO, NO, NO!**

 **Adam: That none of these waffle munchers ever put it together that "Alucard" backwards is-**

 **Russel:** _ **DRACULA!**_

"Who's Dracula?" Nora asked

 **HE'S A MONSTER BASED OF JAUNE**

"That's so cool! You're a monster Jaune!" Nora told her leader.

"I... don't think I should be proud of that" he told the hyperactive girl while sweatdropping.

 **Dr. Merlot: To be fair, how long did it take for us to figure that out?**

 **Adam: A fair point. But, we were very busy planning World War** _ **III!**_

 **Dr. Merlot: True.. also, I believe our forces are being quite literally slaughtered!**

 **Adam: Ha! Who gives a shit? They're White Fang!**

"You don't even care about your own forces!?" Ironwood accused Adam who gritted his teeth while his on the armrests tightened.

"there losses would help further the White Fang's goal" he growled out. Even Sienna looked shocked at what he said.

 **Russle: All remaining forces, form up and protect your Neo-Pope! [his airlifted truck is attacked and begins to fall] AHHH! [he's knocked out of the sky and finds himself surrounded by Alucard's familiars] AHH! [they claw at the box, but can't get in] Ha! Stupid demon zombies! Claw away all you want; the only thing that can pierce my holy Pope box is the will of God Hims- [a bayonet appears and shatters the box]**

"Oof, talk about irony~" Coco said.

 **Cardin: [laughs]**

 **Russel:** _ **CARDIN! POR QUE?!**_

 **Cardin: It is the sacred duty of the Iscariot Organization to punish the demon, the heretic.. and the** _ **false God!**_

"BURN!" Yang called out over the sound of music, fighting and moaning ghouls.

 **Russel: [gasps]**

 **Cardin: Also, you're a daft cunt!**

"That's true" Velvet said.

 **Russel: [cries] CARDIN! CARDIN,** _ **I DON'T DESERVE THIS!**_

 **Cardin: "Sinners will be allowed no quarter; kill them all, and let** _ **God**_ **sort them out."**

 **Russel: AAAAGHH! [screams as he's impaled and killed by the familiars]**

"Eh, I'm glad he died" Russel said.

Coco stared at him "You do know he's you?".

"Eh, he was a dick" Russel said with the same amount of disinterest as before.

 **[cut to Ruby and Weiss.. taking in the bloodbath]**

 **Ruby:** _ **So..**_ **this is restraint level zero, huh?**

 **Weiss: These are five hundred years and change of souls that Alucard has consumed. After a while, he stopped actually killing people himself and started hanging around battlefields, letting others do it for him.**

 **Ruby: How many souls has he...?**

 **Weiss: Chowed down on? Oh.. two million..** _ **ish?**_ **He calls it his.. [sighs]** **#LifeHack.**

"Two million souls?!" Roman said.

"No wonder nobody could kill him would need to stab him two million times" He finished.

 **Ruby: [sighs] He would.**

 **Weiss: [sighs and inhales] ...Let's go welcome him back!**

 **[cut to Cardin mourning Russel]**

 **Cardin: I'm not sorry for what I did, Russel.. but I am sorry I had to do it.**

 **[flashes back to him meeting Russel as a child]**

 **Cardin: And what has brought** _ **you**_ **to our sanctuary of love and brotherhood, my boy?**

 **Russel: I have terrible guilt and rage inside me that can only be quelled by the blood and subjugation of the unclean!**

"Wow, so he was insane even as a kid, huh?" Qrow said.

"Though what's this rage and guilt he says that's inside him? Some sort of traumatic experience maybe?" Ozpin theorized.

 **Cardin: Oh, ho, you'll fit right in!**

 **[present]**

 **Cardin: You were a good boy, Russel.. shame you were such a shit man. [over the communication device] To the Iscariot Order and all surviving Crusaders: fall back to the Vatican!**

 **Coco: But Father Cardin, we still have our orders and-**

 **Cardin: You don't have to follow orders when your leader's actin' like a daft cunt! Also, Maxwell's dead, so..**

 **Coco: Oh, that's a.. tragedy...**

"Hah, other me doesn't even sound convincing!" Coco said laughing.

 **Cardin: Don't weep for the stupid, you'll be cryin' all day. Now, follow my orders! There's somethin' I must take care of..**

 **Coco: Father Winchester.. there is no way you can beat Alucard as he is now!**

 **Cardin: Maybe you're right, Coco.. but I want to take a stab at it anyway!**

"Stab pun" Yang suddenly said "He uses bayonets to stab people, it's a stab pun".

"Greaaat, you got the pun, your now the Queen of Puns" Weiss bestow in a annoyed manner.

"Queen of Puns, eh kekekekeke~" Yang giggled mischievously.

"Weiss don't give her ideas!" Ruby shouted in warning.

 **[cut to Ruby and Weiss greeting Count Dracula]**

 **Weiss: I'm not sure we've technically met.**

"What do you mean?" Ruby asked naively

"She means while we met Alucard we never met his true self Dracula" Weiss explained.

 **Dracula: It is an honor, my Master, Sir Weiss Hellsing. Please.. just call me Drac.**

"Bad nickname aside, he's actually nice how can he and alucrd even be the same person?" Coco asked.

"Split personality disorder?" Ozpin inferred.

 **Weiss: ..I don't think I'm going to do that.**

 **Dracula: As you wish.**

 **Ruby: Uh..'ello! Master, uh.. it's me! Heh.. th-the-the police girl! [he reaches out for her] EEK!**

 **Dracula: Ah, good.. it warms this long-dead heart of mine to see you so grown up.. Ruby Rose.**

Taiyang looked at Jaune with jealousy, he was her father not him! He remembered how Ruby used to act this way when he came home from a job.

"Does anyone think that Jaune would be a great father?" Coco said.

"Of course!" Pyrrha blurted out before blushing.

 **Ruby: [squees]**

"Aaaaaw" Yang crowed "You sound so cute!" she said before putting her sister in a bearhug.

 **Weiss: Aw, this is nice..**

"Don't ruin the moment Weiss!" Yang threatened

 **Cardin: ALUCARD! [shows up and attacks Count Drac]**

"You ruined the moment! Damn you Cardin!" Yang yelled turning her ire on the character to the back.

 **Dracula: Alucard is not here right now; you face Count Dracula of Wallachia.**

"He's a Count as well!?" Weiss asked in shock.

"Why are you so cool other me" Jaune muttered.

 **Cardin: Call yourself whatever ya want, ya crazy vampire bastard! I'm here to cleanse the Earth of your filth, once and for all!**

 **Dracula: Many have tried and failed. Yet, if it is my fate to fall to your blade.. then let it be so, worthy opponent.**

"Does anyone just realize he called Cardin a worthy opponent?" Nora asked.

"Not our Cardin, this Cardin" Ren clarified.

"I know! But it's weird" Nora whined.

 **Cardin: ..Time the fuck out! If we're doin' this - and we ARE doing this - I'm not gonna come swinging at "Dracula!" I'm killin' ALUCARD!**

"Aren't they the same person just different names and personalities?" Weiss asked.

"I mean I guess you could Cardin and Alucard had an relationship? Maybe that's why?" Velvet said.

 **Dracula: You** _ **do**_ **know that it's just my name spelled-**

 **Cardin: OF COURSE I DO! SHUT UP AND BRING HIM OUT! [attacks again]**

 **Alucard: Very well.. if you insist!**

 **[beat]**

 **Alucard: Hey there, Padre! How's little Timmy? You know what's good for getting cum stains out of altar boy robes?** _ **Holy water!**_ **Didja** _ **miss**_ **me?**

"That's a great entrance!" Qrow said.

"What the transformation or the speech?" Winter asked him.

"Both" Qrow clarified.

 **Cardin: Like coke after Lent!**

 **Alucard: Wait, are we talking cola or cocai- [is cut off by Cardin's assault] Hope you don't mind, I brought some friends! ..Associates? Slaves. I, I brought slaves.**

"Why am I licking my gun?' Emerald said in a disgusted manner.

"That's the only question you have?" Mercury asked her with a raised eyebrow.

 **Cardin: The more, the merrier!**

 **Alucard: [narrating Cardin's approach] The runner takes his mark, the starting gun is fired, and it's off to the races, folks! He swings to the left, he** _ **swings**_ **to the right! He's right in the thick of it, ladies and gentlemen, and what's this?** _ **Oh,**_ **it's a regular ol' bayonet jamboree! And who's this squaring up against him, standing 8'5" and weighing in at 600lbs? It's** _ **Big**_ **Barry! Better watch out, he's got no gag reflex! And he's a hugger! But wait, there's** _ **more!**_

"How did he make an exploding bayonet chain?! How did he hide an exploding bayonet chain?! I want an exploding bayonet chain?! GIVE ME!" Ruby yelled in excitement leaping at the screen or tried to the unknown force kept her butt attached to her chair.

 _ **[the remaining Iscariot forces show up to assist Cardin]**_

 _ **Coco: Velvet, do the thing!**_

 _ **Velvet: (Speaking Japanese) [The death of Big Barry has been sponsored by the Iscariot Order]**_

"she's speaking that moonspeak thing again!" Nora noticed.

"What is Moonspeak?" Velvet wondered.

 _ **Cardin: Velvet! Coco! I gave you express bloody orders to-**_

 _ **Coco: We don't have to follow orders when our leader's acting like a daft cunt!**_

"BURN!" Most of the audience yelled out.

 _ **Cardin: ..That's the only time you get to call me any**_ **kind of cunt!**

"Not for me, you cunt!" Coco yelled at Cardin.

"Why do you hate me so much?" Cardin said exasperated.

"Isn't it obvious, you're a racist cunt who bullied my friend! Of course, I'd hate you!" She yelled.

 **Alucard: She is** _ **sassy**_ **as fuck! Holy shit, I like her!**

"Oh, really Jaune? ~" Coco said seductively "Do you really like me? ~".

Jaune blushed and tried to stammer out a apology while Pyrrha glared at Coco.

 **Coco: Iscariot! Do you want to live forever?**

 **Paladins: We will live forever! In God's grace!**

 **Alucard: Y'all know you're Naruto running, right?**

"What type run is the naruto run?" Winter asked

 **IT'S A SPECIAL TYPE OF RUN THAT IS AERODYNAMIC AND CAN MAKE PEOPLE RUN AT SUPERSONIC SPEEDS**

"Really?" Ironwood asked.

 **NO**

 **Man: God... IS GREAT! [sets off a suicide bomb]**

 **Alucard: Ninja Catholic suicide bombers! [laughs] What a fun day! [Multiple suicide bombers shouting "GOD IS GREAT!"] Is it racist to say that sounds better in Arabic?**

"That sounds like the minions for the final boss fight" Mercury said.

 **Cardin: Any last words,** _ **monster?**_

 _ **Alucard: Have you ever thought about carbonating the blood of Christ? You know, give the kids something fizzy to drink, ooh, you know, before they wake up in an hour? Oh, sweet, you've got some on ya!**_

"What's in that box?" Ruby asked.

"I dunno but I'm getting weird vibes from it" Jaune said. His discomfort wasn't alone both Ozpin and Salem could also feel something in there.

 _ **Cardin: ...I forgive you.**_

"WHAT!" the audience yelled.

 _ **Alucard: ..Excuse me?**_

 _ **Cardin: Everything you've said, everything you've done.. I forgive you.**_

"Never thought Cardin was the forgiving type?" Coco said.

"He isn't" Jaune said knowing from experience.

 _ **Alucard: Well, isn't that convenient? But it's not up to you,**_ **is it? It's up to your precious God!**

 **Cardin: You're right; would you like to speak to him?**

"What?" Ozpin muttered how could talk to the Gods without the Relics.

 **Coco: Isn't that one of the nails that pierced Christ's body?**

 **Velvet: (Speaking Japanese) Yup!**

 **Coco: From the "Don't fuck with this" armory?!**

 **Velvet: (Speaking Japanese) Yup!**

 **Coco: Where they keep the Ark of the Covenant, the Dead Sea scrolls, and the ACTUAL Body of Christ?!**

"WHAT?!" Summer yelled at the sentence.

 **Velvet: (Speaking Japanese) YUP!**

 **Alucard: Ooh, la, la! You've got a nail with some Savior juice on it! What'cha gonna do, stab me through the heart?**

 **Cardin: Not yours..**

"What is Cardin going to do?" Ruby asked curiously eyes glued to the screen.

 **Alucard: No, no, no!**

 **Cardin: Mine.**

"So what he's going to kill himself?" Mercury said in confusion

 **Alucard: No, no, no, no, no, no, no, NO!**

 **[he attacks Cardin, but Cardin manages to pierce his own heart with the nail]**

 **Cardin: Through the Ministry of the Church, may God give you pardon and peace. And I absolve you from your sins; in the name of the Father, and of the Son, and of the Holy Spirit! AMEN!**

"What the hell happened to him?" Coco said.

Salem answered "He threw away his humanity and became a monster to defeat Alucard" Salem said.

"Notthat he will" she added.

 **[his bayonet pierces Alucard's head and he loses consciousness]**

 **Alucard: Ugh.. SHIT, this hurts! ..This is a** _ **deep**_ **pain! Oh! Ooh, and it gets** _ **worse!**_

"Is he actually dying?!" Ruby yelled.

"Are we not gonna notice that he likes it!?" Yang said.

"Now's not the time Yang!" Ruby retorted.

 _ **GOL: Jaune Arc of Wallachia.. Son of the Dragon, the Impaler.**_

"So wait, God's a faunus?" Cardin asked

"No, that not GOD, that' the God of Light" Ozpin told the audience.

 _ **Alucard: OH, fuck me, he wasn't kidding!**_ **[sniffs] Hello, GOL!**

 **GOL: Dracula.**

 **Alucard: Actually, I go by "Alucard" now!**

 **GOL: Hold that thought. [begins to cleanse the souls trapped within Alucard]**

"Whoah!" Nora yelled.

"Damn" Ironwood said GOL was easily killing this entire army in seconds.

 **Alucard: Hey, hey, hey, what are you doing?! Hey, hey! Stop that! STOP THAT! THOSE ARE MINE!**

"He sounds like a guy losing his furniture to taxes" Qrow said.

"You would know" Winter told him.

 **GOL: I am forgiving your sins, and releasing the damned souls you have imprisoned within you.**

 **Alucard: [laughs] Ho-ho-hold on.. You've got a problem with people using others for their own ends? What, should I be giving you credit for the IDEA?** _ **Is that it?!**_

 _ **GOL: What is the source of your anger, child?**_

"Isn't omniscient shouldn't he already know?"

"The GOL isn't omniscient" Ozpin told them.

 _ **Alucard: Fuck you! You're omniscient, you already know.**_

'Maybe am wrong' Ozpin thought.

 _ **GOL: Yes. I want you to SAY it..**_

 _ **Alucard: ...**_

 _ **GOL: [sighs] Was it the ten years of ra-?**_

 _ **Alucard: It was the ten years of RAPE! Nailed it like the FUCKING Romans! Let me ask ya something, "Yahweh"; which set of prints were yours in the sand? The hand prints, the knee prints, OR the footprints behind THOSE?!**_

"WHAT!?" the audience yelled.

 **YEAH REMEMBER WHEN I TOLD YOU HIS FATHER WAS BAD.**

"Your saying he-" Ruby stammered before getting interrupted.

 _ **GOL: I have a plan for everyone.**_

'Do you? Really?' Ozpin thought drinking coffee in order to hie his expression.

 _ **Alucard: And what's the plan for the starving children in.. [laughs] I don't know, in "name an African country?" Is it for them to die? Because, if so, KILLER plan! BUT, do you know who WAS there for me? Who answered my prayers, FINALLY? Here, let's put 'im on!**_

 _ **GOL: I saw this coming, but I'm still not looking forward to it.**_

 _ **[Dialtone]**_

 _ **GOD: Hi, Brother!**_

Ozpin and Salem almost did a spit take. They knew that voice, it was the God of Darkness! But they were shocked at confused at how he sounded whiny and prepubescent.

 _ **GOL: Hi, Darkness.**_

 _ **GOD: Hey, so.. I know it's been a while, but, y'know.. again, so sorry for what happened to your son. That was just terrible.**_

 _ **GOL: Mmhmm.**_

"He sounds like he doesn't even care" Velvet noticed.

 _ **GOD: Remember; if you ever want to talk about it, I'm there for you. Well, you know what I mean. "Down here" for you, 'cause you sent me here to Hell, but that's okay.. Ah, and, by the way if you ever want to stop by, I make some KILLER avocado toast; you wouldn't believe it.**_

"Does he really?" Salem asked Ozpin.

"Why are you asking me?" He told her, she just shrugged.

 _ **GOL: Mmhmm..**_

 _ **GOD: But anyways.. Alucard has been a super-huge help down here. Uh, really cleaning up the place.. I just wanted to thank you for forsaking him and sending him our way. Thank you so much.**_

"Wow Jaune sounds like a real miracle worker!" Nora said.

 _ **GOL: Mmhmm.**_

 _ **GOD: By the way, uh, while I got you here, could you maybe**_ **ease up on the requirements for getting in to Heaven? You know, it's just that Hell is getting a** _ **wee**_ **bit full down here.. [laughs] It's really-**

"He hanged up on him?" Ruby asked shocked.

"That meanie!" she said pumping her fist at the screen.

 **GOL: Anyway, Alucard.. you are forgiven. And if you are brave enough to accept it-**

 **Alucard: Didn't ask; don't need it, go fuck yourself!**

"But why wouldn't he except forgiveness?" Ruby asked too young to truly know what he means.

 **GOL: Hmm..**

 **GOD: That's a pretty fair offer, Alucard. What are you going to do?**

 **Alucard: The same thing we agreed to all those years ago. As I lay there, betrayed by the Lord I thought on my side.. made a monster in his name... I swore I would not allow another monster like myself to exist in this world!**

"Damn!" Yang yelled at that speech.

"Go Jauney!" Nora yelled.

 **GOD: [laughs and sighs] Hey, by the way, can I get my dogs back?**

 **Alucard: NO, THEY'RE MINE NOW!**

 **[regains consciousness and rips out Cardin's heart]**

"Woah!" the audience went.

"He did it!" Nora yelled.

 **Cardin: Ugh.. It looks like you got what you've always wanted, Alucard.**

 **Alucard: I didn't want this..**

"I can't believe I actually feel sorry for that dick" Coco said.

 **Cardin: You stole my heart..**

"Literally" Yang punned tears filling in her eyes.

 **Alucard[crying]:** _ **Oh..**_ **fu-fuckin' come on,** _ **man..**_

 _ **Cardin: [coughs] Times like this.. I'm reminded of one of my favorite verses; "Whosoever shed man's blood, by man shall his blood be shed. For in the image of God, made He man."**_

 _ **Alucard: ..What chapter is that verse from?**_

 _ **Cardin: Boondock Saints. [laughs] Ah, my favorite movie..**_

"Call back to the first episode" Nora said.

 _ **Alucard: [laughs] ..Fuckin' called it.**_

 _ **Cardin: Alucard, I hate you.. but I understand you. You seek out your own justice to right the countless wrongs you have committed; to find forgiveness, and salvation.. But when you find it.. will you accept it? As a man, much like you, once lost, adrift in the mad world.. I made peace with my demons. May I tell you how?**_

The audience was now bawling their eyes out. The scene was very emotional!

 _ **Alucard: Of course.. my friend.**_

 _ **Cardin: I-**_

 _ **Ozpin: [crushes Cardin's remains with his foot] Said three Hail Marys, ate my vitamins, fucked off and died, Amen.**_

 _ **Alucard: OZPIN!**_

" _OZPIN!"_ Most of the audience screamed in rage while the man who did the deed looked at the screen in shock and sadness why did his other self not let Cardin say his last words, and did he get younger!?

 _ **[CArdin Winchester plays]**_

 _ **~ALUCARD~**_

 _ **How does a bastard, orphan, son of a whore and a Scotsman**_  
 _ **Dropped in the middle of a forgotten spot**_  
 _ **in an Italian village without a roof for sleeping under**_  
 _ **Grow up to be a deadly demon hunter?**_

 _ **~RUBY~**_

 _ **The Paladin, Catholic father without a father**_  
 _ **Got a lot farther by working a lot harder**_  
 _ **By being a lot smarter, by being a self-starter at fourteen**_  
 _ **Who knew he was gonna become a martyr?**_

 _ **~ADAM~**_

 _ **Then a vampire came and devastation reigned**_  
 _ **our man saw this monster sucking blood from people's veins**_  
 _ **So he took a holy blade and he stabbed it in the brain**_  
 _ **the vampire was slain; the incident lit a flame!**_

 _ **~ALUCARD~**_

 _ **Well, the word got around, they said, "This kid is insane, man!"**_  
 _ **Took up a collection just to send him to the Vatican**_  
 _ **Get your ordination, don't forget from whence you came**_  
 _ **And the world's gonna know your name**_  
 _ **What's your name, man?!**_

 _ **~CHOIR~**_

 _ **Cardin Winchester!**_

"Wow! Cardin got his own song!" Ruby said.

They all sympathized with Cardin through the song he must have been through hell and back in order to get to the man he was now.


	10. Episode 9: Abridged Over Troubled Ozpin

**[Ozpin reading Disclaimer]**

 **Young Weiss: Father... [sniff] ...I don't want to say goodbye.**

 **Jacques: Well, that's quite selfish, Weiss. I'm dying.**

"That's your dad?" Yang asked Weiss who was surprised herself.

"Y-yes" Weiss stammered.

"It seems Father isn't as cold in this universe as he is in ours" Winter said.

 **Richard: It truly is a tragedy! I cannot believe someone would poison our afternoon brandy! What bittersweet fortune that I was somehow spared!**

"Who is that?" Blake asked.

"I don't know?" Weiss said her brow wrinkling as she watched the man who probably poisoned her Father.

 **Jacques: Yes, it truly is a blessing that you are well my brother, Richard Traitoro Hellsing. But as I die... the authority of our sacred organization falls to... ...my precious daughter.**

Weiss subconsciously straightened her back and fixed her posture a small smile at the screen for new position.

"Does Father have a brother?" Weiss asked her sister.

"If he has, he never told us" Winter said.

"Is no one going bring up the fact that his last name is Traitoro?" Qrow asked.

"We already know he's a traitor?" Winter asked confused.

 **Young Weiss: What?**

 **Ozpin: What?**

 **Richard: Yes, with great honor- [stammers] R-roll it back?**

"So, he poisoned Father in order to gain control of the organization" Winter said.

 **Jacques: Weiss... You must stand taller than us all now, and lead the men and women of the Hellsing organization.**

 **Richard: wHAA?!THAT'S UH, [Richard continues to stammer] [with great struggle and disbelief] T-THAT'S GREAT! YAAAAY!**

"He doesn't sound happy" Coco said.

 **Jacques: If you should ever find yourself in peril, know that deep in a forgotten underground dungeon, there is one man you can count on.**

"Ah, I think he's talking about Jaune?!" Nora said with her usual excitement.

 **Young Weiss: But Ozpin doesn't live in the dungeon. He lives under the stairs.**

Salem snickered at the unintended jab at her former lover while Ozpin pretended, he never heard that drinking his mug in order to hide embarrassment.

 **Ozpin: Hmm.**

 **Jacques: Goodbye, my starling...and- BLUKH-KLH! ...that was my favorite pillow.**

 **Weiss: Father! No! [Weiss sobbing]**

"Oh no, Weiss!" Ruby cried hugging her best friend.

"What the hell are you doing you dunce!" Weiss shouted at unexpected assault.

"You were crying so I thought I should hug you" Ruby said.

"That is other me you dunce!" She yelled.

 **Richard: ...Ozpin, did you know you have paid vacation days?**

"So, he's trying to get him out of the way?" Winter inferred rhetorically.

 **Ozpin: Ooooh.**

"And just going let my sister be killed!" Winter seeing Ozpin turn a blind eye to Richard's schemes.

 **? [O-S]: Sorry sir, no sign of her.**

 **Richard: So did you actually search for her... ...or did you all go to the fucking Sunglasses Hut!?**

 **Sunglasses Man [O-S]: We did both.**

"Wow, there very bad at their job" Jaune said.

 **Richard: To hell with this!**

 **Sunglasses Man [O-S]: ...why can't we do both?**

 **Richard: If you want your family murdered, I guess you do it yourself. Again.**

 **Young Weiss: What do I do? Walter's in Brazil, I'm in a vent, and my uncle's trying to murder me... I suppose my only hope lies... ...in the dungeon.**

"Cue ominous music!" yang shouted to the ire of the audience unfortunately ominous music did not play.

 **? [o-s]: By the way, would you like this extra pair of Oakleys?**

"Are they even actual hitmen?" Roman said in wonder at their stupidity.

 **Richard: It's 9 fucking PM!**

 **Young Weiss: I made it But however will I know which door is- It's... definitely this door. But I wish it wasn't.**

 **Richard: You! There you are, my precious little niece. I was afraid you'd left before your succession ceremony. I wanted to give you your parting gifts. There are eleven. In fact, twelve... INCLUDING THE ONE IN THE CHAMBER!**

 **Young Weiss: You killed my father!**

 **Richard: No, no... the poison killed your father. I MURDERED your father.**

"Well I mean he's correct" Qrow said in a halfhearted tone probably trying to lift the spirits of his acquaintances to no avail.

 **Young Weiss: Then I guess you belong DOWN HERE! Oh God, there's so many stairs! Where...? Where...? Where is he? Oh, God damn it, Dad. He's dead! "Oh Weiss! You can't have a puppy! That's too much responsibility."**

"No way! He can't be dead!" Ruby cried.

"He's probably asleep or something after all this is just a flash back" Weiss surmised.

 **Richard: Forgetting to feed one's gimp is a common mistake. Jacques was quite forgetful. Just like how he forgot I existed. And soon, the world will forget all about you-**

 **[Slurping noises]**

 **Richard: What the fuck is that?**

 **[continued slurping noises]**

 **Richard: Ah...um? Excuse me.**

 **Alucard: Hold on. Let me get some sip.**

 **Sunglasses Man: He said excuse-**

 **Alucard: I SAID LET ME GET SOME SIP!**

"You do not get between a man and his sip" Ren said sagely while his eyes flickered to Nora.

"Or woman" he added while Nora smiled.

 **Richard: [wails in a high-pitched tone]**

 **Alucard: [growls]**

 **Young Weiss: [quivering whimpering]**  
 **I don't care if you are my father's gimp-vampire-boyfriend. You stay back!**

"Gimp-vampire-boyfriend? Just what does your dad do behind the curtain?" Yang asked

"I don't believe my Father was actually like that, Yang" Wiess told her.

 **Alucard: Oh... So Jacques an *actual* daddy now.**

"Really, Weiss~" Yang said suggestively.

"Sh-shut up!" Weiss said.

 **Young Weiss: Well he... He was...**

 **Alucard: Ooh, don't tell me... Jacques died and made you the successor... and that dick over there is trying to murder you.**

"Wow, he guessed that in one go" Taiyang said.

"Doesn't he have mind control powers?" Summer asked.

"Yes, yes he does" Taiyang remembered.

 **Young Weiss: Actually, yeah, that's plot synopsis basically.**

 **Alucard: So then. How do you want to handle this?**

 **Young Weiss: You work for me now.**

"Go Weiss!" Ruby said with encouragement.

 **Alucard: Ohhh?**

 **Young Weiss: I am Weiss Schnee Hellsing, of the Hellsing organization. If you served my father, you serve me.**

 **Alucard: All right then... But I require long walks at night.**

 **Young Weiss: Will you behave yourself?**

 **Alucard: More or less. And in return...**

 **Richard: DIE!**

"OH NO!" Team RWBY and JNPR shouted.

 **Alucard: I will protect you with my lives.**

Ruby and others let out a sigh of relief that Weiss wasn't shot.

 **Young Weiss: Then your first order is... keep your arm steady.**

"Holy shit, Weiss" Yang said, jaw gaping she thought that Jaune would kill him not her.

 **Richard: No. No! NO!**

"Well I don't feel sorry for that dude" Coco said nonchalantly.

 **Alucard: OZPIN! How you doing, buddy? You look... moisturized? You get some work done?**

"Wow what's with the sudden mood shift?" Yang asked.

"He probably just hiding his anger" Blake said.

 **Ozpin: I have been seeing a doctor, and he's administered a rather... unorthodox treatment.**

"Is it just me or did he get younger?" Yang asked.

Weiss turned to look at her partner "You just noticed that?" she asked.

 **Alucard: Shot in the dark: was it vampire DNA?**

 **Ozpin: It was a spa day. A deep tissue massage and a face mask... of vampire DNA.**

"So, they turned Ozpin into a vampire?" Ruby asked.

"Nah, they probably just turned him into a ghoul or something" Nora

 **Alucard: ff, if you wanted one of those you could've just asked me.**

 **Weiss: Ozpin.**

 **Ozpin: Ma'am.**

 **Weiss: I'm saying this out of courtesy. If you've betrayed us, I will personally mount your head over a urinal in our men's room.**

 **Ruby: That explains the third floor restrooms! Which are now... currently in the first floor restrooms.**

"Holy shit you actually did that!?" Yang asked.

"I mean probably?" Weiss said.

 **Alucard: Now, now now. Before we start throwing around words, like "betrayal" or "cucked", let's let Ozpin explain himself.**

 **Ozpin: I'm betraying you.**

 **Alucard: Aw, you cuck!**

"That's not how that word is supposed to be used" Ren said to himself.

 **Ruby: Is he just using words he learned on social media again?**

 **Weiss: You treasonous little dish-washer! After all these years, you're stabbing us in the back! And for what?!**

 **Ozpin: I'm just doing my job, ma'am. What you fail to understand is that I am a butler second, and a vampire hunter first.**

"So, your betraying your employer all because you want to stab a Vampire?" Winter asked Ozpin who didn't reply staring intently at the screen.

 **Velvet: 𝘖𝘮𝘢𝘦 𝘸𝘢 𝘥𝘰𝘤𝘩𝘪𝘳𝘢 𝘮𝘰𝘶 𝘪𝘯𝘢𝘪! [You are neither!] 𝘖𝘮𝘢𝘦 𝘸𝘢...[You are...] 𝘖𝘮𝘢𝘦 𝘸𝘢 𝘮𝘰𝘶 𝘴𝘩𝘪𝘯𝘥𝘦𝘪𝘳𝘶. [You are already dead.]**

"Holy shit Velvet! That was awesome" Coco said while Velvet blushed under the praise.

 **Ozpin: 𝘏𝘢𝘪, 𝘰𝘮𝘢𝘦 𝘥𝘢. 𝘿𝙚𝙢𝙤, 𝙬𝙖𝙩𝙖𝙨𝙝𝙞 𝙬𝙖? [Yes, you are. But what am I?]**

"COCO!" Velvet yelled trying to hold Coco back from mauling Ozpin.

"It's just another universe, it's not me!" Velvet yelled trying to reason with Coco.

"He still killed you I'm going to break his legs!" Coco yelled.

"If it's any consolation I'm sorry about what my other self-did" Ozpin yelled.

 **Coco: VELVET! Your gun looks ridiculo-**

 **Sun: [𝐁𝐀𝐍𝐆!]**

"Sun!" Blake yelled in surprise.

"His gun does look ridiculous" Ruby observed.

 **Coco [internally]: 𝘍𝘶𝘤𝘬! 𝘐𝘯 𝘻𝘦 𝘧𝘶𝘤𝘬𝘪𝘯𝘨 𝘮𝘰𝘶𝘵𝘩?! 𝘏𝘰𝘸 𝘸𝘪𝘭𝘭 𝘐 𝘦𝘢𝘵 𝘴𝘤𝘩𝘸ä𝘣𝘪𝘴𝘤𝘩𝘦𝘳 𝘻𝘸𝘪𝘦𝘣𝘦𝘭𝘬𝘶𝘤𝘩𝘦𝘯?! [onion and bacon pie] 𝘈𝘯𝘥 𝘥𝘳𝘪𝘯𝘬 𝘞𝘦𝘪𝘩𝘦𝘯𝘴𝘵𝘦𝘱𝘩𝘢𝘯𝘦𝘳 𝘩𝘦𝘧𝘦 𝘸𝘦𝘪ß𝘣𝘪𝘦𝘳?! [brand of wheat beer from Germany] 𝘈𝘯𝘥 𝘴𝘪𝘯𝘨 "𝘏𝘢𝘭𝘵 𝘥𝘪𝘤𝘩 𝘢𝘯 𝘥𝘦𝘪𝘯𝘦𝘳 𝘓𝘪𝘦𝘣𝘦 𝘧𝘦𝘴𝘵?!" [German song by Rio Reiser] 𝘐𝘴 𝘩𝘦 𝘵𝘦𝘭𝘭𝘪𝘯𝘨 𝘮𝘦 𝘤𝘭𝘦𝘢𝘯 𝘮𝘺𝘴𝘦𝘭𝘧 𝘶𝘱? [Out-loud] AT LEAST PAY MY CAB FARE, YOU MUTE SHIT-HEEL!**

 **Random Guy: Ma'am, are you alright?**

 **Heinkel: I'm fine! How is Coco? Can we save her?**

 **Random Guy: Like... in Tupperware containers? Because I didn't bring any.**

"That's in bad taste" Coco said bitterly getting over her anger.

 **Heinkel: Damn him! 𝘿𝘼𝙈𝙉 𝙃𝙄𝙈! 𝐇𝐞 𝐬𝐡𝐨𝐮𝐥𝐝 𝐡𝐚𝐯𝐞 - 𝐤𝐢𝐥𝐥𝐞𝐝 - 𝐌𝐄! Zhen Velvet and I could be together again... forever.**

"Wait were we-" Coco said looking at Velvet who was mirroring her red face and shock.

 **Random Guy: Were you two.. lesbia-**

"We don't like each other that way!" Velvet yelled in embarrassment.

"No one said anything about you two?!" Yang said.

 **Heinkel: Zhe bible says a Man should not lay with another MAN as he vould a voman.**

"Isn't that homophobic?" Blake asked.

 **Random Guy: Oh I get it..**

 **Random Guy: Yeah, that makes sense.**  
 **Wait, so it's kosher as long as I'm not fucking a dude in the vagina?**

 **Ozpin: Now with the chaff out of the way, How about we finish what we started fifty years ago?**

 **Alucard: Hold that thought Ozpin. Weiss. I want to hear you say it. I... NEED ...to hear it.**

 **Weiss: 𝙁𝙐𝘾𝙆 𝙃𝙄𝙈 𝙄𝙉 𝙏𝙃𝙀 𝙑𝘼𝙂𝙄𝙉𝘼!**

"WHOOO!" the audience cheered ready for a climatic showdown.

 **Alucard: 𝗛𝗘𝗛𝗘-𝗛𝗔𝗛-𝗛𝗔𝗛-𝗛𝗔𝗛 𝗛𝗔𝗛𝗔! Alright! But I'm gonna have to make one.**

 **Adam [o-s]: Hold on a moment. Ze frauleins might want to take a step back! You're in zhe 𝘴𝘱𝘭𝘢𝘴𝘩 𝘻𝘰𝘯𝘦!**

"Oh, come on we were just about to see a fight you cockblocker!" Yang yelled.

 **Alucard: Ya, I'm getting balls like a Smurf here.**

 **Blake: Come ladies. Let's let zhe boys have zheir fun.**

 **Weiss: Ruby, come.**

 **Ruby: Master?**

 **Alucard: Go with Mommy, Ruby. Daddy's got work to do.**

"Wow, Ruby never knew you were into that kind of stuff" Blake teased her younger leader with a straight face while Ruby sputtered and blushed red.

 **Ruby: Am I your child in this scenario?**

 **Alucard: Ruby, our group relationship can best be summarized as "tags on PornHub", now go.**

 **Ruby: Fine, 𝑫𝒂𝒅. And to you, Ozpin C. Dornez... ...thank you for the cannon.**

 **Ozpin: And thank you for your service... Ruby Rose.**

"He's still a bad guy though" Ruby said.

 **Ruby: You're still a right bellend though.**

 **Blake: Everyone aboard the SS Schutzstaffel, or as ve like to call it, the SS SS-**

 **Weiss:[𝐁𝐀𝐍𝐆!]**

"Wow! It seems like Weiss is taking no shit" Yang exclaimed excitedly.

"I hate this guy version of me!" Blake said.

 **Alucard: So, how are we gonna do this? You gonna come at me? Should I come at you? Should we come together? Ooh, at the same time? Oh, you'll come. THEY ALWAYS COME! Okay, at least make a joke about getting a HANDY-Y-Y-Y-Y-Y-Y! 𝙄 𝙛𝙚𝙚𝙡 𝙡𝙞𝙠𝙚 𝙬𝙚'𝙧𝙚 𝙣𝙤𝙩 𝙤𝙣 𝙩𝙝𝙚 𝙨𝙖𝙢𝙚 𝙬𝙖𝙫𝙚𝙡𝙚-𝙚-𝙚-𝙚-𝙣𝙜𝙩𝙝!**

"Ozpin's actually beating him!" Weiss exclaimed with worry.

"Jaune can't hurt him because of those wires!" Ruby yelled aggravated.

 **Ozpin: Hmm. Not inaccurate.**

 **Alucard: 𝙎𝙝𝙞𝙞𝙞𝙞𝙞𝙞𝙩! Hey, you ever heard of 𝙐𝙋 𝘿𝙊𝙂?!**

"Yes, Jaune's familiar should be able to defeat him!" Yang yelled.

 **Ozpin: Not much, how about you?**

"He cut the dog in half?! How strong are those wire's?" Blake wondered.

 **Alucard: First you kill my dog, then you 𝘼𝙉𝙏𝙄 𝙈𝙔 𝙁𝙐𝘾𝙆𝙄𝙉𝙂 𝙅𝙊𝙆𝙀?!**

 **Alucard: 𝘼𝙝, 𝙁𝙐𝘾𝙆!**

 **Ozpin: 𝒲𝒾𝓇𝑒 you getting so upset?**

 **Alucard: Okay. I know it's filthy rich coming from me, but your powers are bullshit!**

"I never thought I'd see a guy more bullshit than that vampire" Qrow told Taiyang.

 **Adam: Hold on is zhat... Oh, I know it, I know it... didn't we send him on a mission?**

"What a minute" Adam said staring intently at the screen.

"That's Corsac!" He realized.

"How the hell is that traitor alive!?"

"Was he in the dog the entire time?" Ilia asked shocked.

 **Dr. Merlot: Hmm.. That's one of the Albains.**

"You can't even remember your own personal soldiers?" Ironwood gritted his teeth his mechanical arm gripping the wood of the handlebar like a lifeline as he stared at Adam who gave no response.

 **Adam: Ah, the funny one who swore a lot!**

 **Dr. Merlot: Aye, nein. That was his bruder.**

 **Corsac: I- I'm alive? Seems like things are looking up for this Albain-[starts to groan in pain & agony]**

"What Ozpin can control people with his wires now!?" Weiss yelled.

"But that's impossible! Wires can't move like that!" Ruby yelled.

"Maybe that's his superpower?" Yang interjected.

"What?" Weiss asked.

"Well, we say some fang vampires have superpowers, I mean Roman can control cards and Nora can control bullets. So why can't Ozpin control his wires?" Yang explained.

"Yang... that's the smartest thing you ever said" Weiss praised eliciting a loud "hey!" from Yang.

 **Adam: Ah it was Corsac.**

 **Mr. Merlot: Ahhh.**

 **Ozpin: Time to put this dog on a leash.**

 **Alucard: No, Mama, he was my dog, I'll do it!**

"I hate Old Yeller" Ruby muttered she hated that book because Old Yeller died in the end.

 **Ozpin: I'm sure you're wondering why I went through all of this.. Why I abandoned my home and duty, just to kill you.**

 **Alucard: Oh, because you want to fuck me.**

"Wait,what?" Qrow said shocked.

While Ozpin spat out his coffee in surprise.

 **White Fang soldier: Fire!**

 **White Fang soldier: You seems so angry, but you'd be so much prettier, if you smiled more.**

 **[deranged giggling]**

"Uh" Ruby said in disgust recoiling from the scene.

 **Weiss: These fools die with a smile on their face. Their religion is death and carnage. A cult of nihilism.**

 **Ruby:𝐓𝐡𝐞𝐧 𝐈'𝐥𝐥 𝐛𝐞 𝐭𝐡𝐞𝐢𝐫 𝐅𝐔𝐂𝐊𝐈𝐍𝐆 𝐊𝐎𝐎𝐋-𝐀𝐈𝐃!**

 **Adam: Fun Fact: in Jonestown it was actually mostly Flavor Aid. A less popular competing brand. Let me assure you though, we are not here for cyanide und valium. Ve are here.. for glory! After the var, ve vere ousted und scorned. Nuremberg REALLY wanted to settle the score there. We lost our purpose, but worse- we lost our chance at za one true gift that could be awarded men like us.. a true gloryful death. Vithout glory our deaths would be meaningless. So in zis towering vall of civilization of peace und stagnation.. we had to break through! Little by little we carved away und finally! We could see our glory on zhe other side. There with vicious steel und crimson heart stood Hellsing! So danke schoen dear frauleins for finally giving us the happy ending we so desperately craved. From our majestic glory hole.**

"Oh My God" Sienna put her head in her hands.

"That was the most cringiest speech I've ever heard" she told Adam who gritted his teeth in anger.

 **Weiss: And there it is.**

 **Oscar [o-s]: Hey, I give it an 8 out of 10.**

"What a minute! Was that Oscar!?" Weiss yelled in shock.

 **Ruby: Oscar? W-was that Oscar?**

 **Weiss: Oh, sweetie, no. Oscar's dead.**

 **Ruby: I swear I just heard him.**

 **Sun: Hmm?**

 **Weiss: Maybe it was that guy.**

"I don't think so" Yang said obviously.

 **Ruby: I kind of doubt it...?**

 **Weiss: Well, if you'll excuse me, I'm going to find out if my sword will fit in the Adam's glory hole. Do me a favor and clean up the rest of this mess.**

 **Sun: Mmm.**

 **Weiss: Fucking... White Fang about everything!**

 **Ruby: You wouldn't happen to be French, would you?**

 **Sun: Uh-uh.**

 **Ruby: Didn't think so. Did you just shoot me with a- 𝑶𝒉, 𝒎𝒐𝒕𝒉𝒆𝒓𝒇𝒖𝒄𝒌𝒆𝒓!**

"Oh My God" Ruby stated looking at the screens.

 **Ruby: Fuck me jogging. He's a 𝑵𝑨𝒁𝑰-𝑭𝑼𝑪𝑲𝑰𝑵𝑮-𝑾𝑬𝑹𝑬𝑾𝑶𝑳𝑭?! Oscar was right. 𝑻𝒉𝒊𝒔 𝒊𝒔 𝑺𝑶 𝒎𝒖𝒄𝒉 𝒘𝒐𝒓𝒔𝒆.**

 **Oscar: I'd call him a wolf in sheep's clothing, but he's dressed like a Fang so...**

 **Ruby: He's a fucking White Fang! Also.. Hi?!**

"So, Oscar's voice wasn't my imagination!" Ruby said giddy.

"But how am I still alive? I thought Ilia killed me?" Oscar said.

 **Oscar: ç𝘢 𝘧𝘢𝘪𝘵 𝘭𝘰𝘯𝘨𝘵𝘦𝘮𝘱𝘴, 𝘮𝘢 𝘤𝘩è𝘳𝘦! [Long time, no see, my dear!]**

 **Ruby: Oscar? Why are you-**

 **Oscar: When you took my blood you had my consent. Thus, I am part of you now, Ruby.**

"So, it's like Jaune and his familiar's! Except Oscar isn't a ghoul!" Nora said.

 **Ruby: So... you're finally inside of me. How does it feel?**

 **[Oscar chuckles suggestively] Let's put a pin in that. First, let put down "Kibbles and Bitch" over there.**

 **Ruby: So he's also a ghost?! 𝑾𝒉𝒂𝒕 𝒕𝒉𝒆 𝒇𝒖𝒄𝒌?!**

"He may be as powerful as Jaune!" Glynda exclaimed in horror.

"How the hell is that monkey so OP!?" Yang yelled in anger.

"That's racist!" Blake yelled back coming to Sun's defense.

"I don't care! Your boyfriend is beating up my sister!" Yang told her back.

"Wha-S-Sun's not my boyfriend" Blake retorted face like a cherry.

 **Oscar: 𝘈𝘭𝘭𝘰𝘯𝘴, 𝘮𝘢 𝘤𝘩è𝘳𝘦! [Come now, my dear!] The only way to kill a werewolf is a silver bullet.**

 **Ruby: Ugh, that's a shame. I left all me silver bullets back home. Literally.**

 **Oscar: There's another way, but... it's pretty gauche.**

 **Ruby: Oh, my God.**

"Wha, where's all that money coming from?" Pyrrha asked.

 **Oscar: Welcome to the First White National Bank of the Schutzstaffel. Gold.. Silver.. copper from air conditioners... and they think they are too big to fail. But all we have to do is shove 𝘵𝘩𝘢𝘵 in his heart.**

"How are they going to do that when he can turn into smoke?" Yang asked not getting any answer.

 **Ruby: Then it's time I showed this "Nazi Werewolf in London" 𝒘𝒉𝒆𝒓𝒆 𝒉𝒆 𝒄𝒂𝒏 𝒔𝒕𝒊𝒄𝒌 𝒊𝒕!**

 **["An American Werewolf in London" reference]**

 **Oscar: He hit you! What are you going to do about it?!**

 **Ruby: 𝑯𝑰𝑻 𝑯𝑰𝑴 𝑯𝑨𝑹𝑫𝑬𝑹!**

"Holy shit, that's a huge missile!" Nora yelled.

"Hit him Ruby!" Yang cheered.

 **Oscar: Holy shit, it's almost as big as my love for you.**

 **Ruby: You mean your erection?**

Ruby and Oscar blushed at Alternate Ruby's question while Taiyang glared holy murder at Oscar.

 **Oscar: That is what I call it, oui.**

 **Ruby: Sorry. This Red Riding Hood 𝑩𝑰𝑻𝑬𝑺 𝑩𝑨𝑪𝑲!**

"That's a good line, can I steal that line?" Ruby asked.

"Well, I mean she's yourself sooo...?" Summer shrugged not knowing how to answer her daughter.

 **Oscar: 𝑻𝒓è𝒔 𝒅é𝒔𝒐𝒍é, 𝑮𝒓𝒂𝒏𝒅 𝑴é𝒄𝒉𝒂𝒏𝒕 𝑳𝒐𝒖𝒑! [Very sorry, Big Bad Wolf!] Huff and puff and blow me!**

"That was bad" Yang told Oscar who immediately prostrated himself in embarrassment.

 **Sun:[Cartoonishly high-pitched squeal]**

 **Ruby: "Huff and puff and blo-" That was the best you had?**

 **Oscar: I had one for Red Riding Hood, but then you said yours.**

 **Ruby: Good, yours was probably gross anyway. Also, get out of me boob!**

 **Oscar: But there's so much space in here!**

 **Ozpin: 'Course... It always has to be about you, doesn't it? Your constant need for validation? For attention. Like a screaming child. To think someone so juvenile could be so powerful.. sickens me to my core. Which is exactly why one must spare the child... Which is exactly why one must spare the child... 𝙖𝙣𝙙 𝙨𝙥𝙤𝙞𝙡 𝙩𝙝𝙚 𝙧𝙤𝙙! Wait...!**

"What! That's Corsac!" Winter yelled.

"Does that mean Alucard casted an illusion" Ironwood hypothesized.

"Argh!" Weiss felt a headache coming 'just how many powers does he have!?' she thought.

 **Alucard: After all these years you finally get to stick it in me... ...and you put it in the wrong hole.**

 **Ozpin: 𝘿𝙂𝙃! 𝘼𝙐𝙂𝙃!**

"He's-he's becoming younger!" Glynda said in shock.

"How!" Weiss yelled in fustration.

"It's seems it might be a byproduct of my vampirification" Ozpin theorized remembering his younger state when he killed Cardin.

 **Alucard: Oh, look at you. You've gone from Daddy to 𝓓𝓪𝓭𝓭𝔂~ and all because you wanted this! And here it is folks! The return of...**

 **Ozpin: [In a younger voice] Bite your fucking tongue!**

 **Alucard: Jolly-Ozzy! Oh, how many years has it been?**

'God damn it!' Ozpin thought even now he couldn't escape that nickname when he died and possessed this body, everyone called him Jolly-Ozzy.

His host didn't mind but he certainly did! He thought this while his own students laughed at him!

Oh, and now his ex-wife was joining in on the fun.

'How sweet' he thought with a tic in his eye and hiding his expression with his mug.

 **Kid Opzin: Fuck you, that nickname was never clever!**

 **Alucard: Aw, Jolly-Ozzy doesn't like his nickname? Jolly-Ozzy's being a sad lad!**

 **Kid Ozpin: Fuck!**

 **Alucard: Ah, but if only we have the opportunity! Could have avoided all the sexual tension and treachery.**

Yang who caught that last line was perplexed.

"What?" Yang asked.

 **Kid Ozpin: Excuse me?**

 **Alucard?: Please, we both know the reason you sold your soul was because you never got to hear: (In a young female's voice) 𝘈𝘩𝘯!** _ **Ozpin**_ **-𝘴𝘢𝘯! 𝘋𝘢𝘪𝘴𝘶𝘬𝘪 𝘋𝘦𝘴𝘶! [Ahn! Mister Ozpin! I love it very much!] [Normal voice] Hehe-haha! You know, I mean, unironically.**

"What he can shapeshift now?!" Weiss yelled.

Salem and Ozpin stared at the screen 'That's me!" Salem thought.

But it wasn't 'her' but her human form.

 **Walter: Cut it out...**

 **Alucard (Girl): That's right, it's a blast from your past with that sass and loli ass! Am I moé enough for you?**

 **Kid Ozpin: Why can't you take this seriously?!**

 **Alucard(Girl):𝘽𝙚𝙘𝙖𝙪𝙨𝙚 𝙩𝙝𝙖𝙩'𝙨 𝙬𝙝𝙖𝙩 𝙮𝙤𝙪 𝙬𝙖𝙣𝙩! 𝘼𝙣𝙙 𝙄'𝙢 𝙣𝙤𝙩 𝙜𝙤𝙞𝙣𝙜 𝙩𝙤 𝙜𝙞𝙫𝙚 𝙞𝙩 𝙩𝙤 𝙮𝙤𝙪! That or my pussy. But really you're dodging a bullet there. 𝘙𝘰𝘸𝘴 of teeth.**

"EW!" All the girls shouted in disgust at Alucard's line.

 **Kid Ozpin: For the love of-**

 **Alucard(girl): 𝘓i𝘬𝘦 𝘢 𝘴𝘩𝘢r𝘬!**

 **Kid Ozpin: 𝑨𝒂𝒂𝒈𝒉!**

"This was a great episode!" Yang yelled.

"It was very action-packed" Weiss agreed.

"And I killed a werewolf!" Ruby chimed.

"Well then the next episode should be starting soon" Blake said.

* * *

 **Hey Guys! I got some good news and bad news, so bad news first school's starting up in a couple weeks so i'll try to finish chapter 10 before school starts.**

 **The good news is THAT TOWER OF GOD AND NOBLESSE ARE GETTING ANIME ADAPTATION'S. Yes I am so excited! If these to webtoon get a good adaptation that means webtoon like God of Highschool and Unordinary could be getting adaptations as well for those who don't know what going on watch Chibi Reviews video of it. That's all the news i have for you today please favorite, follow and review and see you later!**


	11. Episode 10 Finale: The Party's Over

**ADAM: Hellsing Ultimate is owned by Kōta Hirano and Studio Madhouse, and licensed by Geneon, Madman Entertainment, Manga Entertainment, and Funimation. Please support the official release.**

 **ALUCARD: Let me see if I get the grand scheme here, Benjamin Button. The Jerrys thought that if I purged all my souls, I wouldn't have my and at least *one* of you could kill me. So, when the "very fine people" of the White Fang military, those KKK-lookin' sons of bitches, and Cardin MOTHERFUCKING Winchester couldn't do the job, you thought you… …YOU were the guy. But quick question, Jolly-Ozzy; How many people lived in London? Or rather… died? Let's take a census! [ Party Party Party (Fauxchestral) ] LET ME GET SOME SIP!**

"Holy shit!" Coco yelled in shock.

"There like rivers" Ruby shivered seeing the giant trail of blood.

 **ADAM: "Ah, willkommen!", said the spider to the fly. Although I'd say you're more of a hornet— [gunshots][Major giggles] And unlike its modest brother, zhe bee, zhe hornet does not die after it has stu— [more gunshots] It guards its nest with the ferocity and the tenacity of a— [even more gunshots] —OF A MOTHER WHO IS PROTECTING HER CHILD! [sword breaks]**

"Why'd you use the sword if the gun didn't work?" Roman asked patronizingly.

 **ADAM: Okay, if zhe bullets veren't going to work, zhen vhy vould the sword?**

 **WEISS: YOU COWARD!**

Adam snorted at the hypocrisy at that statement.

 **ADAM: Ah, ve all have our shields. Some of us have tempered glass, others have the King of Vampires…**  
 **Speaking of whom…**

 **WEISS: Huh? [Alucard cackling maniacally]**

 **WEISS: Oh, Jesus… [Alucard cackling maniacally]**

"Damn, he's going crazy" Sky said unnerved by the creepy laughter.

 **ADAM: Someone's on a binge after purging, [Alucard cackling maniacally] and it seems like our dear Alucard is looking to get vhite-girl-vasted. Let's hope that nobody spiked his drink, ja**

 **BLAKE: (Laughing manically / gurgling) EEEEugh...! [Splash]**

"Holy shit!" Team RWBY yelled.

"Why'd I do that!" Blake exclaimed.

"And what did Adam mean by spiking his drink!?" Weiss said to herself.

 **ALUCARD: Look at me, Ozpin! I'm sucking everyone but you! So in celebration of your wasted attempts, I'm going to give you the little death you deserve. And before you ask… YES! This IS a JoJo reference!**

Salem giggled at that dig at Ozpin shocking Cinder and her follower's as they saw Salem convey that most emotion, they saw from their time with her.

 **OZPIN: I gave up everything to kill you! So just lie back… AND THINK OF HELL!**

 **SALEMCARD: Ah, 'yameru', Ozpin! You're splitting me in two! [Ah, stop it, Ozpin!]**

 **ALUCARD/SALEMCARD: Now do it another three million times, why doncha?!**

"Damn" Mercury said summing up everyone's thoughts, Alucard had become unstoppable.

 **ADAM: Ah, poor Ozpin... Each second ticks his life down, all to grasp a victory zhat never belonged to him. A piece of our puzzle… three million, seven handred and eight thousand, nine handred and seventeen pieces large. and now… it falls to The White Fang… …to finish it.**

Adam smiled at his doppelganger's words as he wondered what trump card his other had up his sleeve.

 **WEISS: What's going on!?**

 **ADAM: Ah-hoh-hoh, Fräulein, have you ever heard of Schrödinger's cat?**

"Schrodinger's cat? What is that?" Ruby asked.

"It kinda hard to explain, the very simplified version is something in superposition like being alive and dead at the same time" Weiss explained.

 **WEISS: I SHOT Schrödinger's cat!**

 **ADAM: Indeed! And yet it lives! And yet it dies. It is here, yet it is not. It is a curious creation, von of infinite possibilities, as long as it remains unobserved. Yet, to consume a zhing is to know a thing. Alucard is now partaking of Varrant Officer Schrödinger's paradoxical existence, and as our dear cat-boy stares into the abyss zhat is within Alucard… …zhat abyss. Stares. Back. the vave function collapses… uncertainty becomes certainty… the proverbial coin flips… and.…**

 **ALUCARD: 'Am I a bad person?'**

"What's going on?!" Pyrrha shouted.

"He disappeared!" Nora said with worry.

"Did I do this?" Blake asked he

 **WEISS: ALUCARD! What did you do!?**

 **ADAM: I CALLED HEADS!**

 **WEISS: Whatever you've done with him... you're not making it out of here alive.**

 **ADAM: then my last meal… shall be victory!**

 **RUBY: Status report: Killed a Nazi werewolf; Oscar's inside me.**

 **WEISS: He's inside of all of us, Ruby. Also, where did you find a werewolf?**

 **ADAM: Vhere did you find Dracula?**

 **WEISS: In a basement.**

 **ADAM: How poetic; we found our werewolf in an attic. I mean, we find lots of things in attics.**

 **RUBY: Holy shit!**

 **ADAM: I meant antiques! the Jews vas our Führer's obsession, not mine! Anne Frankly, I'm insulted by the insinuation.**

"How fucked up is this world?" Ironwood said out loud combing his hair with his hand.

 **WEISS: RUBY!**

 **RUBY: Yes, Ma'am!**

 **MAJOR: ( Excuse me, my dear) …but you're a few dothen millimeters too zhin. Now THAT'S what I'm talking about! COME ON, BITCH! SHOW ME WHAT YOU LOVE!**

"Shoot that bastard Ruby!' Yang cheered.

"Go other me!" Ruby yelled.

 **DR. MERLOT: All these years of progress—ruined! After figuring out I could use the bones of Dracula's ex-wife to make vampires… now I have to start again! I can't stay in England OR Germany! I know! I'll go to Russia! They let you get away with anything there! As long as it's not too gay. What was zhat? Probably nothin—**  
 **[Bell ringing]**

"MY WHAT!" Jaune yelled hearing what they used to create vampire's, needless to say no one felt anything at Merlot's death.

 **OZPIN: [laughing mirthlessly] [breaking down into tears] Y-You were right… You were the only thing… I cared about. I needed you back… so badly, I let Richard chase Weiss right into your arms. But by then… I was past my prime. So I betrayed them all… My master, my country; I tossed them to the wind… …for one last chance at you. Now I have nothing… but this hole in my-**

 **COCO: When fortune smiles on something as violent and ugly as revenge… it seems proof like no other that not only does God exist, you're doing His will**

 **OZPIN: Shot in the gut… slumped against a wall… …and executed by some crazy German Catholic bint quoting Kill Bill. Yes… A traitor's death.**

"Damn" Yang said that was the only word her shocked mind could come up to say.

 **COCO: Pop… Pop. [Bang]**

 **WEISS: The gates of Hell will have to swing wide for your fat White Fang carcass.**

"You did it, Weiss!" Ruby congratulated her.

"But my eye!" Weiss yelled seeing Adam shoot out her eye.

Adam smiled at the scene even if he died, he at least took something from the Schnee.

"Well I mean would probably look badass with an eyepatch" Yang said trying to lift her partner's spirit.

"I guess" Weiss she was just glad that the psychopathic madman was finally dead while Adam looked at his counterpart, he had already accomplished his mission to kill Alucard so he guessed it was okay to die.

 **ADAM: Ah, Fräulein, if I'm so fat… - [Malfunctioning artificial voice] - how did you miss? …Hah! Never mind! Crack shot, 'damen!' [Crack shot, ladies!]**

"What the hell?" Weiss said shocked at what she's looking at.

 **WEISS: I'm sorry; what the fuck am I looking at? Is that… metal and oil? Are you a cyborg? WHY ARE YOU A CYBORG!?**

"I'm a Cyborg!?" Adam said in shock and was that giddiness?

"Why is he a cyborg?" Weiss said.

 **ADAM: I am no less a man then anyone vhis a pace maker or hearing aid... …for vhat is the marker of a man, but his interminable—**

 **WEISS: No. A man is a homo sapien made of meat and blood! Not cogs and coolants and—I'm just going to assume—a hamster on a wheel!**

 **ADAM: His name is Hamburg.**

Mercury started laughing at that line finding something funny about it that no one else knew.

 **WEISS: …You're just fucking with me.**

 **ADAM: and you finally get it. I… I see the line. The factory seal on society. A world mired in complacency. Slaves to their instincts, and fueled by anger and hatred! A rocket propellant as volatile as it is potent, and frighteningly… self-sustaining.**

"So just what was the point of that speech" Roman said bored.

 **WEISS: Is there a rest stop between now and the fucking point?**

 **ADAM: the POINT, Weiss Fairbrook Wingates Hellsing, is that ve are nozhing but scared, spiteful children, playing at adulthood; a fictitious lie of comfort and - even more repugnant - complacence! So vhat is a man to do… but vage var so calamitous and glorious… …zhat it would snap humanity out of its foolish, vorthless charade?! and who better… an opponent… than Hellsing?**

 **WEISS: …Okay; but why are you a CYBORG, though!?**

"Really Weiss your still hung up about that?" Yang asked quizzically.

"But it's true, WHY IS HE A CYBORG!?" Weiss yelled pulling her hair.

 **ADAM: Are you still on that? Okay, it's simple, you see— (Sighs) 'Hervorragend...' [Outstanding...] So long… Farewell… Auf Wiedersehen, goodbye… I leave… and heave… A sigh and say goodbye… Goo-o-o… [Powers down into silence]**  
 **[Recorder clicks]**

"Wait, why was I recording that?" Weiss asked.

"You agreed to record Adam's death for Cinder remember?" Blake told Weiss.

Cinder smiled at the scene at least she will also be getting her due.

 **WEISS: You're not entirely wrong… You just didn't have to be such an asshole about it. (Sighs)**

 **RUBY: What's wrong? Is it the eye?**

 **WEISS: That… …And he just ruined 'The Sound of Music' for me.**

 **RUBY: So… where's Alucard?**

 **WEISS: I HAVE NO FUCKING IDEA!**

"He just disappeared" Blake remembered.

"What did happen to him?" Winter asked not getting any answers.

 **[ "Edelweiss" - Acoustic Guitar Instrumental ]**

 **[Birds chirping / metal clanging]**

 **[Typewriter clacking]**

 **MAN: 3,708,917 casualties alone in London that fateful night… Luckily, with help from the Americans, rebuilding hasn't been too difficult.**

"So, this is the aftermath of what happened" Winter said.

"Weren't the Americans the nation that imploded on itself?" Ironwood asked.

 **ROB: Tell me… How are the Americans doing since... the incident?**

 **MAN: Well, there was a bit of a stir when they decided that since corporations are people... …they could technically run for president. But President Walt Disney Pepsi Comcast has done wonders for the economy… …being that it is… now the economy.**

 **ROB: Quite. Hold on… Wasn't Weiss supposed to join us?**

'Hm, where am I?' Weiss thought.

 **MAN: She has a meeting with the, uh, Catholics today.**

 **ROB: I see. She's still looking for answers.**

 **MAKUBE: And so after traveling all over Europe and America-Classic and doing countless hours of research in the halls of the Vatican and Wikipedia… we still do not know how or why he was a cyborg.**

 **WEISS: Excuses! Go to America there and don't come back until you've got answers!**

"Really Weiss you're still trying to find out why Adam was a cyborg?" Blake asked.

"Sh-shut up!" Weiss stammered.

"What type of beauty products are you using? You still look good after thirty years" Yang said.

 **MAKUBE: Of course, Sir Weiss.**

 **ANTONIO: (Sighing) I miss Canada…**

 **COCO: [GLARES]**

 **RUBY: [Puckers]**

"Wow Ruby guess Coco is jealous of your good looks" Yang slyly complimented Ruby's look while dissing Coco.

 **ANTONIO: Sir, didn't we supply White Fang with the cyborg technology?**

"They did?" Weiss said.

 **MAKUBE: First of all—they're "enhanced humans".**

 **COCO: Second—shut your communion hole! The walls have ears.**

 **[ Does damage to the wall]**

 **OSCAR: Agh! 'Fils d'une pute italienne!' [Son of an Italian whore!]**

"It's Oscar!" Ruby shouted.

 **MAKUBE: And third of all— NO, WE DIDN'T!**

 **ANTONIO: What in Dante's first-through-fourth Hells was THAT!?**

 **COCO: Something most foul and inhuman… A Frenchman in love with an Englishvoman.**

"What?" Ruby asked not getting the joke.

 **MAKUBE: We will continue to leave them alone until this peace treaty has run its course. In the meantime, it puts men on the inside of Hellsing as the Vatican rebuilds. Also, Coco, do you need Antonio to change your bandages?**

 **COCO: No.**

 **MAKUBE: Will you ever change your bandages?**

 **COCO: No!**

"You do know that not changing your bandages can lead to infections, right Ms. Adel? " Glynda asked Coco.

 **WEISS: All right, gentlemen; wrap it up and hit the showers. And stop bullying Ironwood Jr. Jr.**

"Wait, your name is Ironwood Jr.?" Qrow busted laughter while Winter sent him a burning hot glare and Ironwood was dignified enough to not respond to Qrow's teasing.

 **IRONWOOD JR JR: I don't want to fence. I want to make reaction videos.**

 **WEISS: Nevermind; bully him harder!**

"Weiss, I that's mean!" Ruby said.

 **IRONWOOD JR JR: (Sobbing)**

 **WEISS:[Sighs]These are the dullards I leave this organization to when I die.**

 **RUBY: Mum, you're 52, British, and rich. You'll outlive them all.**

"Mum?" Summer asked Ruby quizzically.

 **WEISS: Don't you talk to me about outliving people, Ruby! I know you can't see yourself in the mirror, but we both know you haven't aged a day! And yet every day, I find another wrinkle!**

"Wow even Weiss is jealous of you Ruby" Yang teased her little sister.

 **OZPIN: I would hold your hand in public.**

 **RUBY: You know what I think? [deep voice] I think you're afraid you'll die before he comes back.**

 **[Gets kicked in the Face] Ma'am! That hurt!**

 **WEISS: We DO NOT talk about him!**

 **RUBY: But Ma'am, he's—**

 **WEISS: A deadbeat who skipped out on us for 30 years and counting! Speak one more word of him… and I'll lock you in a crate and ship you to Abu Dhabi!**

 **RUBY: No! Not again! Oh, every Monday with you!**

Some of the audience laughed at the exchange while Nora asked "Where is Jaune?".

 **[Footsteps]**

 **[Fiendish snarling]**

 **[Weiss screaming]**

"Oh no! What's happening!" Ruby screamed.

"An attack now!" Weiss yelled.

 **RUBY: Sir Weiss! I came as fast as I could! I didn't even put panties on! Is everything okay!? Are we ander attack!? DO I HAVE TIME TO GO AND PUT PANTIES ON?!**

"At least its censored" Ruby.

 **?: Don't bother… I'd just charm 'em back off again.**

"It's Jaune!" Pyrrha yelled.

 **ALUCARD: How are my favorite ladies?**

 **RUBY: Master!**

 **INTEGRA: So… You're finally back after 30 years. How was your walk?**

 **ALUCARD: Got a little too enthusiastic, and… got a little lost.**

"Lost?" Winter voiced her thoughts.

 **ALUCARD: Hello? Hello?**

 **?: Hey.**

 **ALUCARD: Hi…?**  
 **?: Name's David. I'm an accountant.**

 **ALUCARD: Don't remember asking.**

 **DAVID: And I'm sad.**

 **ALUCARD: Ahhh, Jesus.**

 **[voiceover] Turned out I was trapped inside myself with 3,424,867 people. …So you didn't have a ton of friends.**

"Wow, that must have been shitty" Roman said.

 **DAVID: I think it was 'cause I was ugly.**

 **ALUCARD: Hm, probably.**

 **DAVID: Ohh…**

 **ALUCARD: Ah, but who gives a fuck? That just means the people who liked you for you were more deserving.**

"Wow, that's actually a good pep talk" Taiyang said.

 **DAVID: Oh.**

 **ALUCARD: It's like your ugliness curated their shittiness.**

 **DAVID: Oh. Y-yeah, you're right. [fwoosh]**

 **ALUCARD: Huh… Well, that was—**

 **ASUNA?: I'm Becky.**

 **ALUCARD: Ohhhh…**

 **BECKY: And, I don't want to be racist, buuuut…**

 **ALUCARD: Shiiiit… [vo] And my only way out… was to help them out.**

"I don't see how that's bad?" Ruby said.

 **?: And I just… I j-just get so angry, every time I'd see a guy kiss another guy.**

 **ALUCARD: You think maybe you were angry because you couldn't be one of those guys?**  
 **Because if you were, all your friends might think less of you?**

 **?: Oh. Oh, shit.**

 **ALUCARD: Yeeep.**

 **?: Do you want to make out?**

 **ALUCARD: I don't date patients.**

 **?: Yeah, that's fair. [fwoosh]**

 **ALUCARD: Next. [vo] And I started getting good at it.**

"Hnnk, It's like therapist" Nora snickered.

 **[ "I'll be There For You" - The Rembrandts ]**

 **?: So my son resented me because I never made time for him unless he asked.**

 **ALUCARD: Yup; because if he'd really mattered… …you would have put yourself out there.**

 **?: Damn. [fwoosh]**

 **ALUCARD: NEXT!**

 **?: I don't know why she was angry. I told her I'd support her no matter what she chose.**

 **ALUCARD: That doesn't sound like a partner. That sounds like a clutch**

 **?: Shit, you're right! [fwoosh]**

 **?: Every time I see a girl kissing another girl—**

 **ALUCARD: You're gay!**

 **?: Ohhhhh…! [fwoosh]**

"This is boring" Mercury said "wake me up when it gets funny" he finished before laying on his recliner and resting.

 **ALUCARD: [vo] Turns out, like, a whole third of them were just in the closet. Sleeping around wasn't the problem. Being dishonest was.**

 **[fwoosh]**

 **ALUCARD: And again, that's why your relationships kept failing. Facebook.**

 **[fwoosh]**

 **ALUCARD:You're gay. Dude, you're allowed to like Friends that much; it was a good show.**

 **[fwoosh]**

 **But you didn't love the one you were with.**

 **[fwoosh]**

 **You're straight! Futa isn't gay... …I think.**

 **[fwoosh]**

 **Getting angry about books made for horny teenage girls was ridiculous then… …and it's ridiculous now.**

 **[fwoosh]**

 **Don't mistake youthful selfishness for genuine malice. Nobody isn't kind of an asshole in their early twenties, and if they actually weren't, they were probably sociopaths.**

 **[fwoosh]**  
 **You're a sociopath!**

 **[fwoosh]**

 **You—**

 **[music abruptly stops]**

"Is that his soul?" Ruby said in astonishment.

 **S-ALUCARD: Are we a bad person?**

 **ALUCARD: Well, let's start with the twenty thousand people we impaled.**

 **S-ALUCARD: We were pretty mad at Dad that day.**

 **ALUCARD: And then I spent the last ten years on that.**

"It took ten years to do therapy on himself?" Winter asked.

 **WEISS: Couldn't you have just killed them all?**

 **ALUCARD: Ah, I tried. Especially on me.**

 **WEISS: So… You're back for good, then?**

 **ALUCARD: Bitch, I'm everywhere! …And yet nowhere.**

 **WEISS: Then welcome home, Michael McDoesn'tExist.**

 **ALUCARD: [chuckling] Now come on, girl. You know what I'm here for.**

"What is he talking about?" Weiss wondered.

 **WEISS: After thirty years, I'm not the young woman I used to be.**

"Wait, EHHH!?" Weiss's face was beet red as RBY laughed at her expression.

 **ALUCARD: You do kind of look like a genderbent Ozpin. And, it may be the thirty-year dry spell but that is doing it for me!**

Jaune blushed as he looked at Weiss in the audience and then onscreen.

 **WEISS: Well then, my count… Come and get you some sip.**

 **ALUCARD: Keep your arm steady… …my countess.**

"So, this is the end?" Ruby said sad that the experience was over.

 **[drip]**

 **[ TFS cover (Nick "Lanipator" Landis vocals) of "Shine" by Mr. Big ]**

 **I never really feel quite right, and I don't know why All I know is something's wrong Every time I look at you, you seem so alive Tell me how do you do it, walk me through it I'll follow your every footstep Maybe on your own you take a cautious step 'Til you want to give it up, but all I want is for you to Shine Shine down on me Shine on this life that's burnin' out**

"This song is good" Yang said.

 **OZPIN: Ma'am, if I wanted to stab you in the back, I'd have done it between cleaning your ashtrays and laundering Ruby's brassieres.**

 **SERAS: But, I— I don't—**

"What does he mean by that?" Ruby said.

 **ALUCARD: Lace makes me feel confident.**

 **ALUCARD: Nobody "ruined" your childhood! The Teen Titans you liked is still on DVD.**

 **ALUCARD: You do kind of look like a genderbent Ozpin. Why-Boner 3: G!**

That got some laughter from the audience.

 **ALUCARD: There is no such thing as an ironic fan of "Eromanga Sensei".**

 **ALUCARD: Seriously, let Ozpin explain himself. Maybe he just got tired of doing… What does a butler do?**  
 **Ozpin: I buttle, sir.**

"Was that a joke?" Yang said not really getting it.

 **ALUCARD: Ha! See? This is why we're friends, Walter.**

 **ALUCARD: Dude, you weren't being a Joey; you were a Chandler trying to be a Joey and you came off as a Ross. And I'm not talking "early seasons" Ross; I'm talking seasons 6 to 9.**

 **ALUCARD: So, you ever heard of Schrödinger's cat?**

 **WEISS: Yes; I had a lot of time to study physics while you were gone.**

 **RUBY: She's lying! She was studying cybernetics!**

"RUBY!" Weiss shouted in embarrassment.

 **WEISS: I can do both!**

 **ALUCARD: Cybernetics? Why?!**

 **WEISS: Because the Major was a cyborg!**

 **ALUCARD: Ho-ho-ho-ho-hold on; why was he a cyborg?**

 **WEISS: RIGHT?!**

 **ALUCARD: That's fucking stupid! And before you ask… YES! This IS a JoJo reference!**

 **OZPIN: Part One was the best.**

 **ALUCARD: Ah, you would say that, ya fucking Brit.**

 **ADAM: I prefer Part Two.**

 **ALUCARD: You killed the last white rhino?! Hope the boner was worth it, you fuck.**

 **ALUCARD: Uh, by the way, did One Piece wrap up finally?**

 **WEISS: Yeah, but it's got a sequel called "Two Piece".**

 **ALUCARD: Is it any good?**

 **WEISS: Ah, not sure how I feel about Buffy as the main character… [Boo-fee]**

 **Shine Shine down on me Shine on this life that's burnin' out Shine Shine down on me [Fade-out] Shine on this life that's burnin' out… [Piano instrumental]**

"Why did it have to end!?" Nora cried out hugging Ren as tears ran down her face.

 **OKAY WERE DONE HERE BYE BYE**

The audience stammered questions before having their memories erased and disappearing from the theater.

 **FINALLY ITS DONE.**


	12. HELP! Which idea should I write?

So I've been having a bit of a writer's block due to school taking up most of my time and having so many ideas that I to put on paper. So I created a poll on my account I'll keep it open until Sunday. So the idea that gets chosen the most will be written!

Also, there will be **NO REACT FICS** while I think **RWBY WATCHES HELLSING ULTIMATE ABRIDGED** was good I want to write my very own fic not a react story maybe once I finish a story.


	13. What should my second story be?

So it's Sunday and like I said I would be choosing the idea with the most votes and here it is the most chosen idea is ... Fate/Stay Night x RWBY! So I'll start writing in a day or two also I'm going to write another story so I'll make another poll so you guy's can choose. I'll be closing the poll on Thursday.


	14. Chapter 14: The Final Chapter! Good News

Hey guys so I have three news I would like to share with you

1\. The winner of the poll was BNHA x God of highschool so look forward to that

2\. The first chapter of Fate/Stay Night x RWBY is completed but I need a Beta Reader to help look it over

3\. I am posting the Fate/Stay Night x RWBY story on Ao3 and spacebattles so if you don't like this site you can read it over there

That's all but if you want to help beta read this story just pm me bye!


	15. Chapter 15: NEW STORY!

My new fate/stay night and RWBY story just uploaded it's on my profile please read.


	16. Chapter 16

My new fate/stay night and RWBY story just uploaded it's on my profile please read.


End file.
